Day 19-Tuesday
Weighed myself again this morning as worried the ferrero roches may be leaving their mark! Lost another 2kg. Weigh just 7 1/2 stone now-I haven't been that weight since before my thyroid diagnosis. Feel slightly proud that I am now a skinny minnie (!) but also slightly concerned that I'm not absorbing all this food I am eating because I'm pooing so much! Mum thinks she is maybe gaining the weight for me!
Had a bad night last night. Had my first big proper cry. Had a few issues that suddenly crept up on me.
1. " I don't want to die" and if I'm going to die I don't want to die in the pain I was in before. This is the first time death has come into the equation and I blame it on the internet reading. I also looked up my staging last night and I'm IIIC- i.e. just about to spread to other organs. I'm suddenly really scared of dying. I feel anxious and panicky. I'm too young to die.
2. "why me?" start to feel angry that this is happening to me. Not that I wish it on anyone else but I have always been healthy and looked after myself. Doesn’t feel fair. I'm generally a good person and my job involves helping others so why do I deserve this.
3. "my life is never going to be the same again". I will forever have cancer hanging over me. Every time I get diarrhea, feel sick I'm going to panic it is the cancer returning. What a horrible way to have to live the rest of your life. How do you live with that anxiety? Again I feel intense anger that my life has changed.
Don't really know how to deal with these feelings. I know they need to come out and be dealt with. I know the potential damage bad feelings kept inside can cause. I don't feel like being rational and looking at the facts of my case. I feel like I could cry forever and then scream and shout and cry again. I have so much anger, hatred and disgust for this cancer. How dare it do this to me. In fact I have 'red rage'! Best friend 'C' had 'red rage' once at school and it saw her win a fight against a bully! My 'red rage' can hopefully be channeled into helping me beat cancer! So all together now…………http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fg3vzl_VwLc
Need to try and get it all out of my system before chemo. I want to go into chemo with nothing but positivity. I know chemo is going to be a crap time but I can't help waiting with excitement for the medicine that is going to kill more of these horrible cancer cells. Chemo is my friend!
Head out to buy a Christmas tree. I love decorating the tree and want to have it all up before the chemo starts. Also buy myself a 'nazar' ring to ward of the evil eye- anything to help the cause!
Dad emailed the designs for my sashes and caps. They look good! They will be being sent to you all so please wear them for any events you do! Also, Beating Bowel Cancer emailed me and everyone taking part in a fundraising event on my behalf is entitled to a free t-shirt or running vest!
My just giving account has only been open for a day and I already have 265 pounds in donation and sponsorship money! Thanks everyone! I have listed the names of friends who are joining Matt in the Dubai 10km so please continue to support them.
Mum wants to start a whole range of mushroom cards and books- think mum's head is in the clouds with this stardom business! She is coming up with these ideas whilst using my cross trainer. I saved my budget for 4 months to buy this machine and only managed to use it once before I got ill! Typical! Mum has hurt her calf though, so now I have both of them moaning with injuries! Really, do they both need reminding that right now it's all about me!
Cast allocation- Best friend 'C'- Mena Suvari and her husband 'A'- Simon Pegg. Now for those of you that don't know this couple, you must be thinking "what the hell? How has he managed that one?" He is, however, gorgeous and the only person who can keep 'C' well and truly in her place!
Bright nail varnish is driving me mad. Chips really easily and I have had to top it up 3 times in the last 24hours! Don't know if I can be bothered to be this high maintenance! Wound hasn't leaked today and managed to put on my own jeans! Things are looking up!
Laura next time you venture onto the internet remember to read the good stories e.g. all the people that are years and years into remission that had stage 4 and 5 and that over 90% of bowel cancer patients are cured. Why would you be in the 10% when you look after yourself so well and have such a great outlook?
ReplyDeleteYou WILL do this, not you CAN do this.
Thinking about you everyday - you have the energy of so many people behind you.
xxx
Have just caught up on your blog, Laura. I love it.
ReplyDeleteWhat you said about you being kept awake at night thinking 'what on earth have I done to deserve this?' and also looking at pics just before you were diagnosed are 2 things my bro said he did lots when he was diagnosed with testicular cancer. Those things bothered him a lot and it took up a lot of his thinking time, which is completely understandable. He has now come to terms with the fact that cancer is completely random. It is absolutely nothing you have done. You could not have prevented it or changed it. It's just really awful luck but nothing more. And you in the pics are the lovely you you've always been. Don't you let those abormal cells ruin happy memories. Lots of love xxx