Sick day

Day 118 – Wednesday

Feel sick today, have to lie down to help the feeling pass. Still waiting to hear from Newcastle.

Can't wait till bed time.

Snooze bug!

Day 117-Tuesday

Soo tired today. Need a snooze before going to the hospital to have pump disconnected and one after lunch. Still feel like I haven't slept! Still I know the fatigue will be getting worse as I head into the second half of cycles.

'E' brings round some lovely roses to cheer me up. Buddy doesn't like women coming into his house and makes a fool of himself barking and being scared. He is fine with men in the house, probably more nervous of them and scared to bark, and fine when he meets people out of the house. Need to get him to puppy training ASAP. Do not want a scaredy cat dog!

Watch Derren Brown 'Experiments' tonight and it teaches me a lot about positive thinking and changing your own luck. You need to recognise opportunities when they present themselves to you and see and believe in the best outcome from that opportunity. Need to take some of it on board.

Today's quote- ' When it rains look for rainbows. When it's dark look for stars'.

Quiet day

Day 116-Monday

Not much going on today. Wake feeling nauseous but this passes after 2 more hours in bed! Catch up on 'one born every minute'- my favourite programme! Then have a 2 hour snooze, and I didn't even feel tired! Ate a large toblerone and then realized this contained over my daily allowance of fat! Won't be doing that again! Still diet doesn't start until Thursday.

Dr Salti rings to discuss colonoscopy dates. I decide to wait until middle of April once all my visitors have gone. He says that his brother in Chicago has had a quick look at the scans and he is happy for me to continue with chemo and be re-scanned in a few months. All positive so just hope Newcastle agree. No news yet.

Today's quote- 'what lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us'.

Another embarrassing examination!

Day 115- Sunday

My day does not start well. I have to have a rectal examination with Dr K! This I blame on Matt. Poo talk coming up! For the last few weeks I have had a little bit of blood after I have passed a stool with some pain. It started after I was constipated so I thought maybe I had piles. Matt told me to mention it to Dr Khan in case it was a problem. I was not expecting him to check it! So embarrassed! Good news is it appears to just be a little cut with some irritation. So I need to sit in the bidet with some salt water. I knew there was a reason for bidets!

My bloods look better today including my liver function so this is good news. So chemo goes ahead as normal.

We are having a sand storm today so you can not see any of the sky scrapers or the Burj Khalifa. A bit Mission Impossible 4 if you saw it. There is actually a cyclone warning. This panics me, I have a fear of tornados and such things. So we phone Holly and tell her to keep the dogs inside. Don't want little Buddy flying away!

Holly has her job offer and now we are waiting for the negotiations to start. She is worried as she doesn’t like discussing money but it is vital over here, and they actually expect it.  

Mum has to head back to England to sign some papers to do with our place in Spain. We are thinking she will go when my two best friends are visiting at the end of March. (Can't wait!) She is soo excited to go home for a few days. Apparently she is heading straight to M&S for a ready meal!

Today's quote- ' Look towards the sun and shadows will fall behind you'.

Safa Park

Day 114- Saturday

No work today- had to make a decision at the beginning of the week whether I would be able to work or not. Decided it was best to cancel in case the news had continued to be bad. Feel terrible as now my patients have to wait 2 more weeks (or longer if I still need surgery). However, as this has been such a tough week I don't feel strong enough to work anyway. Normally in the chemo cycle this is my best day but because of the emotional stress, lack of sleep and general lack of exercise this week I feel weak.

No news yet from Newcastle. The surgeon has been really good at replying to our emails so I know he will contact us as soon as his team have made a decision. The problem is tomorrow hangs completely on his decision. If he is happy with the scans chemo continues and I get re-scanned in 6 weeks or I head to England for surgery. Need to get out of the house today or will continuously be looking at gmail.

My blog hit a record yesterday- 1066 page views! Can't believe there are so many people out there who are following my journey and supporting me. You would not believe how much that helps psychologically. I have friends who I went to primary school with, other friends I have not spoken to in years and people all around the world who I have never met sending me positive thoughts and love. Absolutely amazing and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. And so today's quote- 'Friends are like stars. You don't have to see them to know they are there'.

