soo tired

Day 89-Tuesday

Very little to report today. Generally felt more tired and a little more nauseous. Had one snooze and although I feel I could sleep all day I think this was my down fall in the bad cycle at the beginning of the month, so resisting!

Pump out without much to report. Was only in there about 10 minutes and completely painless removal thanks to nurse 'N'.

Matt is out at his football match tonight and Holly is meeting a friend so just mum and me this evening. And it's 7.30 and I can't stay up any longer. Sorry mum!

Happy Birthday mum!

Day 88- Monday

Mum's birthday today. Happy Birthday! Not the best day as we haven't got her any presents. She is not sure wants she wants and with me not being well enough to go shopping on my own, she has to wait for her presents. She has been given the day off though! Holly is in charge of looking after me and cooking dinner. And we let mum go food shopping as a treat!

Buddy's diarrhea has returned so now we need to try and get a sample and take it to the vets. That's if he doesn't eat it all first. Yep as of today he likes to eat his poo! So now we need to keep a constant eye on him in the garden because if he isn't trying to dig a hole to Australia he is trying to eat his poo! We are waiting for Malika to tell him this is not what you do but I think she likes the fact his breath now smells and he is getting less cuddles! She did however tell him off this morning when he was running around the room whilst she was still trying to sleep. She jumped off the bed, herded him onto his bed and then sat by it so he couldn't move and had to go to sleep! I fear I am becoming one of those boring people that only talk about what their pets do but little else going on in my life!

On a positive I don't feel too bad today. A little tired and fatigued but really manageable. Have managed 3 walks and had 1 snooze. Pump out tomorrow and I think Holly is going to come with me to see what goes on. Started using a silicone gel on my scar today that Dr Salti gave me that is meant to reduce the colour and flatten the scar. I have taken a picture of the scar today and we can compare in a few weeks time. Fingers crossed it works as although it is healing well it is still quite purple-ish in colour.

Also need to get back onto a strict diet as I have put on 1kg in this last cycle- slowly creeping back up and I don't want to lose the only benefit of having cancer, a flat tummy! In fact Matt called my tummy 'cuddly' last night and you know that is never a good sign! I keep talking about doing a little bit of pilates each day to get the muscles going, but don't! It's weird when you are just bored at home, you are almost too bored to bother with anything at all. Also being stricter on just one bar of chocolate a day, which I have broken already today as I had a kit Kat Chunky and then a  brownie! Plus a big plate of stodgy creamy cheesy pasta that Holly made for dinner!

I have been having quite a lot of neuropathy in my finger tips even without touching cold things. Actually really painful when it happens and there is nothing you can do to stop or reduce it. Like a sharp prickling of the skin. But twitching of muscles and spasms has been much less, barely any at all so far.

Have only seen my husband for half an hour today as he went to golf after school, home for a quick dinner and then straight off to football training! The other day when I went shopping with mum and Holly I bought myself 2 tops in the sale which only came to 20 pounds which is the same price as this night golf Matt has found. As soon as I got in and showed him the tops he said "that's a round of golf for me!" I think he forgets I still have Christmas money to spend that his family gave me!

Today's song is mum's choice…………..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z36QbJ7rRl8

Battle number 5

Day 87- Sunday

So off we go again! Decide to follow road signs to the hospital this morning rather than going the way I know as I figure this would be quicker. Big mistake! Typical Dubai after the first road sign there are no more so I have to turn around and go back the way I know! What a waste of time!

Dr Salti pops along to see me. I have given him one of the Beating Bowel Cancer t-shirts- an appropriate message for him "Beating Bowel Cancer- Saving lives'. We discuss awareness and fundraising and he is keen to help me increase awareness. Maybe even with a radio interview!

Manage to sleep for an hour or so whilst chemo is going in so that wastes some time! Poor mum though just having to sit there on a hard chair! Although don't feel too sorry for her as she wakes me by unwrapping an ice-cream. Soo cruel when I can't have one!

The lady next to me is having her last chemo session today. She is excited and I can't wait for that to be me. Must be the best feeling. I'm sure that last cycle you barely notice your symptoms.

Get home and decide to do some work whilst I can still concentrate. Shaky hands are starting again now though and fingers have pins and needles. Not pleasant.  We have gone live on facebook so everyone check us out – The Knicker Drawers! Also have a good old gossip with yummy mummy 'K' and meet 'N' The Knicker Drawers' new employee-Welcome to Dubai!

Off for a walk now and then to bed……………….

Cinema visit

Day 86- Saturday

Have 11 1/2 hours sleep last night and I wake feeling good. Just as well as I have work today! Good to see my patients and I feel great and normal. Have a buzz driving home and I really feel that working helps pick me up ready for the next cycle. It reminds me of who I am, what I can do and what my future will be. Sounds dramatic but a really good feeling.

Tonight is date night. It was meant to be last night but we were both too tired! Decide to go out to dinner and then to the cinema. We don't go to the cinema much as Matt prefers to watch stuff in the comfort of his own home. That and the fact we always seem to sit near smelly people! No change tonight.  Just as the film is starting 4 guys sit in front of us and they stink! I swap places with Matt as he has a bad sense of smell but even he can smell them. Don't understand why people don't wash.

Also we can never agree on which film to watch. I like rom-coms but Matt likes psychological thrillers. Which I like as well but they don't come around that often. We decide on Mission Impossible 4 because it is 'neutral'! We often do this- watch something that neither of us really wants to see but something that is neutral! Ridiculous really, we should just take it in turns to watch films one of us likes. Anyway I agree to Mission Impossible 4 because some of it was filmed in Dubai. Didn't really rate it. Tom Cruise should probably have died within the first 10 minutes but goes on to survive a number of ridiculous stunts. And they didn't really even portray Dubai that well.

Dinner was lovely though. Went to Biella, an Italian that never lets you down. And after the cinema we had Pinkberry frozen yoghurt with fruit. Matt swore he would never go there as it was mentioned loads in one episode of 'Curb your enthusiasm' and Matt hates product placement in programmes! However the mango yoghurt I had was delicious and will definitely be having another. I like to eat something cold just before my chemo cycle as I know I won't be able to eat anything cold for at least the next week. I have never eaten so much ice-cream!

