Home Sweet Home

Home
The car journey is difficult. Never been more scared about being hit and my seat belt going tight. Very weird that Dubai is just as I left it. Mum is excited as she hasn't been to our lovely new villa yet.

Nice to be home. I slowly show mum around and so pleased I have no problem with the stairs. I do however have my first look in a full length mirror. Bloody hell! Not a pretty sight! Hunched over as hurts too much to stand upright. Skin spotty due to lack of my miracle camel face soap in hospital (for anyone with any skin issues try camel milk soap- it is amazing. Can recommend a good website to order from to!). Black shadows under my eyes from lack of eye cream and sleep (I have been religiously applying eye cream since the age of 21 and it appears all that good work can be undone with just 9 nights of bad care! typical!). bruises all over thighs from blood thinning injections. Sticky tape marks all over stomach and both arms. 3 grey hairs on the right side of my hair line- right at the front- no missing them. Black heads all over my nose from NG tube tape. Bushy eyebrows and definitely beginnings of a moustache- well at least its Movember! I have also gone down at least a cup size in the last 10 days of starvation diet. So over all pretty gorgeous!

But the most important thing. The scar. Let's look at it medically first- no blood, no pus, no redness or signs of infection – good. Cosmetically- I have to admit not too bad. I can see the surgeon has taken care and maybe with some bio-oil I can get away with this. Overall very pleased. Not pleased however, with the weird shape of my abdomen. Now I know it's swollen but it looks like I have swallowed an alien (again!). Random lumps and bumps! Oh well that should all settle in next few weeks and maybe flatten down again.

We have encountered a problem. Our sofa and both beds are too low for me to get onto. Don't fancy sitting at the table all night so Matt needs to fashion a device. He is very good at this! On our holiday to Maldives, where he proposed, we decided to pay extra for a romantic meal on the beach. Big mistake. It was soo cold and soo windy that he 'fashioned a device' out of napkins, breadbasket and candles to protect us from the cold. It didn't really work but we have some hilarious pictures!

Propped on most of our sofa cushions I relax with the internet. Decide to email my work colleagues to let them all know what is going on. I feel I want and need people to know the details because I am going to need all the support I can get. However, writing this email and seeing it in black and white I suddenly want to cry. Suddenly all those emotions come to the surface and I'm sad and angry this is happening to me. Doesn’t last long- 5 seconds maybe, as it is too painful for my tummy to cry! Oh well hold those thoughts until I have healed better! After 5 minutes I have slipped down and have to be hauled back up again. This is a two person job and happens every 5-10 minutes for the rest of the evening.

Mum is on full housemaid duties whilst being here so I have put in my food requests. My mum is not a good cook. We have always eaten well- meat/fish with veg/salad but everything is a little plain! I have had disturbing phone calls in the past from my siblings saying mum is making a chicken casserole out of Dolmio sauce! But tonight I feel just like basic home cooked food. We decide shepherd's pie is a good start as it's nice and mushy for me (still scared to eat whole food!). But what can we do? We don't have a shepherd's pie sachet! I tell mum to be brave and we can do it without the processed chemical flavours! After all I plan to be eating very well and healthily over the next 6 months. So armed with garlic, stock, tinned tomatoes and Worchester sauce dinner is started. Dinner was lovely and as a treat we had the best ever rocky road brownies from Spinneys.

Decided I will sleep with mum as Matt needs to get up for work and I still need help getting up in the night. Nice to have cuddly back!

Can't sleep. Start thinking why I have got cancer. I eat well (90% of the time), drink minimally (since trying to conceive anyway, before all my friends comment on me being a liar!), I don't smoke, I have never taken drugs (OBVIOUSLY!) and I am relatively fit. Well at school I was an athlete and then for the last 13 years I have gone from gym bunny to lazy arse hundreds of times! I don't take the good advice I give my patients and I definitely don't do all the good exercises I give my patients but overall I would say I'm healthy.

Day 10- Sunday
Wake up at 6am so I am awake to say goodbye to Matt. I think he is anxious he may get upset at work if people show him kindness. And kindness is definitely what the staff at CAS will show. Matt has lovely, supportive colleagues who have welcomed me into their fold.

The crazy dog is back from kennels today. Have missed her and looking forward to seeing her but worried she is going to be wild around me. The plan is mum will let her in and calm her down before she is brought in to see me.