Head to a mexican restaurant to meet R and J for lunch. Arrived early so went to Safa park to have a look around. The park is really nice with a lake and BBQ areas. Will definitely come here again for a picnic.

In the drama of last week forgot to mention that Holly has got a job. She found out just after we heard the good news from Dr K. Hopefully our family luck is changing. So will be good having my little sis out here permanently. Now I just need to persuade my brother and Tash, my best friends and my cousins to move here and life will be complete!

The doctor has sent an email saying that he has only managed to have a quick look at the scans but he thinks the large area is non-cancerous. Yay! He can't comment on other area until he puts the scans on his own system so will know more early next week. I have the go ahead for chemo tomorrow. So my chemo player is Theo Walcott ready for the north London derby tomorrow.

Girly night

Day 113-Saturday

Have a lovely lie in. I love that hotels have black out curtains. We have breakfast sitting by the pool and I pig out- a cooked breakfast, croissants and fruit! Always reminds me of Michael McIntyre when I go to buffets. In one of his shows he talks about how you get shown to your table sit down, then say "it's a buffet" and stand straight up again to go and get your food! Hilarious but probably have to see it to fully appreciate!

Have been checking the stats on my blog and have been overwhelmed by the support I am getting. My hits have gone up massively in the last few days when I haven't been posting. Thank you for your support and concern. Not much to report today as I have been writing for over 5 hours!

My abdominal pain has been there again this week. It may be due to these patches of cancer cells or may just be healing still. Either way don't really want to moan too much about it. Seems the least of my worries at the moment.

We are waiting for the surgeon to get back to us today. The scans arrived with him this morning. Slightly on edge and hoping he is positive about what he can see. Just the smallest nervousness in my tummy and can't quite concentrate fully. Feels like exam results day! I don't think I have ever wanted chemo so much!

The lovely 'D' is coming over for a girly night tonight. Lots of gossip and pizza! Matt is off to the gym to get out his aggression! Have a lovely night but still haven't heard from the surgeon.

Today's quote- 'Faith is the daring of the soul to go further than it can see'.

A night away

Day 112- Thursday

Take Malika to the Vets for her rabies jab. She is so glad to be out of the house without Buddy! She is in for a long car ride though as I need to pick up my PET scan disc on the way home. 'O' says she was so relieved when she saw my results that she had goosebumps. I am so lucky to have health care professionals that care about me. I'm sure my patients already know this, but in case they don’t, I am always going to ensure they understand how much I genuinely care about them. Their health and quality of life is important to me. I can not express enough how it makes you feel to know your medical team care about you and your outcome. It is nearly as important as the actual treatment they are giving you. And in fact on the cancer journey I think it is just as important for your psychological fight.

Matt and I are off to the Marriott Courtyard Hotel tonight for my birthday present. Not allowed to go far in case I get ill and need to get to the American Hospital! It will be our first night alone since beginning of November! Definitely an occasion for the famous Christmas dress and shoes!

As soon as Matt gets home from school we head over there. We get lost on the way and head to the wrong Green Community! Start our evening with a nice cup of tea and pastry on the terrace overlooking the lake and swimming pool. Such a lovely setting. Really calm and peaceful. We run into some of matt's colleagues. They are at the hotel for happy hour- we decide to join them. Have a lovely few hours chatting with them and feeling normal. There is no talk of cancer and I enjoy the everyday conversation. This is just what I needed right now.

We go to the lovely Italian for dinner and eat far too much. In fact when they bring over my surprise chocolate cake I am too full to eat it! We decide to bring it upstairs to the bar so Matt's colleagues can help us with it. End up staying there until midnight. Have had a lovely evening. We had just started going out with CAS staff when I got ill so I enjoy getting to know them better tonight.

