Angel

Day 23- Saturday
Matt plays tennis this morning and mum goes food shopping so I'm home alone! Decide to have a shower, which I'm not allowed to do in case I slip! Half way through the shower I realize my razor is missing. Great now I can't shave and am going to have hairy legs and armpits! So this now limits what I can wear today- jeans and long sleeves then!

Mum comes back and she has managed to overspend again. This was her last chance so now supermarket shopping is being taken off her. 8 pounds for strawberries! Because she chose the strawberries from USA- only 14 hours plus plane ride away!

Meeting 'R' & 'J' and 'J' & 'K' for lunch in the mall. Decide on a restaurant we haven’t been to before that overlooks the ski slopes. Our decision is made by which vouchers we have- Matt isn't completely lavish yet! Feels nice and Christmassy looking at the (fake) snow. Have a lovely lunch that 'K' kindly treats us to and 'J' asks lots of questions! "Does it feel like you have a hole in your stomach?" and actually yes it really does. Especially when I'm trying to sit up. We begin to plan things for next June when hopefully all my treatment is over.

We pop into Home Centre to buy a spare duvet. We get distracted by the pile of cuddly toys. Now, I already have Eeyore and cuddly (previously mentioned when writing my possessions list!) that I cannot sleep without. I am a lover of all things soft. I'm the type of person who can't walk past soft things without touching and usually rubbing against my face! We decided I deserve a nice soft new chemo cuddly- for the days I am fatigued and feeling sorry for myself. After a long discussion we decide on a big pink soft dog that can double as a pillow! I name him 'ginger' as hopefully he can help me when I'm feeling sick!

So the new me is going to be someone who doesn’t put things off for no reason . I'm going to do things that make me happy with the people I love. I am very lucky to have Matt and I probably take him for granted sometimes. In him I have someone who loves me unconditionally, respects me, supports me and makes me laugh. I love him with all my heart and today's song is for him. Love you baby! Our first dance…….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gr-Ff8us0Hg

Weeping starts again tonight- more pumping out than weeping actually! Slightly concerned there may be an infection even though I'm still on the antibiotics. Part of me would be happy if there was an infection as then the portacath surgery couldn’t go ahead! Know it is not something that can be avoided though and whatever happens, infection or no infection, that day will come! Every time I think about that catheter being put into a vein going into my heart I freak out. And there is an issue of the 3.5cm scar on the right side of my chest! Fed up with all these scars.

Just watched Hachiko- the most depressing film in the whole world! The box said "a true story of faith, devotion and undying love", more like "a true story of loss, death and misery". Don't ever watch it if you like a happy ending.

Weekend over :(