Speak to one of best friends in the UK. Nice to hear her voice and I realize it is hard for my friends to be so far away. At the moment everyone seems to be more emotional than I am.

Have an extra worry today, my dad is flying to Dubai tomorrow morning. I haven’t spoken to or seen my dad since I arrived in Dubai last September. I won't go into the ins and outs but I have a lot of stored emotions around him. Has crossed my mind that maybe if I had resolved these inner emotions of anger, hatred, disrespect and hurt 2 years ago I may not have cancer today. I remember during my human biology degree learning about the links of stress and cancer. I don't know how I'm going to feel or act or what my plan is. The one thing I do know is that if I am going to beat cancer my body must be filled only with positive thoughts. All bad emotions have to be resolved or forgotten, some how.

Malika is home and she doesn’t disappoint! I can hear the chaos down stairs as she arrives! When she is brought up she acts differently with me. Is she pissed off to have been left in kennels for so long or does she understand I need space to heal?

My brother skypes today. We discuss his future colonscopy and then true to form he tells me about his other ailments! My brother is a little precious! He has 'sensitive' skin (ALL labels in the back of clothes have to be removed before wearing!) and tends to worry about his body. He and his girlfriend both think he is perfect and he likes things to stay that way! After reassuring him his 'dead arm' from a football tackle is nothing more than bruised muscle, he is happy to continue with his day!

Matt comes home from school and I am very emotional to discover his colleagues have made a collection for me. They would like me to spend the money on something nice, a manicure or facial. Overwhelmed by this gesture. What kind people there are in this world.

Matt and I have some alone time to discuss some of his concerns. He has written a list. That is a sentence I never thought I would write. When I first met Matt, organization was not a strong point! In fact I often say I don't know how he used to survive without me. We joke that he saved me from living in London (loved living with my best friend but was just becoming disillusioned with the city) and I saved him from himself!

I also have to ruin a surprise my brother in law and I have been working on. Matt is 30 next April (yep always one for the toyboys!) and we were planning for friends and family to come over for a surprise visit. We were both very happy with the way these plans were coming along. Friends that should have been coming this year had come up with their 'excuses' so they could come in April instead. Would have been the perfect surprise! I would really like to still make Matt's 30th special so if any of you would like to save up and come to Dubai in April please please do so.

Dinner- chicken casserole with no Dolmio in sight! Very tasty!

Day 11-Monday
Up at 3am with pain. Just can't get comfortable. Unable to roll onto my side so upper back and my heels (randomly!) are feeling sore. Might as well get up! Manage to shower myself today but still need help drying legs and putting on knickers- can't bend to reach down! Now which pair of PJs to wear today!

Decide that as won't be working for so long I am going to treat myself to some bright nail varnish. Have to have clear short nails for work so I intend to fully exploit this new found freedom! Just need to be able to leave the house to buy the varnish! Oh well, that will have to wait a few more days!

Dad arrives. Don't feel upset which is what I was expecting. Strangely it feels like I saw him last month. I suppose that's the thing with families.

Start to panic as by lunch time I have not done a poo or farted! Sorry for all this talk of poo but if colon cancer is going to become more recognised we all need to rejoice in our bowel activity. From now on, poo is always going to be on my agenda! But we must not forget that with me the pain and spasm in my abdomen were my early signs. My abdomen used to contort itself into terrible shapes when I was experiencing the pain. Poor Matt, I was forever saying "quick feel this spasm"! So, as well as discussing poo we should also be asking… "does my colon look big in this?"!!!

Have to give mum some house rules today. The air con is on with doors open and she seems to forget we live in a dessert with the amount of water she is using! I think she has done about 8 machine washes in the last 24 hours and she is throwing buckets of water on our patio to clean away the sand! Explain the sand will just come back and she needs to be sweeping it not watering it! God knows how much our water bill is going to be with her living here!

Pain continues today. Just really uncomfortable along the right side. I suppose that is the problem when codeine is not allowed in the country where you live and you are surviving on panadol extra!

Still need help up off the sofa but I can finally turn on/off light switches. With my tummy muscles cut I have not been able to stabilize my core enough to press those switches! At least I am supporting all the medical evidence out there that your transverses abdominus muscle is so vital for all activities! I feel this is a story my patients will be hearing for the rest of my working days!