When we get back to the room Matt has decorated it with snow flakes he has made! We are having a 'snow day' as we missed the snow in England! The bed is huge and soo comfortable. Go to sleep feeling rested and happy. Feeling like this is what I am fighting for.

D Day

Day 111- Wednesday

Wake early to go to PET scan. Feel weak as was on low carbohydrate diet yesterday and crying has worn me out. Feel so scared and anxious about today.

Yesterday we got in contact with some surgeons. Dr Salti's brother in Chicago is a well known oncology surgeon and my boss knows a top liver specialist surgeon in Newcastle in the UK. They have agreed to review my scans and give their opinion on surgery or further treatment. Both of these Drs are top of their fields with a huge amount of experience. I am lucky that I have a personal contact with both of them and feel assured that if I need surgery they can help.

My PET scan experience is made good by the lovely 'O' who is preparing me and carrying out the scan. She is a lovely Canadian lady who keeps me entertained with stories. She also seems to care about me as an individual and she is yet another asset to the American Hospital. Once I have had the radioactive glucose (!) injected I have to lay still in a room on my own for an hour whilst it makes its way around my body. Never have I wanted to be on my own less. Now I have an hour just to think. Not good. I lie quietly with tears rolling down my face. Never have I felt so sad. I am praying that it has only spread to my liver. Never thought I would be saying that.

It feels like I am grieving for the life I thought I would have. I hate my body so much. How could it deceive me like this. I feel disgusting and wish I could just step out of it into a new body.

The actual PET scan only takes about 20 minutes and is the easiest scan I have had. The tunnel is large and there are no noises. 'O' tells me to come back at 5 to see the Dr and get the results. I leave after giving her the number for 'Up and Running'. She has a hip problem that we can definitely help her with!

Decide on leaving that I don't want to hear bad news from a Dr I don't know so head to see Dr K. We bump into him by the entrance. It is agreed we will meet him at 5 instead so he can tell us not only what the scan shows but what the plan is. Time to head home for the longest wait ever. Mum and I are going to see 'T' my hairdresser today and decide I want to have a normal day. It may be my last. And not think about results or cancer.

20 minutes later whilst still on the way home, Dr K phones. He sounds excited. In fact I would say he is buzzing. He tells me some miraculous news. My liver has come back clear on the PET scan. He explains that this means the large area is highly unlikely to be cancerous. It may just be damage from the chemo. He does however explain that the small back spot that was originally the concern is too small to show up on the PET scan so we still don't know whether this is a concern or not. He recommends we wait to see what the surgeons think when they see the scans and then all being well we can carry on with chemo. I am so happy to hear these words. I am most definitely not out of the woods yet but this is the best possible news I could have received today. There is a glimmer of hope and most importantly it has not spread anywhere else. There are a few spots around my operation site which could be post surgical healing or could be cancerous. I will need a further colonoscopy to tell. Dr K doesn’t seem too concerned by this though.

I have an enormous sense of relief. It may still have spread to my liver but it's nowhere else which means I am not terminal. I can fight this. There is also a good chance that it is not chemo resistant which is hopefully for the future.

I tell Matt, Tom and Dad. I don't want to tell too many people until we know for sure. This has been one big rollercoaster ride and I don't want to put everyone through this. There is good reason to be positive but we could still have a few more dips before the end of this ride.

I can relax a bit more for the rest of the afternoon. I have a little book that I am writing positive inspirational quotes in. Useful for when I feel down- I can read and get lifted.

We have take away to celebrate and watch TOWIE. Normal life, all I want.

Granddad bird continues to knock every morning!

Sad day

Day 110- Tuesday

Have about 2 hours sleep. Spend the whole night crying. Finding it really hard to process. I just have this feeling inside that I am dying. Don't know if this is instinct or gut feeling or whether I am just being my usual pessimistic self. All I can think of is what Matt will do and things I want to tell family and friends.

I want to see my brother and sister get married- this is all I keep thinking. I am too young to die. Why is this happening to me? What have I ever done to deserve this? I spend every day of my job helping other people and I really care about my patients, I want them to be better. Doesn't that give me an 'out of jail' card.

