Sad day

Day 110- Tuesday

Have about 2 hours sleep. Spend the whole night crying. Finding it really hard to process. I just have this feeling inside that I am dying. Don't know if this is instinct or gut feeling or whether I am just being my usual pessimistic self. All I can think of is what Matt will do and things I want to tell family and friends.

I want to see my brother and sister get married- this is all I keep thinking. I am too young to die. Why is this happening to me? What have I ever done to deserve this? I spend every day of my job helping other people and I really care about my patients, I want them to be better. Doesn't that give me an 'out of jail' card.

I am so sad my body hurts. I am alternating between crying, sobbing and being hysterical. I have so much advice that I want to give my brother and sister. So many things I need to say to people. So much that I want to do with my life. So much love for people that it can't be right that I am going to be taken away.

I am so scared of dying. Will I die in pain? Will heaven exist? Will my grandparents come and get me?

Mum and holly go out for the evening to give Matt and I some time on our own. I decide to tell him how I feel now to take some pressure off. I tell him again that I want him to remarry and go on to have children. In fact I tell him I will help him find someone else from the other side. I don't want him to try to replace me but find someone who loves him like I do and will just make him happy. I want him to live a full and happy life and I will just be a happy nice chapter of his life, one to always remember. I want him to live his life for both of us. I need to know he will fight on, succeed and be happy. My worry is he will give up and go to pieces. I want him to stay in contact with my family and continue to be a big brother to Tom and Holly.

I think about my funeral. What songs I want, what picture I want on the order of service, which readings I like. Will I get to say goodbye to everyone?

I think of all the things that need to be done/sorted. Malika needs her rabies jab, Buddy needs neutering, bills are due, decorating needs to be done. I want these things sorted so if I die Matt doesn't have to think of them. I decide I will write to close family and friends. In fact because I have so much to say to Matt, Tom and Holly I may just buy a journal and write in it whenever I think of something I want to tell them. Everyone else can get a letter. I am even thinking of cards 'P.S I love you style'.

Mum and Matt are cross I am not being positive. I just don't have an ounce of energy mentally or physically. Hard to feel positive when you think you are dying. I am expecting the PET scan to say that I have cancer spread to various places and that I am terminal. I promise them that if I am wrong and we get any kind of positive result I will fight. No more negative, positive all the way.