Tomorrow's chemo player is Steven Gerrard. A tough one but hopefully he is tired after today's match!

Race day

Day 85- FridayWake up at 4.45am. Have an hour and 45minutes until we need to leave for the race but my throat is sore and need a hot lemon drink so get up. Dinner was great last night and we will definitely be going back there. Had the perfect view of the fountains as well. Only problem was that it took 20 minutes to get our car back from valet parking. We are so spoilt in Dubai. Every time you go out it is pretty much to a 5 star hotel so there is always valet parking! When I went home for a friend's wedding last summer I was most put out when the hotel I was staying at didn't have valet parking! I was expected to walk from the car park to the entrance! The only problem with valet parking here is our car. We have a Ford Focus which is a car you would be pleased to have back home. In fact it is a better car than we did have back home! But out here it is rubbish compared to all the 4x4s, Ferraris and Bentleys! So we are always a bit embarrassed when the valet pulls up with our car!

When we arrive at the race it is packed. There is a really good good atmosphere. We are all dressed in our Beating Bowel Cancer t-shirts and caps and sashes. I realize that for the first time everyone will know why I am in a wheelchair (in my chair as there is quite a distance to walk and not sure if there will be seating). And I have to admit it is the first time I am embarrassed of my diagnosis. I was happy with people not knowing and thinking that I probably had something like MS. I know there is nothing to be ashamed about but suddenly I am aware of the stigma attached to bowel cancer and I can understand why people may not what to go to their doctor with symptoms. I feel awkward that people associate bowel cancer with bleeding from the bottom and diarrhea, and will therefore be thinking of me with these symptoms. I know these are stupid thoughts but they are very much there. In fact I can't relax properly until we are all sitting in the stand and without me being in my wheelchair you wouldn't know I was ill. Now we all look the same and look like we have just chosen a charity rather than one of us having the disease.

I am really proud of everyone who ran. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6LVI1gDswg

Everyone did really well and we had runners of all ages! Hopefully when all the sponsorship money is in we would have raised a good amount. Already it is over 2,500 pounds! Thank you again to everyone who has donated or ran. It means a lot to me to have this support and it helps put me in the right spirit for Sunday. I promise that when I am better I will train for a run- it may only be the 3km though as I was always more of a sprinter!

Malika can play!

Day 84-Thursday
So I wake up with Matt's cold. This is what happens when the mask is not worn! Slightly stuffy nose but really sore throat. Have to phone my medical team to see if I am allowed to take cold medicine. Leave a message for the nurse and then 5 minutes later Dr 'K' phones me back. Again what great service and care. Just need to keep an eye on my temperature and make sure the sore throat doesn't progress to anything else. So today I am on the hot lemon, paracetamol and lozengers!

Get some more work done. I HATE computers. A job that should have taken me 15 minutes ending up taking an hour and a quarter as my stupid computer wouldn't let me attach all the pictures I wanted to. Really annoying. To treat myself I head to IKEA!

Buddy comes to pick Matt up from school today and meets some CAS colleagues. He is nervous but good for him to be socializing with lots of people. Then he has to go to the vets for his second vaccination. He has also had diarrhea since we have had him. Bowel problems continue to run in this family! The vet wants us to keep an eye on it and collect a stool sample. Let's hope it is just getting used to new food and environment.

Today Malika plays fetch with a ball for the first time ever. She does it out of jealousy to get the attention away from the puppy, but it is the first time she has ever played like a dog! Buddy is good for her!

Tonight we are taking mum out for her early birthday dinner. A nice Thai restaurant overlooking the Dubai fountains. Mum is bound to take 100s of pictures of her favourite thing in Dubai so will post them tomorrow. I am going to wear the new leather pants and again will provide photographic evidence for my friends back home that think this is hilarious!

Moan, moan, moan

Day 83- Wednesday
Taxi service again today! Holly's interviews go well. Whilst Mum and I are waiting for her we go to the Organic Café. I order spaghetti Bolognaise. The first time I have had mince since the surgery. It is absolutely delicious! Decide I am going to have organic mince every now and then as a treat.

Spend time doing work today. Know that I won't be able to do much again next week so trying to get the hard jobs done now. Keep getting distracted by Buddy. He is just so cute you want to watch him the whole time.

Had nausea so had to take an anti-nausea tablet- bit disappointed! Also have a sore throat starting. Don't mean to moan but just getting a bit pissed off. Fed up not feeling normal now. Can't wait for June when I can actually plan a day out and stick to it without needing medicine, an afternoon nap and a wheelchair.

Holly arrives

Day 81 & 82- Monday & Tuesday
Didn’t get a chance to write yesterday as I was soo busy! Holly has moved to Dubai! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNAQ8LLptUo&feature=related

She wasn't enjoying living in Portugal so she has moved here to help mum look after me and try to find a good job. The plan is then for Pedro to move out in a few months once she is settled, got a job and flat. So our house is busy with a new puppy and a sister staying! Poor Matt is being overtaken by Woolstons!

So yesterday we had to go shopping to buy Holly a suit for interviews. I feel tired but keen to get out of the house and see inside a mall again! Go in the wheelchair and have to stay in the chair pretty much the whole time. We manage to find Holly some work clothes in Zara and I find myself a pair of leather pants! Now Holly just needs shoes and we are done. Easier said than done! Because of the sales, everywhere has sold out of black size 6s. In the last shoe shop we are desperate and the only style available is a black stiletto with a silver mirrored heel! Gorgeous! From the front they look very professional and from the back they look a little risqué!

Before we leave the mall I have a bag of sweets- green laces, gums and raspberries. Eat the whole bag in the last shoe shop and then get a sugar high! I am also covered in sugar. Must look very special sitting in the chair!

Today Holly has had a meeting with a recruitment agency and an interview. Within an hour she was called to say she had made the next test round so hopefully she gets a job soon. Tomorrow 3 interviews are scheduled.

Feel tired and quite weak today. Only managed a short snooze and I find on these days I don't last very well. Bit depressing but at least I can leave the house, even if it is to be taxi service!

Buddy is settling in really well. Still no accidents and he is starting to come out of himself a bit more. He collects all his toys and anything else lying around the house that he can carry in his mouth and piles them in the garden. He is getting more confident with Malika and has even tried to initiate some playing. Malika is almost ready to let her hair down and play!