I am so sad my body hurts. I am alternating between crying, sobbing and being hysterical. I have so much advice that I want to give my brother and sister. So many things I need to say to people. So much that I want to do with my life. So much love for people that it can't be right that I am going to be taken away.

I am so scared of dying. Will I die in pain? Will heaven exist? Will my grandparents come and get me?

Mum and holly go out for the evening to give Matt and I some time on our own. I decide to tell him how I feel now to take some pressure off. I tell him again that I want him to remarry and go on to have children. In fact I tell him I will help him find someone else from the other side. I don't want him to try to replace me but find someone who loves him like I do and will just make him happy. I want him to live a full and happy life and I will just be a happy nice chapter of his life, one to always remember. I want him to live his life for both of us. I need to know he will fight on, succeed and be happy. My worry is he will give up and go to pieces. I want him to stay in contact with my family and continue to be a big brother to Tom and Holly.

I think about my funeral. What songs I want, what picture I want on the order of service, which readings I like. Will I get to say goodbye to everyone?

I think of all the things that need to be done/sorted. Malika needs her rabies jab, Buddy needs neutering, bills are due, decorating needs to be done. I want these things sorted so if I die Matt doesn't have to think of them. I decide I will write to close family and friends. In fact because I have so much to say to Matt, Tom and Holly I may just buy a journal and write in it whenever I think of something I want to tell them. Everyone else can get a letter. I am even thinking of cards 'P.S I love you style'.

Mum and Matt are cross I am not being positive. I just don't have an ounce of energy mentally or physically. Hard to feel positive when you think you are dying. I am expecting the PET scan to say that I have cancer spread to various places and that I am terminal. I promise them that if I am wrong and we get any kind of positive result I will fight. No more negative, positive all the way.

M.I.A.

Sorry I have been M.I.A. Had a terrible rollercoaster of a week. Thank you for your support and sorry to keep you hanging! Catching up with my writing this weekend so will post as I go.

Day 109- Monday

Few things I forgot to mention yesterday in my rush to get to bed with my new bag! Dr K phoned to tell me that he had the MRI scan but it had not been reported on officially so he couldn't give my any definite answers. I will be discussed in the 'tumour meeting' today and then he will let me know. So today is the day.

Did the thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do this morning- checked statistics for stage 4 colon cancer. Not pretty.  If  I have a met on the liver that can be successfully removed with surgery, I have a 25-40% chance of being alive in 5 years. And this fact is from a reliable source- cancer research UK. How depressing is that. Don't know whether to laugh, cry or write my will. I know I am jumping the gun here and as my granddad said yesterday (forgot to mention this) " don't go looking for problems with your health", but still how do I process that? In fact as I am reading these stats my granddad, in the form of the Eurasian hoopoe, taps on the window.  He is obviously telling me to stop!

I know everyone is different and stats are a general trend but, If that is the case it wouldn't even be fair to try for children would it? It would be really hard to get on with your life always wondering what side f the statistics you will fall.

I get the dreaded phone call. Dr Khan says they have found something new on my scan and I need to go to the hospital to discuss. Absolutely devastated. Phone Matt and he is going to leave school early to come and pick us up and take us to hear the results. Can't stop crying.

When we get to oncology you know you are getting bad news. Nurse 'N' gives Matt a sympathetic pat on the arm and the receptionist and accounts man can't look me in the eye. Dr 'K' enters the room and his whole demeanor is different. As I have said before he normally has an air of calm around him, but not today. He looks depressed.

Somehow I manage to keep calm and this is what I am told. The MRI has picked up an area measuring 3.5-4cm of abnormal tissue. It wasn't there on previous scans which would suggest it has grown on chemo. The Drs in the 'tumour meeting' agree that it is highly suspicious and there is a strong possibility it is cancer. The fact it has grown on chemo means the cancer is aggressive and chemo resistant. My only options are surgical and there is no one in Dubai who can do this operation. The area is near the major blood vessels of my liver so it will be a difficult job. My odds of long term survival have now dropped from 70% to 10%. He shows me the scans and the area is big and you can clearly see something is not right. It is the shape of a cloud with ill defined edges and appears to be a different texture to the rest of my liver. I do remember the word 'cure' being used and I thank god. So I need to have a PET scan, stop chemo and find a good surgeon.

