Back to the ER

Day 14-Thursday
Feel better after a good night's sleep. We left mum at the golf club to have a much deserved glass of wine with dad. She came home drunk!

Woken this morning with a weepy scar. Looks gross! I suppose now the staples are no longer holding things tightly together, as I move in the night it stretches on the tissue. Not that I'm moving much in the night still! Can just about manage to roll onto my right side (after 10 minutes of shuffling!) but can't lie on my left for some reason. I say to Matt that I could probably sleep back in the bed with him tonight, as he hasn’t got work tomorrow, but he doesn’t seem that keen! Now why would you not want your wife with her weeping wound, temperamental tummy and fidgeting in the bed with you!!

So, yesterday….I met Dr W the fertility specialist. He is again unsure of the risk of my type of chemo on fertility but he is keen to do something to try to protect my ovaries. We talk about IVM which would be his first choice. This can't be done in Dubai so would need to go to UK or Canada. Not really an option when I am not going to be earning for 6 months! IVM sounds amazing though. They don't need to give you medication to mature your follicles. They just remove them at any stage and then mature them for you. Isn’t science amazing! He recommends that I have follicle stimulating injections for the next 2 weeks and then he will harvest my eggs. The harvesting would be done under a light general anaesthetic. He wants me to discuss this with my oncologist (sounds weird that I have oncologist- a sentence you don’t expect to ever have to say) and Matt.

I leave feeling stressed. Fertility is really something I do not need to be thinking of on top of everything else at this moment. Kinda feel like I want to bury my head in the sand. Do I put myself through extra stress and hassle for the next 2 weeks, plus another anaesthetic, to protect (or just potentially protect) my future children? Or do I just concentrate on myself? Will I regret not going through the procedure if I find out in a year that I'm infertile? Too many questions. He confirms the diagnosis of polycystic ovaries but it appears it is both ovaries. So the right one woke up and decided to join its friend!

Have lunch at a Lebanese restaurant. We order enough food for 6 and I am not even eating full sized portions yet. Well, I'm too full of ferrero roches! Randomly, to start they give us a basket of salad. Correction- salad components! The basket contains 2 whole baby gem lettuces, a whole green pepper, a lemon, bunch of mint and bunch of spinach! Very strange and we are not sure if this is a joke! Food is lovely and mum and dad love the hammour (local white fish).

People are staring at me in the wheelchair. You do not often see wheelchairs in public places in Dubai and you can see people checking you out. They start at your legs and slowly move up before giving you a sympathetic smile. They seem confused as the only thing that appears to be wrong with me is my horrendous 80's style bouffant bob that mum has given me today!

Now over to the American hospital. Dr Salti was a bundle of energetic positive joy and he always makes me smile. He involves you in your care and it feels like you make decisions together. He also gets me an immediate meeting with Dr K . Continues to surprise me how good the care is here. Everyone working together to make you the priority. Think it will be difficult to be treated anywhere else in the world after this experience.

Matt arrives in time to meet the oncology team. We have a quick discussion about the fertility options. I can see that he is not keen for the treatment. He wants me to have a restful 2 weeks preparing my body for chemo. Difficult because I am really in two minds.

The oncology department is empty. Their day should be over but they have stayed to meet me. My oncology nurse is great. Straight talking, very knowledgeable and from up north. It always nice to hear a British accent! She also reassures me that they will be monitoring any developing neuropathy very closely. She has a very positive determined spirit about her and I feel she is going to be just the lady to help me through this.

My initial thoughts of Dr K were correct. He has a strong calming influence about him that immediately puts you at ease. He supports his comments with research based evidence and this is how I work. Perfect. We have a long discussion about the stimulation of my ovaries. Dr K is concerned that there is an increased risk of renal thrombosis with stimulation and harvesting which would be adding to the risks of portacath placement. We spend 30 minutes discussing this but comments of "In Canada we would not advise you to harvest eggs", "I would tend to agree with your husband" and finally a more definite " my advice would be not to stimulate your ovaries" it is decided that we will not go ahead with any fertility treatment. It appears that the risk of infertility post chemo is lower than the risks of undergoing the fertility treatment on top of portacath surgery and whilst still recovering from major abdominal surgery. Decision made, and it was kind of taken out of my hands at the end. Always easier that way!

So for those of you who like details and looking things up on the internet, this is my chemo regime! FOLFOX- made up of Fluorouracil (5 FU), folinic acid (Leucovorin) and oxaliplatin.. I will receive all 3 when in clinic and then will be sent home with fluorouracil infusing for a further 46 hours. This will be done every 2 weeks.

As well as the side effects I have already discussed I will obviously be at an increased risk of infection. A temperature of over 38 degrees could become life threatening. So nobody with any germs is allowed to visit (Matt is insisting on hand sanitiser at the door) and we need to buy a decent thermometer!

So how do I feel? My life is mapped out for the next 6 months by drugs, blood tests and a likely rollercoaster of symptoms. Still don’t feel like crying but not as cheery as before. Easy to see why people suffer with depression when having chemo. However, I am not a depressive person and I refuse to allow myself to slip down that slope. I am temporarily allowed to feel sorry for myself but that’s it!

Dad is coming around early today to make me pancakes for breakfast. Pancakes are a family tradition on my dad's side. They are the best in the world and no one can know the secret measure of ingredients!

To perk us all up we are going shopping today, in the wheelchair. Mum is obsessed by the Dubai fountains and dad hasn’t seen the new Dubai. Spend the afternoon being spoilt! Mum and dad are stocking me up on home furnishings! Also get a thermometer and a baby's toothbrush as apparently I won't be able to brush my teeth with anything else due to bleeding sore gums.

During shopping I notice my wound is weeping and bleeding. Start to panic. Haven’t really done much- just sitting in the chair. Phone the ward and they advise I come back to ER for a check. So exactly 2 weeks later (minus 5 hours!) Matt and I are back where my story started! As we are called through the nurse says " I recognise you, you were the lady in the side room. How are you?" "Not too good" I reply. "Since I last saw you, I have had major surgery, been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and now my wound is bleeding". 'Oh" she exclaims looking horrified- don't think she was expecting that answer!

My wound is cleaned and dressed and Dr Salti is phoned. He is not concerned and I'm sent on my way. Panic over. I was starting to think I had internal bleeding as my blood pressure was only 89/65!

Now time to get home for my visitors. 'R' and her husband 'J' come round first. 'R' is a school friend from England and definitely a reason why I agreed to come to Dubai. We have been friends for 15 years and only had one argument! It was over a netball match and we didn't speak for 2 weeks, not a single word! The real test came when I stayed with her in Brighton whilst a student. My drink was spiked and I proceeded to take off all my clothes, walk around her flat naked and I was only able to talk by naming parts of the body!

They bring a lovely bag of goodies that Malika attacks at the door and breaks! It is 'J's birthday this weekend and I found him a great card today with 2 mushrooms on the front (OBVIOUSLY)! Thinking I may only send mushroom related cards in the future!

Neighbour 'E' and her husband 'M' arrive next. They were our dog walking friends until Malika attacked both of their dogs! It is great to see everyone and I feel very supported.

Malika is back to her old ways tonight. Barking at Matt whenever he comes near me! Maybe she can sense the weeping wound and is trying to protect me. Interestingly she doesn’t react when dad comes near me so she can obviously sense he is family.

Tonight should have been our English themed house party. Oh well, will save that for a later date. Maybe in January when it may rain to add to the authenticity!

Tonight's actor allocation- Bob Hoskins to play dad!