For the last few nights Malika and Buddy have slept in the room with mum and Holly, so 4 on the bed! Tonight, now he is more settled, Buddy is sleeping in the downstairs toilet where he is put if we go out. Not yet confident that the two dogs will be OK if left alone so keeping them separate when we are not around.

My patient 'C' pops round to pick up a Beating Bowel Cancer t-shirts for her colleague and my former patient 'S'. She has managed to persuade him to run the marathon on my behalf. I am very grateful for all of those that are running to raise money for Beating Bowel Cancer this Friday. Today at Matt's school all the children participated in a fun run also to raise money for the charity. Hear it was a great success and can't wait to see the pictures. The kids did really well at getting sponsored and a sweet kid even asked Matt "Mr Barrett is it your wife that has the cancer? I hope she gets better"!

Now time for an early night…………………….

Buddy comes home

Day 80- Sunday
Have a disturbed nights sleep- Matt has a cold so was tossing and turning all night and keep thinking about Buddy! Last night we bought him a bed, collar and lead (Blue but for Chelsea not Millwall! He is going to be my posh boy!), food bowl and a bag of toys! Already a spoilt dog!

When we arrive at K9 Friends he seems to recognise us. As soon as he is put on the floor he runs over to me and mum! Soo cute! Love him already. His history is sad. He was found on an Industrial estate with the rest of his litter and has never lived in a home. We discuss his vaccinations, feed and getting him neutered. The plan when we arrive home is to take Malika out for a quick walk then bring Buddy on the lead outside the house to wait for her.

Initially Buddy is really scared about being out of the shelter but within 5 minutes of being in the car he is fine, looking out the window and 'chatting' away! He is a talker, constantly telling us what he thinks! We get home with no 'accidents' or vomiting so he is good in cars.

Mum gets Malika on the lead and takes her out. Buddy and I have a little walk outside the front of the villa waiting for his big sister to arrive back. When he sees Malika he goes mad! Cries and runs over to her as fast as he can! Malika is wagging her tail and seems pleased to see me but not really fussed about him! Heartbreaking for the little chap!

The day is filled with playing, cuddling, a little bit of snarling and body blocking from Malika but generally a very happy garden loving little pooch! Buddy is a little scared when Matt gets home. Probably because Malika goes crazy and he is not that used to men. Most of the workers at K9 Friends are female so he hasn't met many men in his life. Not long before he is playing with his daddy though! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqBEi2vfxAs

Accidents in the house- zero, poo in Malika's designated poo corner- 1 (such a clever boy!), walks- 1 long one copying whatever his big sis did, kisses-thousands!

Chicago blues

Day 79- Saturday
We wake up early and write our pros and cons for getting a new dog. Matt decides he doesn’t really want one so we leave it at that. But then I see him having a sneaky look at the adoption page! We agree that we will take Malika to meet the puppies and see what happens. We are both a little nervous as Malika likes to put small dogs in her mouth, shake them and throw them! On the journey there Malika hides on mum. It is like she has a sixth sense that we are going back to the place we got her and she could just as easily be left again!

When we get there mum and Matt stay with Malika whilst I go and choose a puppy. I pick an adorable little black puppy with light brown eyebrows. All seems to be going well. Malika licks him then doesn’t seem too fussed. Then the puppy makes the ultimate mistake, it bites her tail. Malika hates anyone touching her tail and she growls a warning. This puppy is playful though and thinks it's great fun holding on. Game over, we can not have this puppy. Real shame as puppy was very cute and Matt loved him as he tried to eat Matt's shoe laces!

Next we try 'Falafel'. Beautiful little boy who is shy and submissive. K9 Friends think this puppy's personality may be better as he will take orders from Malika and not bother her too much. He is placed on the floor and instantly falls over! Looks like Bambi on ice! He crawls and shuffles along rather than walking! Malika again doesn’t seem too fussed initially and just ignores him. He shows off to her, rolling on his back and when she still won't pay him attention he starts to cry. Totally gorgeous with a sad little face and really soft ears! When he sniffs her tail she gives a growl and he immediately backs off! This is what Malika likes! She likes to be the alpha male and she likes everyone to be submissive around her! We spend nearly an hour in there and they seem to get on alright. Malika also lets him receive a treat once she has been given one herself. Our dog is a bit like me- bossy, dominant and in charge of the house! 'Falafel' is more like Matt- submissive for an easy life!

Long story short we decide we will take 'Falafel' on a trial basis to see how he gets on with Malika at home. As it is my birthday in February he is my birthday present and therefore I get to name him! Mum suggests 'Chemo' but don't want anything quite that obvious! I want to name him something to do with America in order to recognise the American Hospital as the place that saved my life. Dr Salti used to work in Chicago and Chicago was one of our favourite places in America so going down this line…… I decide on Buddy after the Blues artist Buddy Guy. Every evening in Chicago we went to Buddy Guy's Legends bar to listen to the blues. The bar was great and we loved it there. So tomorrow we pick up the new addition to our family, Buddy Guy Falafel Barrett! Soo excited!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoWSosXPR0I&feature=related

In fact the excitement has taken it out of me and can't do anything else for the rest of the day. But it doesn’t matter because tomorrow I'm getting a puppy!

Puppy?

Day 78-Friday
Wake feeling a bit better. Matt has a sore throat so mum has to fuss around him- hot lemon drinks and aspirin gargle! He refuses to wear a face mask though!

After my bath- which should have been a shower as the heat completely wore me out again, decide I want to put on some make-up, do my hair and put on some nice clothes. After an hour I am all dressed up with nowhere to go! Decide we will go and see if we can find Matt a driver (the golf club kind, not the car driving kind for my Dubai friends!) for his birthday. We arrive at the Els Golf club and I take a seat whilst he talks to the golf club fitter. He then disappears for half an hour! I don’t mind though as I see Rory McIlroy! This is the second time I have seen him in Dubai. Last year we saw him in the 'Race to Dubai' and he winked at me! Matt got jealous, I was quite chuffed! Don’t have my camera on me otherwise I would have got a snap for the blog! Anyway 3 magazines later I decide I better go and find Matt. He is having a mini driver lesson on the golf range. By this time I am cold (it has rained, well 'spat' in Dubai today- first time since the day of my op) and I have missed my snooze. Oh well at least he has a birthday present now!