When I see nurse 'N' I break down. This is the worse possible news and I am devastated. This is the best way to describe it. I feel like my life is over and I am so disappointed and shocked. How could the chemo not be working when it makes me feel so bad? How unfair is this? Nurse 'N' takes me to the PET scan to book an appointment. On the way I ask her "does this mean that colon cancer is going to kill me and it is just a matter of how many years?" she tells me to remain positive and that I have options that can still help me. The PET scan is booked for Wednesday as I have to have a special diet for 24 hours.

We get home in a sea of tears. Matt, mum and Holly are remaining positive. It makes me want to scream at them "Why aren't you crying? I'm dying". I don't want to hear about the 10% who survive, I don't want these statistics on my life. I have just been given a life sentence. My life, at the very best, is now going to be filled with operations removing my body parts to keep me alive.

When we get in I have to skype my dad with the news. How do you tell someone this news. It is heartbreaking. I have only ever seen my dad cry at his parents funerals. How am I suddenly the person telling their dad that they may be dying? Two weeks ago I was moaning about chemo and looking forward to June. Looking forward to my future

Message from Grandad

Day 108- Sunday

So for those of you that don't know about my spiritual side, I believe in guardian angels, spirit guides and ones who have passed being with you still. Back in the UK mum and I used to go to a spiritualist church and have readings. Now I am not particularly religious but I believe my relatives that have passed look over me and guide and help me. Think back to the water cooler! It gives me a sense of wellbeing, calm and love to believe this and I suppose that is what religion is about. Something that you believe that helps you and guides you.

So this morning I head over to see a medium. Now she knows nothing about me and I am expecting her to pick up my illness straight away- this doesn't happen. But a lot of what she says makes sense and I leave feeling better. I will mention the main points, even though they are personal, as I know I have cousins back in the UK desperate to hear!

So the spirit who comes today is my maternal grandfather- the same guy who I believe is the robin in England and the Eurasian hoopoe who keeps waking me up in Dubai! She describes him perfectly- a short, friendly, family man who was hard working. He starts by wishing me a happy birthday! He tells her I am married and we will always stay together as we are the perfect match- I am strong and Matt is emotional! In fact he says Matt is very emotional! He doesn't mention my illness but his comments are: (I wrote them down exactly as she was speaking!)

·        I will have a good outcome by the end of the year

·        My sparkle is on its way back

·        I have lots of support around me at the moment, especially in Dubai, with people who truly love me

·        This is a busy year and next year will be less stressful

·        My life will become calmer- he said this a lot.

·        Told me to keep working part time as this is good to keep me calm

·        My job involves telling people what to do all day long (my patients would agree!)

·        Reading is good for me to keep me calm

·        When things are calmer we will save to buy a house

·        I need to drink more water (everyone tells me this)

·        I keep going on about my weight and I mustn't (cue to eat more chocolate?!)

·        I am concerned about reproductive problems but I shouldn't be. Everything will be Ok when things are calmer!(apparently my first positive pregnancy test will be in September and we will have a girl in Dubai with dark hair and then later a boy who will be good at football!)

·        We will be in Dubai for another 4 years (hopefully more!) Potentially a move to Scotland! The medium said that lots of spirits have been talking about Scotland recently and she is not sure what is going on there!

·        Our finances are slow at the moment but will be more balanced in the future

He  had messages for Tom, Holly, mum, dad and my nanny also. His final goodbye was to remember to keep smiling and to give my cousins a kiss from him.

So overall I think it was quite good. When I told mum about the reading she said granddad would never have spoken about the cancer as when my uncle had cancer my granddad didn’t like to talk about it. Hopefully the fact that it wasn’t mentioned means this is just a stage of my life and everything is going to work out fine. Now mum and Holly want to go!