Manage to skype my sister in Portugal today. She is in a dodgy internet café that sounds like she is sitting on a rail way track! Can barely hear her but good to see her face. We joke about the actresses we would want to play us if 'Did a mushroom save my life?!' becomes a Hollywood movie! Mum is dead set on the gorgeous Meg Ryan playing her until Holly points out that mum looks about 100 at the moment so maybe someone older, like Helen Mirren, may be more suited! Mum's poor face! Well I can't stop laughing, and laughing kills my tummy. It all gets out of control, I'm crying with pain and skype has to be turned off. Can't wait to heal so I can laugh and cry like normal.

Have now done 2 poos so panic over! I was warned they may be diarrhea for this first week but the second try definitely looks like a poo! Yay! Maybe all the ferrero rocher I am eating! Been a favourite since childhood and I feel I deserve a treat!

I have been thinking of hobbies I can take up whilst off work. My best friend from home has come up with a plan. Apparently quite niche but props are needed so I can't be told yet! Very intrigued. Please let me know of any ideas you may have. Remember I will be wearing gloves so no painting or knitting!

Liam Neeson has been my entertainer for the last 2 evenings. Love him as an actor and it is agreed by all in my house that he is the man you need in times of a crisis!

Day 12- Tuesday
Have finally caught up and today is actually today! So from now on just daily updates! God you guys are going to be sick and tired of me by June. My friends always moan that I'm terrible at keeping in touch so this will show them! They will be begging for some peace!

Want to add that I am overwhelmed by the comments and support I am getting for this blog. Keep using the word 'overwhelmed' and have just tried checking the thesaurus for an alternative to mix it up a bit, but no other words seem to cover it. I feel so supported and loved, as does Matt, and I can never begin to express in words how wonderful that feels. So thank you all .

It is a well known fact that I love the sound of my own voice so I can't believe I haven’t discovered blogging before now! At my parent's 25th wedding anniversary we had karaoke and I would not give the mic up! Same thing happened at our engagement party, oh and at my Hen party! Have a terrible voice but love to sing! Come to think of it I also like a speech- birthdays, anniversaries, funerals! I'm very versatile actually! And always available for hire!

Getting left alone for the first time today! Now I can get up from the sofa and walk on my own I am granted an hour of quiet whilst my parents go to the supermarket. Only problem is I still can't wipe by bum so let's hope I don't need a poo whilst they are gone! That would be just my luck -stuck sitting on the toilet for an hour! I have friends and colleagues that live locally who have said "anything you need, just ask". Does bum wiping count?!!!

Look at colon cancer on the internet for the first time today. Not keen to read personal stories yet incase they describe pit falls and set backs that I don't want to think about. Stick to good old Cancer Research Uk. When a student in London, I was once accosted by a skinny runt of a boy in Leicester Square on a rainy day who was working for Cancer research. To get out of the rain and on with my day I signed up for 3 pounds a month donation. I continued to pay until I left the UK last year. I sound like a cheapskate now but at the time this seemed sufficient! Not that I was a poor student! My friends joke I was the richest student on campus and one of the few who left not with debt and student loans but with money in the bank! The perks of working for the family business where your grandmother was in charge of the petty cash! Cancer Research Uk was my chosen charity and boy am I pleased with that.

Have a phone call from the fertility clinic in Dubai. Lovely Dr K has arranged for me to meet with their top guy tomorrow to discuss embryo harvesting further. I cannot believe the care and attention I am receiving from all my doctors. They are going above and beyond to look after me and protect my future.

Have had my first home visitor today so best PJs chosen! Just noticed they have a hole in the leg though! That's what you get when you buy Primark specials! You can't expect them to be worn more than once! 'J' came to see how I am doing armed with ice-cream! Cookies and cream my fav! Need to be careful with all these calories as I'm already on ferrero rocher number 5 and its only 3.30pm!

'J' recommends hiring a wheelchair so I can be taken out for walks. Send Matt to pick it up on the way home. Cheaper to buy so now I own a wheelchair! Poor mum, pushing me around is not going to be good for the old arthritic hands!

My brother skypes again. Can I have a look at the bite on his knee- he is a little worried about it!!!!!

'Smiley knee' comes for a visit. She is a patient who has become a friend. She makes me laugh for the whole of our physic sessions with her swearing and frank talking! She also wants me to mention how hard she works! She always brightens up my day with her 'fame-esque' clothing! Laughing is still not allowed- could be a problem!

Just enjoyed a lamb roast with sparking grape juice as my champagne! The first roast my father has ever cooked me- tasted delicious!

Staples out tomorrow. Feeling nervous.