Head home to rest before heading out for date night. We go to the Polo club for dinner. Only a 2 minute drive away and I think if we had been in the UK it would have been an M&S dinner, DVD and PJ night! Miss M&S soo much! Just remember I had a dream about Percy Pigs last night! They are my all time favourite sweets.
Have been to the Polo Club a few times before and for some reason it is always really quiet. Lovely setting, inside is like a barn conversion and then you look out the window and everything is Arabic style with fairy lights in all the trees. We are the only people there to start with and I feel sorry for the waitress. Today's song is what is playing in the restaurant…..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9Jfb_iuy4k&feature=related
Matt has steak OBVIOUSLY as we no longer have red meat in the house (!) and I have lobster and crab tortellini. Food was delicious so I opt for pudding. Chocolate melt in the middle pudding (and I have to say better than M&S!) with berries, plums, ice cream and almonds! I have a mouthful with the ice-cream and yes it freezes my throat! Worth it though for that moment of heaven!

Mum is out for the evening with some friends that are over on holiday. Feel so sorry for her, her life is as boring as mine! On my bad weeks she just cooks, cleans, washes, sweeps and looks after me. Sometimes we don’t talk to anyone apart from Matt all day! Shame that today, her day off, the weather has been bad so she couldn’t even sunbathe. We try to think of something nice to get her for her birthday, which unfortunately is right in the middle of my next chemo. Keep drawing blanks as nothing seems significant enough.

Discuss puppies again today! Trying to talk Matt into wanting one for his 30th. Who wouldn’t want a puppy for their 30th?! Also new puppies have arrived at the rescue centre in the last few days and they are the puppies of a dog named 'Jewel'. When we got Malika her original name was 'Jewel' so I see this as a sign! Hopefully can persuade Matt into going to see them tomorrow!

Groundhog day

Day 77- Thursday
Same old, same old today- which is all good.

Manage to do 30 minutes work. Then venture to the fridge and shut the door on my portacath. Absolute agony. Don’t know how I managed to do this as it only sticks out about 1cm but hurts for about 10 minutes afterwards.

Lots of hair comes out in the shower today and the baldy patch on the right hand side looks incredibly thin in the sunlight!

So Groundhog day continues…………………………..

Not a bad chemo Wednesday

Day 76- Wednesday
Nothing much to report today. Had more nausea which is a bit of a pain. If I could just reduce that I haven't felt too bad. Had a morning snooze and this afternoon felt too nauseous to sleep.

Spots have returned suddenly again to my face , shoulders, back and chest. Not there at lunchtime but there now! Must be the chemicals coming out of my body. Can smell the chemicals coming out of my skin as well- horrible!

Started having a quick look at our Ireland road trip for the summer. Matt is mainly concerned with the golf courses on route! No surprise there! As long as I can relax and not think about cancer or chemo I don't care what we do!

Today has been the best chemo week Wednesday I have had so far. Hopefully the sticking to schedule, walking more, sleeping less and drinking more is working. Let's see how tomorrow goes before I start boasting too much!

Golf widow

Day 75- Tuesday
Pump out! 4 down, 8 to go = 1/3 down!!! Slightly more tired and feel nauseous again when I have to go to the hospital. Sticking to my schedule though and so far this seems to be making a big difference. The test will come over the next 2-3 days when my symptoms normally worsen.

Beating Bowel Cancer are promoting their BE LOUD BE CLEAR 2012 campaign so please everyone have a look at the following link and make sure you know the symptoms of bowel cancer.
http://www.beatingbowelcancer.org/cheeky-warning
Don't be afraid to talk about poo and bleeding from the bottom with your friends and family. Bowel cancer is 90% treatable if caught early enough.

Nothing interesting happened today. Watched Michael McIntyre- always makes me laugh. He says everything that you think but would never say out loud!

Walks- 2.5, juice- 1 1/4 glasses, snooze- 1 hour 45, time with husband- minimal as he went to play golf instead!

Help from the golf gods!

Day 74- Monday
Have a disturbed nights sleep. Keep waking thinking about taking my next nausea med. Also really hot last night so we open the balcony door for a breeze half way through the night.

Decide to get up and have a shower first thing. This seems to work better and I'm not too tired. Have long walk with mum. We are gone about 30 minutes and I manage to walk the whole way!

Matt enters a golf competition on the radio whilst on his way to football training and wins a round of golf at Emirates Golf Club, one of the nicest courses here in Dubai. Earlier he got a 50 pound parking ticket for being lazy and not parking properly at the supermarket. Our rule is if you get any kind of ticket it comes off your allowance for that month! He was all upset that meant less golf next month so someone was obviously feeling sorry for him this evening and helped him out!

Only other news of the day is I don’t feel too bad, had two further walks, had an hour afternoon snooze and did some work. Looking up songs for work helps me remember a great little happy song…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8NpGy06pv0&feature=related

Not the most interesting day but a positive day none the less!

Walk, walk, walk!

Day 73- Sunday
Up early, we drop Matt to school and head to the hospital. I get lost (missed a turn off then had to drive 10 minutes out of the way before I could do a U-turn!) so we arrive 20 minutes late. Explain that I haven’t had a great two weeks to nurse 'N' and Dr 'K'. Nothing I have experienced is out of the ordinary and Dr 'K' emphasizes the importance of structure to every day and getting out for exercise every day.

We have breakfast waiting for my blood test results and I decide I have to stop playing the 'sick patient' role. I am going to make sure I put on clothes and not just PJs over the next week and do more walking even if it is only to the end of the road a couple of times a day. It is great that mum is here looking after me but it means I have to do nothing for myself. I have to take a bit more responsibility and control and force myself to do more. This is easier said than done so we will see what happens!

Portacath needle going in didn’t hurt at all today. My white cell count is better (within normal limits, just!) so less chance of infection which is good. Red blood count is about the same as last time and overall nothing wrong with my bloods that would have been adding to the fatigue. Nothing different to report in oncology. Manage to have a little sleep to waste some of the hours of just sitting here! Finish the latest Erica James book- it was very good, nice easy going story that managed to hold my attention. Now on to Melissa Hill. I am not one for intellectual reading, I like an easy book about real life, and obviously always with a happy ending! It drives my friends mad that I won't experiment with other genres but I like what I like!