Found out today that Matt's mum is running a 3km for Beating Bowel cancer. She did really well and managed to run the whole thing with a sprint finish! Well done Cathy! And over 250 pounds raised!

Finish off with shopping heaven in bag world with my family! My uncle treats me to the cream Chloe satchel bag I have wanted for months! Go to bed a very happy girl and consider taking the bag to bed as it is softer than a pillow!

What I have learnt

Day 107- Saturday

Back to me writing again, if I can put down the chocolate for long enough!

Had a lovely dinner out at the The Grand Grill at the Habtoor Grand followed by drinks at Horizon bar. I love showing off Dubai to family and friends and it never lets you down.  Nearly didn't make dinner as came over all emotional thinking I was going to die. Came out of nowhere. We were just listening to Bruno Mars getting ready and I started thinking of all the letters I would write to loved ones if I was going to die. Had to re-do my make-up and just get a grip.

My anxiety around these scan results is sky high and I am really struggling to sleep. I know whatever they show I just have to get on with it and carrying on fighting but really just want to run away from it all. Don't want more surgery and don't want to be stage IV.

Have to wait 20 minutes for the scan as they have an emergency from ITU. They cannot apologise enough for keeping me waiting when the person is clearly in a worse state than me. Whilst we are waiting Matt and I discuss how our thoughts have changed recently. Being in this situation gives you a whole new perspective on life. You wonder why you have ever moaned about something before, why you have turned down offers to see friends just because you can't be bothered to get ready, why you have ever wasted a day. The things I have learnt, and I will share so you don't have to go through an illness to learn, is really appreciate every moment of your life and the people around you. From a quiet moment on your own to a night out with friends realize how great that moment is. Don't wait around waiting for your life to change- change it. Surround yourself with things that make you happy and people who are good for your soul. Don't moan about trivial things- life is too short.  Tell people how you feel, stick up for what you believe in and don't waste your time with people who don't care about you.  Remember that there are others who are worse off than you and give them your support. Don't let bad feelings inside make you ill. Get out your thoughts and feelings even if it is just writing them down. Don't stress, you never know what is around the corner. Relax and deal with your issues. Don't put things off, find a way to do it. Keep positive and trust your intuition. One of my favourite sayings is "life is not about the number of breaths you take, it is about the moments that take your breath away"- this I think sums up what I am trying to say.

Anyway I forgot how loud an MRI is! I was planning on having a snooze but with an orchestra of banging, knocking, whirling and alarming there was no chance. I also had to keep holding my breath for them to get a clear image of my liver. Realize I need to do something about my lung volumes and fitness as I really struggle with this. The contrast going in was fine- couldn't feel it just slightly tasted it, it is just hard lying completely still for an hour. You become acutely aware of every body part and what position it is in! Results will be within 48 hours.

Head to Dubai mall to show my family the fountains. We get a great table overlooking them so stay there for hours! As much as I take the mickey out of mum for loving them so much, I love them too. I never get bored and I find them really relaxing.

Don't get home until midnight! Need to be up early as Matt, mum and Holly are doing the VISA run and I am going to a medium………………

steak?

Day 106 – Friday

Seem to be spending most of my time thinking about potential scan results. So worried that it has spread and how I am going to deal with that. Hard to think about anything else. It's even affecting my snooze time. I Know I need to keep positive but in a way I think it is better to be realistic rather than optimistic. Less shocking that way.

Managed a quick lunch at the polo club with Matt and tonight we're heading out for dinner with my family who are visiting, taking them to a nice grill, thinking I may treat myself to a steak, only causes an hour of pain afterall, well worth it. Literally taking me all day to get ready with everything done in stages. Will probably be fine once I get out but it's just the process of getting there. Distractions are always good.

Have some new pj's as birthday presents from family so will be extra smart next round of chemo! Also have a 4 foot bar of chocolate to get through courtesy of my uncle that should be gone by the beginning of next week!

