D Day

Day 111- Wednesday

Wake early to go to PET scan. Feel weak as was on low carbohydrate diet yesterday and crying has worn me out. Feel so scared and anxious about today.

Yesterday we got in contact with some surgeons. Dr Salti's brother in Chicago is a well known oncology surgeon and my boss knows a top liver specialist surgeon in Newcastle in the UK. They have agreed to review my scans and give their opinion on surgery or further treatment. Both of these Drs are top of their fields with a huge amount of experience. I am lucky that I have a personal contact with both of them and feel assured that if I need surgery they can help.

My PET scan experience is made good by the lovely 'O' who is preparing me and carrying out the scan. She is a lovely Canadian lady who keeps me entertained with stories. She also seems to care about me as an individual and she is yet another asset to the American Hospital. Once I have had the radioactive glucose (!) injected I have to lay still in a room on my own for an hour whilst it makes its way around my body. Never have I wanted to be on my own less. Now I have an hour just to think. Not good. I lie quietly with tears rolling down my face. Never have I felt so sad. I am praying that it has only spread to my liver. Never thought I would be saying that.

It feels like I am grieving for the life I thought I would have. I hate my body so much. How could it deceive me like this. I feel disgusting and wish I could just step out of it into a new body.

The actual PET scan only takes about 20 minutes and is the easiest scan I have had. The tunnel is large and there are no noises. 'O' tells me to come back at 5 to see the Dr and get the results. I leave after giving her the number for 'Up and Running'. She has a hip problem that we can definitely help her with!

Decide on leaving that I don't want to hear bad news from a Dr I don't know so head to see Dr K. We bump into him by the entrance. It is agreed we will meet him at 5 instead so he can tell us not only what the scan shows but what the plan is. Time to head home for the longest wait ever. Mum and I are going to see 'T' my hairdresser today and decide I want to have a normal day. It may be my last. And not think about results or cancer.

20 minutes later whilst still on the way home, Dr K phones. He sounds excited. In fact I would say he is buzzing. He tells me some miraculous news. My liver has come back clear on the PET scan. He explains that this means the large area is highly unlikely to be cancerous. It may just be damage from the chemo. He does however explain that the small back spot that was originally the concern is too small to show up on the PET scan so we still don't know whether this is a concern or not. He recommends we wait to see what the surgeons think when they see the scans and then all being well we can carry on with chemo. I am so happy to hear these words. I am most definitely not out of the woods yet but this is the best possible news I could have received today. There is a glimmer of hope and most importantly it has not spread anywhere else. There are a few spots around my operation site which could be post surgical healing or could be cancerous. I will need a further colonoscopy to tell. Dr K doesn’t seem too concerned by this though.

I have an enormous sense of relief. It may still have spread to my liver but it's nowhere else which means I am not terminal. I can fight this. There is also a good chance that it is not chemo resistant which is hopefully for the future.

I tell Matt, Tom and Dad. I don't want to tell too many people until we know for sure. This has been one big rollercoaster ride and I don't want to put everyone through this. There is good reason to be positive but we could still have a few more dips before the end of this ride.

I can relax a bit more for the rest of the afternoon. I have a little book that I am writing positive inspirational quotes in. Useful for when I feel down- I can read and get lifted.

We have take away to celebrate and watch TOWIE. Normal life, all I want.

Granddad bird continues to knock every morning!