My nail varnish has chipped already! Drives me mad it hasn’t even been on 24 hours yet. Chose turquoise glitter to help keep my spirits up this week. Sounds hideous but the glitter is only subtle!

During the last half an hour of chemo start to feel sick and have a hot flush. Feel like my face is burning but it is cool to touch. Vitals are checked and all is well so I just take an anti-nausea tablet. Bit disappointing that I am getting symptoms already.

Shaky and weak by the time I get home. Distract myself with TV and when Matt gets home I manage a walk around the block- this is more than I expected to manage with jelly legs! On our return I stir my juice ready to drink and both hands go into spasm. Really horrible and I can’t bend my fingers. Matt has to massage them to get them moving again. Also have to succumb to the tiredness and have a 30 minute snooze. Well I did do a walk, surely deserved!

Finish the evening with another walk- trying to be a goody two shoes! Manage half way round before I become dizzy so last part completed in the chair. Exhausted! Is 7.45 too early for bed?!

Back to work I go

Day 72- Saturday
Date night was lovely. Went for a Thai in Dubai Marina. Sat outside as the weather was so mild and had a stroll looking at the stalls afterwards. We both felt tired so back home by 10.45! The joys of getting old!

Went back to work today! Only had 2 patients so easing back in slowly! Really enjoyed it and a bit disappointed when it was all over. I remembered everything and I'm still a physio! Yay! Made me feel more positive and normal again.

Trying not to think about tomorrow. Keeping busy with some work, reading, chatting to friends back home,doing my nails and hair and trying to relax. Today I definitely feel better than I have done for the last 2 weeks. My body is strong enough to fight again, just need to get my mind in on the deal.

The player I have chosen to beat tomorrow is the Tottenham left winger Gareth Bale. Matt tells me he is the best left winger in the league at the moment so he is perfect. I know tomorrow is going to be a fight and so I may as well fight the best! Inspirational song to get me going…………
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYN_eVhzsNA&feature=related

Just found out that Tottenham played today so that will mean Bale is tired for tomorrow! This gives me a chance!

Date night

Day 71- Friday
The comedy was good again last night, however the third act was a bit near the mark. Here is the hilarious rap from the second act…..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35BiMGuoT7I
Find that I could laugh for the first 10 minutes that I felt too tired. Just had to smile instead! Not quite the same! By the time we leave I am not feeling good. I have a headache , I feel really cold and sick. Water doesn’t help, eating doesn’t help so just go to bed. I am so cold Matt has to wrap me up in the duvet and throw and I'm wearing his socks. Check my temperature because I am shivering and its 35, a bit low. Think I just did too much yesterday and eventually I fall asleep.

Wake early this morning. Feel really tired still but start to think about Sunday and can't get back to sleep. Make myself a 4 carrot, 4 apple and ginger juice- really nice and makes two glasses. Then I start to cry. Feel really sad this morning. Not sad because I have cancer but sad because I hate feeling like this. Think it is the fact I have to start my ginger tablets today and put on my ante-nausea patch. Dreading Sunday again and don’t know where I am going to find the strength from. Still feel rubbish so can't imagine what I am going to feel like by Sunday night. I'm also starting to get bad associations when I think of my chemo day. As soon as I think about walking into the hospital I start to feel nauseous and I can smell and taste all the chemicals. Somehow I need to stop this otherwise I am going to make my symptoms worse.

When mum wakes up she has been crying this morning as well. That starts me off again. I am worried I am going to cry with the medical team on Sunday. Can't seem to discuss how I feel without crying. Need to somehow stop this and get myself ready for the fight again. I think that maybe this cycle has been so bad because I wasn't expecting to feel this low physically or mentally. Hopefully now I will have more realistic expectations for future cycles, and although they will probably still be bad I will be expecting it.

Over Christmas Matt, Tom and I discussed chemo and Matt is always saying I wish I could have them for you. We were saying how good it would be if friends and family could take one chemo session each for me. I ask if Tom would take one and he says "he would but he wouldn’t want to take that away from my friends who may wish to do it more" as there are only 9 left! Can't believe it! My own brother trying to get out of having a chemo for me in the pretend world! I'm writing this now as last night my friend 'J' said "I wish I could do a chemo for you". Shows who your real friends are. That is a good thing to come out of this experience- you realize who the 'chips down' people are. Luckily I am surrounded by hundreds of 'chips down' people.

Off on date night tonight. Poor Matt gets me for only a few hours every other week! So tonight I am a wife not a cancer victim.

Juicy

Day 70-Thursday
Wake feeling a bit better today- yay! Forgot to mention the other day (too busy being fatigued and depressed!) that Dr Salti phoned to see how I was doing. Can you believe that? You are lucky if the consultant turns up for your follow up consultation and doesn’t just send his registrar in the UK, let alone phone you when you are practically discharged from him to make sure you are doing well with treatment! I love this guy! In fact I love everyone at the American Hospital who is looking after me! Could not ask or wish for a better medical team. I feel very lucky and very well cared for.

Off to see 'T' my hairdresser today. Deciding whether to continue to grow out my fringe or have it cut back in. It is at the annoying half way out point at the moment. I ask what Matt thinks but I don't think he can tell the difference! In fact he wants me to grow it long. For 29 of my nearly 32 years my hair has been bob length or shorter. The time I did have long hair, at Uni, I did like it but I have really sticky out ears so it looks fine when it is down but I look really ugly with it tied up. Also had a disaster with hair extensions when I was 21. I went from the Posh Spice short hair cut to black hair down to my waist in 3 hours! When my granddad saw me he said "well you look like a witch"! Everybody else told me I looked great. It wasn’t until 4 months later when the extensions were pulling out my hair and I had to have them removed that everyone confessed they looked horrible! Anyway, decide to continue growing out the fringe for now.

'T' agrees that my hair is thinning but because I had a lot to start with it is not really noticeable. I seem to have a small section at the front on the right hand side that is thinning the most. This is not good. I don't just want to end up with one weird bald patch!