Nothing to report

Day 105 – Thursday

Bit of a nothing day. Feel 'nothingy.' Watered flowers, had a walk, ate chocolate, watched TOWIE.

Nausea

Day 104 – Wednesday

Matt writing for me again, just been extremely nauseous today, unsure why but have found that I have to lay on my right hand side to try and help it so have ended up spending most of the day lying down.

MRI is booked for 4pm on Saturday so hopefully will have results by Monday at the latest. We have got our night away at a hotel on Thursday, (my birthday present from Matt) hopefully this is not another break we would have to cancel due to surgery.

Hoping that I pick up as my auntie, uncle and two cousins are coming out to Dubai tomorrow for a week. Have managed two walks though, albeit short ones, and I managed to water some flowers in the garden. The good thing about the nausea is I haven't eaten much and only managed one small lindor chocolate ball for my chocolate fix!

next test

Day 103- Tuesday

Received some lovely flowers from the colleagues of Matt's old school last night, with a nice card. Always picks me up when I get messages of support.

Dr K phones first thing this morning. In fact he wakes me up and I don't manage to ask any questions. He tells me I have a spot on my liver that needs to be investigated further with an MRI. Have a cry because I am worried this is a colon cancer met spread to my liver. Buddy cries with me!

When I head to the hospital to have my pump out I ask more questions. Dr K is unsure what the spot is but it may be a cyst, a hemangioma or a met. The spot is only small. Less than 2 mm so may have been missed on my previous scan. If it turns out to be a met then I will have surgery to remove it before continuing with further chemo. If the MRI comes back inconclusive then I will continue with chemo and have another scan in a few months. If it is a cyst or hemangioma then nothing needs to be done.

So a bit of a waiting game. Should have the scan within the next few days. Stressful and upsetting and I can't help thinking the worse. Really don't want this to have spread and be stage 4 and really don't want more surgery. Can't help thinking about dying and how Matt will cope.

Scan

Day 102- Monday

Get up at 4am to have a jam sandwich as have to be nil by mouth 6 hours before scan. Not particularly hungry but know if I don't eat something it will make me feel sick. Then up at 6.45 to take 4 nausea tablets!

The scan is fine, they see me 20 minutes early so minimal hanging around. The contrast material tastes horrible- like metal and I get a bit of a warm feeling around my face. Will probably get the results tomorrow when I get my pump out.

Not too bad today. A little bit of nausea and some tiredness but manage my walk around the lake.

Ferrero Rocher- 6, Pachi chocolates- 3, Two way conversations between Buddy and nanny- 3, snooze-1 1/2 hours!

Liver troubles

Day 101 – Sunday

Bad start to chemo day, apparently my liver function has been abnormal for three cycles but today it is worse. So the plan is to have a contrast CT scan tomorrow morning to check what is going on with my liver and see what is causing the pain in my abdomen. Bit depressing. Doctor won't commit but could be fatty liver caused by one of the chemo drugs.

Managed to sleep for a few hours which made the time go quicker. By the time we had sorted out the appointment for the scan we had been at the hospital 7 1/2 hours. Got weighed and have put on 10 pounds since chemo started! Not good. Need to be really strict from the first of March.

Feeling weak already (matt is writing) and had some neuropathy and jaw pain. Gonna be an early night.

Today's song is a tribute…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxZD0VQvfqU&ob=av2e

Birthday girl

Day 99-Friday

So the dogs had a fight and Buddy ends up at the emergency vet. Dad was waiting to go home but the taxi number was engaged or not connecting. This was strange as normally you get through straight away. He was stroking Malika when the puppy came over and tried to bite her mouth. He does this all the time and normally Malika just snarls or growls and he stops. But not tonight. She attacks. She grabs his neck. Buddy is crying and yelping and luckily dad is close so can grab Malika and finally she releases him. He has cut his ear and is really scared. Thank god dad was there and hadn't gone back to his hotel otherwise Malika may have killed him. After all was calm I phoned to book dad a cab and it immediately went through. Very strange that it didn’t work before. Was it our spirit friends again making sure dad was here to stop the fight so Buddy wasn’t injured more? Who knows.

