Blue Saturday

Day 163- Saturday

Don't sleep very well. Keep dreaming that I can't get to sleep and end up thinking about liver surgery. This then never helps me get to sleep. Wake feeling a bit depressed and lie in bed thinking about my future. Feeling a bit sorry for myself and as a result just don't feel so good in myself. Just think I hope I am not going through all this just to get bad news in the end. Have a little cry. It's weird how waves of sadness come over me. I think it's as I am approaching the end of chemo it is making me think that it may not be the end of treatment, like initially hoped. Feel the usual sad, frustrated and angry. Deceived and cheated by my body that was just slowly letting me die without too many symptoms. Need to buck myself up and get on with my day.

Feel like I am cheating people who think I am inspirational and being positive. Don't feel very inspirational, just feel like a negative nancy! I am just doing what I have to do to get through the day, tick another day off the calendar, waiting for my life to start again. Written like that, doesn't sound very inspirational does it!

Head to the beach for an Up and Running staff day out. Good to catch up with everyone and Matt does some surfing. It starts off cloudy but the sun soon comes out. Before I know it I am burnt! Time to go home and have a snooze!

Grand national horse race in UK today so we choose our horses for my brother to bet on. I choose Hello Bud (for my baby!), Chicago Grey (for the American Hospital) and then my outsider is Tharawaat (as it sounds like an Arabic word!). Keeping my fingers crossed. Doesn't work as I don't win! Horrible race to watch and a few horses die.

 Finish the weekend with a lovely shepherd's pie and The Voice. Up early tomorrow as Buddy is going in to be castrated!