Day 27-Wednesday
Matt was stressed last night. My brother in law was in a London hospital, actually the first place I ever worked, having a wire removed from his knee. We were waiting to hear that he was awake and everything was ok. He had a bit of a nightmare after the first op. I won't go into the embarrassing details (!) but let's just say morphine had the opposite effect on him compared to me! Matt has forgotten what the NHS is like- Doctors don't phone you to tell you the surgery is over, they don't have a bed for you if it wasn’t planned that you were staying overnight and visitors are only allowed at visiting times! We are spoilt over here.
Anyway panic over- he is fine. That's if you consider the fact they couldn't remove all the wire and they are having to drain his knee fine! Unfortunately this is what can happen when a good spinal surgeon operates on your knee! The main thing is there are good physios at that hospital and 'S' is there to cuddle him through his recovery!
Mum and I spend a few hours working on my new job. We have now given ourselves headaches trying to find the right words! Going to rope the whole family into this. My brother in law better watch out as I have a press release to write and considering this is his job and he has a week off work after the surgery, he may be getting a call! One thing is for sure, I will be an expert on D+ size lingerie by the end of this! Shame I no longer fit into that category myself!
Matt's friend 'BBB' is coming to stay for the weekend for the Dubai rugby 7s. He is working in Saudi so desperate for a drink! Matt is really excited and I think it will give him some much needed distraction. There are a few things planned including a boy's night out on Thursday. Mum and I have been invited to dinner with them at Barasti at 6.30 (!) and then we have to leave! Matt loves Barasti- laid back venue on the beach where you can wear shorts and get Magners! I think they are planning Wild Wadi, a water park, and ski Dubai tomorrow! Just as well I can't go to Wild Wadi as I seem to injure myself every time! There is a new ride that is like a plug hole and I managed to hit my nose on my knee the first time and got whiplash the second time! Dangerous!
Wound has re-opened today. I have tried to patch it up with some steri-strips but a little flow of yellow continues! Just as well it's not poo though! Yep, that's right, poo coming out of your wound! Nurse 'C' told us that sometimes after the surgery I had they leave part of the wound open so 'free floating' poo can pass out! So glad they didn’t do that with me! Talking of poo I seem to be a little constipated today- not ideal. Have managed just 3 'rabbit' poos! Sorry for this detail but in my poo obsessed state this is a concern! Which brings me on to today's song………………………..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-OIgXyvzUU
Portacath site still sore and very itchy! Hope this is a sign of healing. Can move my right arm out to the side a little but not across my body. Therefore mum had to wash my left armpit for me today in the bath!
Film tonight was 'Trusted' with Clive Owen. Really good film, disturbing but good. Amazing acting from the teenage girl. Definitely one to watch.
Today's dietary fact- new research shows a diet high in fibre from cereals and wholegrain can reduce your chances of developing bowel cancer by up to 20%. So everyone should be having 3 servings of this type of fibre a day- lots of brown bread, rice and whole grain cereals. And yes, Tom cheerios count! Need to get going with this as today I have had a slice of white bread and white pasta! Oh well, everything starts from Sunday!
Scars-2, chipped nails-7, exercise- short walk, roasted corn kernels- handfuls!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Goodbye red meat
Day 26- Tuesday
Have had a terrible night's sleep. Portacath site really aching if I move my arm, back stiff from lying flat all night and major wind! Must be the medications as haven’t had wind since I was last in hospital. So today I can barely use my right arm- this will be a challenge as I am terrible with my left. Well I at least I have paracetamol to help me out!!!
On a positive the tummy scar is looking really dry today. Hopefully it has been frightened into healing by Dr Salti's threat of cutting it open if it keeps weeping! Come on wound, you can do it!
I have taken a step back in terms of independence. Without my right arm, mum had to wash my hair for me and help me put deodorant on! I did however manage to pluck my eyebrows with my left hand- amazing, can't sign my name with my left hand but can control tweezers! Having to wear a loose summer dress today with the right strap down. Just as well I live in a hot country!
Speak to my uncle 'D'. He has kindly offered to donate 1500 pounds from his company, London Concrete, to Beating Bowel Cancer, instead of sending out Christmas cards to clients. This is a great donation and a great way to save trees also!