Manage to do a food shop today as well. Carrefour is a struggle at the best of times so I feel proud of myself. Mum buys me a juicer as an early birthday present. Plan to have a carrot, apple and ginger juice every day. 'T' has recommended this and it is similar to what The Gerson Therapy suggests. Try 2 apples and 2 plums when I get home and it is delicious. However, it takes 2 minutes to make the juice, 7 minutes to clean the machine and then only 1 minute to drink the small glass of juice that was produced! Still I couldn’t have eaten 2 apples and 2 plums in this time!

We are off to the comedy again tonight as we all enjoyed it so much last time. Hope this will perk me up for the rest of the weekend. Sunday is looming………..

Becoming a physio again

Day 69- Wednesday
Slept better last night after my cry! Can't go back to sleep though after Matt leaves so get up to do some work. I am going into physio work today as well to try to arrange some patients for this Saturday- scary stuff. Decide I need to watch pilates with 'J' to get my brain back into physio mode.

I have my walk around the lake again. Aim to do it in a better time but then we see other dogs and have to detour so Malika doesn’t attack them! So end up being 30 minutes again but definitely faster today! I am so lucky to be able to have an early morning stroll with my sleeves rolled up, wearing 3/4 length pilates pants and flip flops in January! And have a beautiful lake with water features to look at! We also nose into every garden we walk past. Our garden is ruined by Malika. What used to be a nice patch of grass now looks like a Sunday league football pitch by the end of winter! So I am jealous of every garden we walk past!

Matt is getting loads of neck pain that is spreading down his arm. It is so bad tonight that I decide I have to try and help. Manage to wear myself out completely but an hour later he feels better and I get him cozy with a hot water bottle. His symptoms are being worsened by tight muscles caused by the stress of me. So looks like we both need to control our stress levels better and work on relaxation techniques together.

All I want to do is go shopping.

Day 68- Tuesday
Had a bit of a reality check last night. Found a really good website (http://www.chemocare.com/managing) that talks about chemo side effects. Has just the right balance of medical facts and practical advice. Decide to look up my current symptoms and I discover I have cancer related fatigue (real medical thing!).

Now doesn’t sound ground breaking but I didn’t fully understand fatigue. I thought fatigue was feeling tired and sleeping a lot, a bit like I was last week. In fact it is a lot more. It pretty much includes all my symptoms: weakness, lack of energy, unable to make decisions, feeling mentally and physically defeated, general malaise, stiff shoulders, weak legs, loss of attention and interest, tiredness not relieved by rest etc etc.

So it gives me a number of things I need to do to help myself that I am not currently doing.
1. Lower expectations and set new goals for the next 5-6 months: this I feel is going to be my biggest challenge. Because I have felt so good after the first two cycles I assumed that this will be what I am like every time. Now I know that is not the case and what I am currently feeling will be like what I feel on a good week. If not worse as fatigue is more or less definitely going to worsen. Kind of feel tricked by the first two sessions. I know I should be grateful that I felt good over Christmas but I just feel like my hopes had been raised and now they are dashed. Need to get my head around this but still secretly hoping this is just a bad month! Got to be realistic (I tell my patients this all the time!) and face up to the fact that my goals one day may only be to achieve a walk and a read of my book.
2. Prioritise daily tasks: here I am lucky that mum is doing all the boring jobs (!) so I only have to consider things I actually want to do. Although obviously a daily bath/shower needs to be top of this list. I hate bath times now. Once I have managed to wash with mum helping with my hair, put on cream, put bio-oil on the scar and cleaned my teeth I am absolutely exhausted- no exaggeration. I then have to lie down for half an hour to recover as I feel I have run a marathon. This is the worse time of the day and I dread it. Sometimes I consider being dirty just to rest for the day!
3. Exercise daily or at least every other day: I knew this already but just haven’t been able to face it. The idea of walking fills me with dread. My legs shake just walking down the stairs so being outside is like climbing a mountain. This point is vital though so I don’t get even weaker so is a non-negotiable point in the future. Today I got up and mum and I went straight out for a walk around the lake with Malika. Normally this would take me 15 minutes max but today it takes half an hour. But I do it! Have to rest for an hour when I get in though!
4. Have rest periods scheduled for the day: I haven’t been letting myself do this for the last few days as it seems like giving in but will try
5. Make yourself do attention requiring activities that require little physical exertion, like reading: normally I love reading and will go through books on a holiday. I also love reading magazines and will sit for hours with a cup of tea and a bar of chocolate reading cover to cover. Since chemo started I can't do this. I don’t have the interest or attention and just can’t be bothered. I know this is not healthy so I am definitely going to schedule in reading every day in my diary. I am normally a person who likes back ground noise. I will put the TV on and just have anything playing for the noise whilst I am doing other jobs. This normally drives Matt mad. Again since chemo I have wanted no noise in the house. I have just been sitting there staring into space. I knew this was bad but couldn’t be bothered with the noise. I can't spend 5 months acting like a zombie so again I am going to schedule in TV time. Mum is pleased about this as the silence is driving her mad!
6. Try relaxation techniques: not good at letting go and relaxing so this will benefit me big time and will be especially helpful when I wake at night.
7. Eat a protein rich diet: I actually haven’t really felt like eating much meat so I need to increase my protein intake.
8. Keep a daily diary to monitor your fatigue and see patterns: I love a list and a diary so this should be easy!

Feel slightly better that I now know what is wrong with me but depressed with the reality of it all. The next 5 months really is going to be a challenge and a boring one at that. My symptoms are getting me down though and it is so hard to explain them to anyone else. Unless you have suffered with chronic fatigue you really can't relate to how bad it is and how much it affects your daily life. Before this I had absolutely no idea. My day to day living is a massive struggle at the moment with every task seeming impossible. I don’t want to do anything because everything is so hard. I feel people think I am exaggerating or being dramatic because I look fine. I really, really don’t feel fine though. My arms typing this feel so weak and shaky that they are aching, holding my head up is a massive effort, there is a constant background nausea because I feel so tired and every time I change positions my legs shake with the effort and I feel slightly out of breath.