We manage to stop Buddy's ear bleeding but as soon as he itches it it starts to bleed again. We decide he needs to see the vet. So off we head for his third vets visit in 2 weeks. His vets is closed so we head to the oncall vets. Slightly apprehensive as I like and trust our vets and it feels a bit like taking you baby to a doctors you don't know. Anyway we get there and the vet is gorgeous! And Matt is the one to say he is 'wrap him up' gorgeous! When we were on holiday last year mum saw a good looking man and stated 'wrap him up, I'll take him home'! Since then this is our saying for good looking men!

He checks the cut and it is quite deep so Buddy needs to be sedated to have stitches. 20 minutes later we are leaving with a sleepy Buddy with a cone around his neck. He looks so cute. Malika is ashamed when we get home and tries to lick the cut. She is not my friend and I am not talking to her. We have to decide what to do. We don't want to return Buddy but we don't know if we can trust Malika. For now we are going to keep them separate when we are not in and keep a close eye on them the rest of the time.

So today we are celebrating my birthday.  I am wearing my new black dress that I bought with my Christmas money from Matt's family. Takes ages to do my hair to try and make it look normal. I use a hair mask to smooth the follicles, then a volumising mouse, then I dry it with a roller brush so it is bouffant style, then I straighten minimally to smooth and then I hairspray into place. The result is quite good and it looks like I have all my hair! Lot of effort though!

We head over to the yacht club for Brunch. Lovely setting on the terrace overlooking the marina. And the food is good. Starter selection of salads, seafood and sushi, then carvery or a mixture of lasagna, curry, fish for main course. Have two plates of starters as can't fit it all on one plate! Bit concerned that we don't see any puddings but then we discover the pudding room! Perfect! The restaurant also give me a chocolate birthday cake. Have a great time catching up with some friends and don't even miss the alcohol. Decided not to drink for the rest of chemo as when I had my bad cycle at the beginning of January I had drunk over Christmas and I think this didn’t help how I was feeling. The cocktails do look great though. Mum gets drunk and we decide she has lost all social skills with being locked away all the time!

We head home for a few hours so I can sleep and then head to the comedy. First comedian was average but the other two were good. Really enjoy the comedy on my good weeks. Ends up being a late night though- home at midnight!

Day 100- Saturday, My Birthday!

Wake feeling sad and I decide I want a cry. After all… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsYJyVEUaC4

Cry because I am waking up 32 years old with cancer and chemo tomorrow. Just feels like a bad start to my next year. Really, really don’t want to have chemo tomorrow. Think it's because I have had a good few days and especially spending some time with friends yesterday, makes me feel sad that I am back in the house again this week. Want to just feel sorry for myself for a while. Dad's response to me is " It could be worse, at least you have legs"! This is true but it could also be a lot better!

Have some lovely presents and cards from family, friends and colleagues. I am very lucky. And thank you for all my lovely messages.

Head to work in a bad mood and feeling down. The good thing about work is I forget about my own problems so hopefully I will be more positive by the end of my shift. My patients buy me presents- all chocolate related! They know me too well. Just as well the diet doesn’t start until March!

By the time I get home I feel too tired to go out for dinner so we cancel and have take away instead. Fancy a nice Indian. Chocolate cake, courtesy of 'Smiley Knee', to finish.

Doing really well with my fundraising, nearly 4000 pounds with everyone's fundraising efforts and sponsorship! The pupils at Matt's school have raised 1000 pounds on top of that!  So proud of everyone and I know Beating bowel cancer will put the money to good use. If anyone else wants to donate the link is www.justgiving.com/didamushroomsavemylive

My chemo player for tomorrow is Scott Parker from Tottenham.  Don't know him but Matt says he is good.  Apparently he doesn’t score many goals though so hopefully will be an alright cycle.  Number 6 tomorrow so I am half way! Has gone quickly in a way and if I can do the first half I can do the second half. Hopefully the second half will be easier mentally too.