side stepping back into life

Day 66- Sunday
Well there goes the last week! Slept for most of it and I mean 20 hours a day for 3 days straight! I was deep sleeping as well. I don't remember any dreams and I would wake feeling exhausted and like I hadn't slept for days. At least if I am asleep I am not feeling nauseous! My body is now so stiff from having slept so much. The portacath is aching from spending so much time lying on my right hand side. Then last night I couldn't sleep! Tossed and turned before getting up at 4am and skyping my sister! So today I still feel a little bit tired! I predict I am 60% back to normal.

Definitely getting harder as the cycles go on. After that first cycle I bounced back and now I am like side stepping into the day having a cautious look around! I can tell when is my worse day and when I am about to improve. On my worse day I am really low psychologically and I cry if I can muster the energy. I feel like I don’t want to fight and really fed up. I know this is tough on Matt but I can't help it. At that point I don't want to carry on. I don't feel like I have an ounce of energy and I can't see anything positive.

The day before I know I will be good I pick up psychologically. I get a rush of fighting spirit and think "bring it on". It doesn't last long but it's definitely there. On the last night before I know I will be feeling better my mind races. I start to think of all the things I am going to do for the week and this is the only time when I think about cancer directly. I have a few questions that I need to ask Dr K next time. I want to know that if it comes back will it start as a polyp or will it develop anywhere, does 30% reoccurrence mean in the first 5 years or over my lifetime and how long do I have to wait before we can start trying for children again. I read that you have to wait a year after the last chemo and this worries me. I am knocking on a bit, 32 in a month! And haven’t got time on my side.

So in the 4 hours a day I was awake mum bathed Malika- she now smells of coconut, I got wheeled in my chair around the block- slowly getting put in more clothes. Now my outfit includes: PJs, ski socks, gloves, thick cardigan, hat, dressing gown, blanket and a towel! And surprisingly I still feel cold. And mum has a night out with family friends. She is so excited she starts getting ready about 3 hours early. When the taxi arrives she runs out the door. She later confesses she sat in the taxi for 10 minutes outside as the taxi didn't know the hotel she was going to, but she didn’t want to come back in and ask us directions in case I changed my mind and wanted her to stay!

Matt has also developed Reiki healing powers! He can remove nausea and more recently fatigue! He does this to try and do something and we have a little laugh. But the other day he was 'removing' fatigue when he suddenly opened his eyes and looked startled. He said he could feel the fatigue spreading to his own fingers! Maybe we are on to something, willing to try anything!

Felt like listening to the Jersey Boys soundtrack today. This is my favourite song from the show, great show by the way if you like this kind of music…..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2RVJB08pMk&feature=related

Yummy mummy 'K' comes round with little 'E'. We play on the i-pad and it's amazing how quickly kids pick things up. We have a little dance and this is the most I have done for over a week.

Get weaker and weaker as the day goes on and we are unable to leave the house AGAIN. Very disappointing as I thought this was the start of a good day. About to have a curry take away- this will either give me the energy I require or I will spend the rest of the night on the toilet. Watch this space…………………………….!