I know that I have to follow the plan above to give myself the best chance and stay positive and strong mentally but I don’t know how to do this. Everyone keeps telling me I am strong but I don't feel it. I think I just talk a good talk (being a physio will do that for you!). I have somehow got to come to terms with this massive downgrading of my life and change the whole way I normally live my life and deal with things in my life. I like to be busy. I like to do a hundred things at once. I like to store lists in my head for me and Matt. This is me and this is how I function best. None of these things I can do at the moment as I don’t have the physical or mental ability. How do you deal with that? How do you even allow that to happen? I suppose I have no choice and that is how and why I will deal with it and do it. No choice.
Appropriate song title for today……
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oGdH5B_HEI

Anxiety arrives

Day 67 – Monday
Had a bit of a bad evening, got extremely weak after dinner and had to just go and lie on the bed. Then I started to feel anxious and almost a bit like I was going to have a panic attack. I am normally a reasonable person who can rationalize mind over matter situations (apart from my irrational fear of flying which I have no control over!) but I can feel myself losing control and I feel like it's getting difficult to breathe. I try to talk myself out of it, there is nothing to worry about, my symptoms must just be due to my low red blood cell count. Sensible thinking does not seem to be working so I look up acupressure points to help anxiety. This is a good site I use when looking up acupuncture points for patients.
http://www.yinyanghouse.com/basics/arm_hand_acupressure_points
I try stimulating PC3 and HT7 for a couple of minutes and this seems to calm me. I need to get a grip as I don’t want to be taking an anti-anxiety medicine as well as all my anti-nausea meds.

Manage to relax enough to go to sleep and then at 3.30 I'm wide awake again. Try to lie still so I don’t disturb Matt but my mind is racing. Fall back to sleep after an hour or so. Unfortunately I wake this morning not feeling any better. Still really weak as though I don't have an ounce of energy. Getting really frustrated now. Haven’t left the estate for days.

Looking forward to Jamie Oliver's chicken pie tonight. Haven’t fancied much the last few days but this pie is good. Half way through cooking it the gas runs out. And the gas man can't deliver a new bottle until tomorrow- great. The pie has to go on hold and now we are left with nothing but soup for dinner. Decide what I really want is a milkshake and some form of Galaxy chocolate. So in a mad dash, as he is going to football training, Matt drops us off to pick up the goods! The real world is still happening I am pleased to note on the short journey. A Haagen Dazs vanilla and cookies and cream milkshake- perfect! And a selection of Galaxy chocolate- the large bars! Home to watch the new series of 'One born every minute', my favourite programme.

Shame I don't seem to be improving. Everything crossed for tomorrow.

side stepping back into life

Day 66- Sunday
Well there goes the last week! Slept for most of it and I mean 20 hours a day for 3 days straight! I was deep sleeping as well. I don't remember any dreams and I would wake feeling exhausted and like I hadn't slept for days. At least if I am asleep I am not feeling nauseous! My body is now so stiff from having slept so much. The portacath is aching from spending so much time lying on my right hand side. Then last night I couldn't sleep! Tossed and turned before getting up at 4am and skyping my sister! So today I still feel a little bit tired! I predict I am 60% back to normal.

Definitely getting harder as the cycles go on. After that first cycle I bounced back and now I am like side stepping into the day having a cautious look around! I can tell when is my worse day and when I am about to improve. On my worse day I am really low psychologically and I cry if I can muster the energy. I feel like I don’t want to fight and really fed up. I know this is tough on Matt but I can't help it. At that point I don't want to carry on. I don't feel like I have an ounce of energy and I can't see anything positive.

The day before I know I will be good I pick up psychologically. I get a rush of fighting spirit and think "bring it on". It doesn't last long but it's definitely there. On the last night before I know I will be feeling better my mind races. I start to think of all the things I am going to do for the week and this is the only time when I think about cancer directly. I have a few questions that I need to ask Dr K next time. I want to know that if it comes back will it start as a polyp or will it develop anywhere, does 30% reoccurrence mean in the first 5 years or over my lifetime and how long do I have to wait before we can start trying for children again. I read that you have to wait a year after the last chemo and this worries me. I am knocking on a bit, 32 in a month! And haven’t got time on my side.

So in the 4 hours a day I was awake mum bathed Malika- she now smells of coconut, I got wheeled in my chair around the block- slowly getting put in more clothes. Now my outfit includes: PJs, ski socks, gloves, thick cardigan, hat, dressing gown, blanket and a towel! And surprisingly I still feel cold. And mum has a night out with family friends. She is so excited she starts getting ready about 3 hours early. When the taxi arrives she runs out the door. She later confesses she sat in the taxi for 10 minutes outside as the taxi didn't know the hotel she was going to, but she didn’t want to come back in and ask us directions in case I changed my mind and wanted her to stay!

Matt has also developed Reiki healing powers! He can remove nausea and more recently fatigue! He does this to try and do something and we have a little laugh. But the other day he was 'removing' fatigue when he suddenly opened his eyes and looked startled. He said he could feel the fatigue spreading to his own fingers! Maybe we are on to something, willing to try anything!

Felt like listening to the Jersey Boys soundtrack today. This is my favourite song from the show, great show by the way if you like this kind of music…..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2RVJB08pMk&feature=related

Yummy mummy 'K' comes round with little 'E'. We play on the i-pad and it's amazing how quickly kids pick things up. We have a little dance and this is the most I have done for over a week.

Get weaker and weaker as the day goes on and we are unable to leave the house AGAIN. Very disappointing as I thought this was the start of a good day. About to have a curry take away- this will either give me the energy I require or I will spend the rest of the night on the toilet. Watch this space…………………………….!

There goes the weekend.

Day 65 – Saturday
Same as yesterday but with less tears, less diarrhea and less nausea! Fingers crossed for tomorrow, going stir crazy, could definitely do with leaving the house.

Enough's enough.

Day 64 – Friday
Same as yesterday but with some tears and some diarrhea.

Fatigue o'clock

Day 63 – Thursday
Not a good day today. Lots of fatigue, lots of nausea, spots have returned.

Snoozey...

Day 62 – Wednesday
Matt writing for me today. Wake after 12 hours sleep feeling nauseas. Think it could be a combination of things including knowing today and tomorrow are my worst days normally and the fact we are getting a taxi to the hospital is playing on my mind in case I am sick. Decide to take my anti-sickness meds closer to every 4 hours.