Have my first business meeting with yummy mummy 'K'. Takes a while to find a pen that works for me to take! Well I have to be as professional as possible as I certainly don't look professional. One strap of my dress down, stooped posture, bandage on my chest, no make-up and wild hair (opted against 80's bouffant today, went for the natural dry look instead)!
We discuss what I need to do and timelines. Very excited about the challenge but concerned I may be rubbish and no help at all! I did do a marketing module as part of my human biology degree (!) so somewhere I have the answers! However that was back in 1999 before facebook and twitter! Anyway I will give it my best shot and see how we go. As long as the fatigue doesn’t hit me too hard, I have plenty of time to try and produce something. I also managed to walk to and from my meeting, with supervision (!) so that's my exercise for the day done!
So in celebration of my new job…………………….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8H5wW7UpnO4&feature=related
Watched 'The Help' this evening. Great film and I highly recommend it. Think I'm going to be watching lots of films in the next 6 months so I will keep you posted!
Read today that there is a real link between colon cancer and red meat. Worked out that I was probably eating approximately 40 ounces of red meat a week- according to recent research this would have increased my chances of developing colon cancer by about 30%. So from now on red meat is not allowed, well only in small amounts and definitely non-processed. So my plan is to stop the bacon I eat every morning (!) and to eat mainly chicken, turkey and fish. Steak can be a treat once a month! So Matt is going to have to learn new dishes- no more chilli or meatballs on his nights of cooking!
So today's lesson……. Everyone ensure they are not eating more than 500g of red meat a week. Look after your colons, look after your lives.
Have had a terrible night's sleep. Portacath site really aching if I move my arm, back stiff from lying flat all night and major wind! Must be the medications as haven’t had wind since I was last in hospital. So today I can barely use my right arm- this will be a challenge as I am terrible with my left. Well I at least I have paracetamol to help me out!!!
On a positive the tummy scar is looking really dry today. Hopefully it has been frightened into healing by Dr Salti's threat of cutting it open if it keeps weeping! Come on wound, you can do it!
I have taken a step back in terms of independence. Without my right arm, mum had to wash my hair for me and help me put deodorant on! I did however manage to pluck my eyebrows with my left hand- amazing, can't sign my name with my left hand but can control tweezers! Having to wear a loose summer dress today with the right strap down. Just as well I live in a hot country!
Speak to my uncle 'D'. He has kindly offered to donate 1500 pounds from his company, London Concrete, to Beating Bowel Cancer, instead of sending out Christmas cards to clients. This is a great donation and a great way to save trees also!
Have my first business meeting with yummy mummy 'K'. Takes a while to find a pen that works for me to take! Well I have to be as professional as possible as I certainly don't look professional. One strap of my dress down, stooped posture, bandage on my chest, no make-up and wild hair (opted against 80's bouffant today, went for the natural dry look instead)!
We discuss what I need to do and timelines. Very excited about the challenge but concerned I may be rubbish and no help at all! I did do a marketing module as part of my human biology degree (!) so somewhere I have the answers! However that was back in 1999 before facebook and twitter! Anyway I will give it my best shot and see how we go. As long as the fatigue doesn’t hit me too hard, I have plenty of time to try and produce something. I also managed to walk to and from my meeting, with supervision (!) so that's my exercise for the day done!
So in celebration of my new job…………………….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8H5wW7UpnO4&feature=related
Watched 'The Help' this evening. Great film and I highly recommend it. Think I'm going to be watching lots of films in the next 6 months so I will keep you posted!
Read today that there is a real link between colon cancer and red meat. Worked out that I was probably eating approximately 40 ounces of red meat a week- according to recent research this would have increased my chances of developing colon cancer by about 30%. So from now on red meat is not allowed, well only in small amounts and definitely non-processed. So my plan is to stop the bacon I eat every morning (!) and to eat mainly chicken, turkey and fish. Steak can be a treat once a month! So Matt is going to have to learn new dishes- no more chilli or meatballs on his nights of cooking!
So today's lesson……. Everyone ensure they are not eating more than 500g of red meat a week. Look after your colons, look after your lives.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Portacath
Day 25- Monday
So I'm up at 5.20 eating toast and drinking green tea. I am a massive fan of green tea. However it appears the antioxidant effect did not work on me! Malika is sitting by the bed drawling for the toast but he eyes are shutting as it's so early! Manage to go back to sleep for a few hours.