Manage to wash my own hair though mum has to dry it. Dandruff at the front has returned. Muscle twitching has been much less today although as Matt is typing now I have an annoying twitch in my right hand. Managed to avoid all things cold so my neuropathy has been good too.

Oncology department is busy with nurse 'N' having broken her arm, see doctor 'K' in the lift, he tells me he has read my blog this morning. He agrees that anxiety around crazy taxi drivers is adding to my nausea. However the taxi driver on the way back was really sweet an after explaining I was ill he told me the taxi was my car for the next 30 minutes and I could dictate speed and temperature. We make it home without me being sick.

My fatigue levels are high and after lunch I sleep for an hour and a half until Matt gets home. Matt has learnt the beginning of one of my favourite Elvis songs on the piano so this will be my song for the day… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4A3-BFC5XPI&feature=related

day of not much...

Day 61- Tuesday
After our snooze (yes Matt joins me for my chemo snoozes!) we can't get to sleep when we go to bed. Think it is about midnight when we finally get to sleep and then we are up at 1.45 for my anti-nausea meds! So when Matt gets up to go to school I stay in bed for another 3 hours! Only wake up because I hear mum putting on the washing machine!

Don't feel too bad this morning. My hands are still shaking and I feel tired despite the lie in. nausea seems to be better controlled again though which is the main thing. Had a few muscle twitches and sneezed 4 times this morning already!

Matt and I discuss my energy levels on my good weeks and we both agree I have far more energy than I have had for probably a year. This is really positive and I am hoping that by June/July when I have fully recovered from chemo I will be like a new person!

The neuropathy is worse this cycle. My fingers went numb last night when I was putting toner on my face as it was cold on the cotton pad. So now mum and Matt are in charge of my face routine- weird someone else doing your face for you!

As I have done absolutely nothing today except send a few emails and watch TOWIE Christmas special, today's song is just an old school fave that reminds me of my two best friends. There have been many a good night dancing to this! We have a crazy energetic dance for this song…………..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgzGwKwLmgM&ob=av2e

Van Persie

Day 60- Monday
Wake at 6.30 to take Matt to school before chemo. Tom and Holly's taxi phoned me at midnight last night to say it had arrived! I was so confused I thought he was calling from England! Found it difficult to get back to sleep properly after that. Arrive early for chemo. Only minimum pain with needle insertion into port today. Whilst we are waiting for the bloods to come back we head down to the restaurant for a cooked breakfast! I should not be eating this as I have put on 2kg over Christmas! So it looks like I am already struggling with resolutions 2, 3 and 5!

We bump into nurse 'C' and it is good to catch up with her. She is moving to a different hospital soon so I wanted to say goodbye.

Everyone is in good new year spirits in oncology. The Doctor I called when I had diarrhea checks that I am now OK. He says that he phoned Dr Khan to tell him I had called and Dr Khan said "I have just read her blog and she seems to be OK now"! So the blog is also a useful way for my medical team to know how I am doing without speaking to them!

Watch the start of Country Strong on my new DVD player. Get distracted my mum being nosy about what is happening to the woman next door to me.
Mum gets me a water and as I take a sip my throat goes tight. Yep mum has given me the forbidden cold water! Feels like I can't swallow and have something stuck in my throat. Glad I only took a small sip! Great God knows how long this will last now!

7 wees today! Start to feel shaky even before the chemo has finished. Starts with weak legs and now spread to my arms. Hoping I will be ok to drive home!
Stop off at work on my way home. Good to see some of the team and makes me realize how much I have missed work. So glad to be starting back on a very part time basis. Sounds like I will be busy too.

Starting to feel worse now. Really weak- hard to walk to the toilet. Hands are finding it hard to type. Time to relax and go with it now.

Resolutions

Day 59- 1st January
Happy New Year! Had a good night last night. Even managed to dance for half an hour before my weak legs turned to jelly! Felt sad at midnight and had a little cry before going to bed. Bit rubbish starting the year with cancer. Got a horrible 5 months ahead of me and it is hard to feel excited about a new year starting when really I can't start my new year until June. I cry because I don't want cancer and I have the "it's not fair" feelings. But…… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIj-6fr2SlI

Time to write my new year's resolution. They are normally the same every year: eat less, go to gym more!
1) Beat cancer!
2) Eat a healthy diet with minimum red meat and high fibre
3) Maintain my weight under 8 1/2 stone
4) During my good non-chemo week- do the cross trainer for 15 minutes 3 times, do arm weights 3 times and do pilates matt work 3 times
5) Only eat one bar of chocolate a day!
6) Learn some more Arabic words
7) Have more fun!- play more wii, go to more comedy nights and more dinner parties with friends
8) Continue to raise money for Beating bowel cancer

Tom, Holly & Pedro go home tonight. Will be sad to see them go. Really enjoyed having them here and pleased I have felt so good whilst they are here. May not see them again now until the summer. We have a competitive family game of wii bowling. I lose, annoyingly.

Head out for a Haagen dazs. Last cold bit of food for the next week. Also eat a load of chocolate today so I get on the cross trainer for 10 minutes. Fitness wise I felt OK and could have done more but my legs go to wobbly jelly! Have definitely put on weight over the Christmas period and not looking forward to the scales tomorrow!

I bought some Neutrogena oil free moisturizer (as recommended by colleague 'D') to use with my camel soap and it has already helped clear up some of my skin. Most of the spots have been on my neck and jaw line which is a random place I have never had spots before. Holly got told by her dentist that spots in this area can be related to mouth ulcers and inflamed gums- both of which are side effects of my chemo. Looking it up, stress can also cause spots in this area as well as spots in the eyebrows. I have had some spots in the eyebrows too. So definitely chemo and stress causing my skin problems.

My hair is definitely thinning too. Didn't notice after the first session but coming out in handfuls when I wash my hair since last session. Feels really thin now when I run my fingers through it. Bit depressing as I have nice hair. Luckily I had quite a lot of hair to start with so hopefully won't go bald.

Have to choose my chemo player to beat for tomorrow. I am going for Van Persie. May be a tough fight! So here we go again……………