Get some lovely texts of best wishes this morning. Keeps me positive.
Matt is allowed home from school to take me to the hospital. Very considerate of Matt's Principal. He comes home and asks if I want a cup of tea-"no darling I'm nil by mouth!"
So I arrive at American hospital and get admitted to the maternity ward! Slightly a cruel twist of fate! This is the ward I would love to be on but I'm here to have surgery to make my chemo administration easier- the same chemo that may lead to me being infertile! This is not the right ward for me! Plus side, there is a comfortable rocking chair in this room!
We settle down to watch 'X Factor'. Matt asks me if I would like a water!?!?!?! And then proceeds to eat Pringles in front of me. I am starving and that smell is not helping!
The anaesthetist comes to meet me. An English chap from Oxford. I tell him about my terrible experience last time and he agrees to avoid a general anaesthetic and other drugs that may make me ill. He admits that the cocktail of drugs I had before- the anaesthetic, the morphine and anti-sickness medication can give you a 'locked in' sensation. Exactly what I had- not in my head but a real medical side effect! He also comments on my crap veins! My 6th cannula in 25 days is inserted!
We see the lovely nurse 'C' in surgery and she says she will try to get me up on the surgical ward after the procedure.
So down I go. Get positioned with my arms tied to my side and my head has to stay rotated to the left. My face is covered by a sheet with an oxygen mask on. Sedation in. Feel sleepy but I'm not asleep like I was for the colonoscopy. I can feel pressure and pulling under my right collar bone. At one stage it starts to hurt so I call out. The next minute I feel the cold medicine coming into my cannula and the pain stops. Feels like it lasts 10 minutes but by the time they take the sheet off my head 30 minutes has passed. See my other surgical nurse 'C' in recovery. Love seeing familiar faces! Dr Salti checks my wound. He mentions cutting the final part to release the fluid next week in clinic- that does not sound like something I want to happen!
Dr Salti lets mum and Matt know I am ok. He shakes mum's hand 3 times. Nurse 'C' tells us he has read my blog and therefore he knows mum fancies him! Hilarious none of us had thought of this!
Get taken to a surgical room. Nurse 'C' is looking after me. I apparently tell her about my blog and the Australian lady we met in CT last week. I can't remember any of this and after a few hours sleep I repeat the stories again! So now I have to stay a few more hours as I am only now being 'normal'!
It's now 5 hours post procedure and it is just starting to feel a little tender. Hurts if I lift my arm above my head or reach across my body. Oh well to be expected! Covered with a little bandage so can't see but the anaesthetist thinks I had dissolvable internal stitches and steri-strips. Please don't say I had normal stitches that will need to be taken out! We all know what will happen then!
So glad this is all over. Feel like a weight has been lifted. May feel depressed in a day or two when the bandage comes off and I see the scar and potentially the lump of the portacath. But for now I feel cheery.
Back home and good to be eating dinner! Also work my way through some quality street! Weighed myself today and have lost a further 0.4kg so still allowed chocolate at this stage!
Early night tonight-looking forward to a good night's sleep. Only problem is that I have to lie flat again for a few nights!
Cast allocation- thinking I may have Ginnifer Goodwin to play me. Any other suggestions?
So I'm up at 5.20 eating toast and drinking green tea. I am a massive fan of green tea. However it appears the antioxidant effect did not work on me! Malika is sitting by the bed drawling for the toast but he eyes are shutting as it's so early! Manage to go back to sleep for a few hours.
Get some lovely texts of best wishes this morning. Keeps me positive.
Matt is allowed home from school to take me to the hospital. Very considerate of Matt's Principal. He comes home and asks if I want a cup of tea-"no darling I'm nil by mouth!"
So I arrive at American hospital and get admitted to the maternity ward! Slightly a cruel twist of fate! This is the ward I would love to be on but I'm here to have surgery to make my chemo administration easier- the same chemo that may lead to me being infertile! This is not the right ward for me! Plus side, there is a comfortable rocking chair in this room!
We settle down to watch 'X Factor'. Matt asks me if I would like a water!?!?!?! And then proceeds to eat Pringles in front of me. I am starving and that smell is not helping!
The anaesthetist comes to meet me. An English chap from Oxford. I tell him about my terrible experience last time and he agrees to avoid a general anaesthetic and other drugs that may make me ill. He admits that the cocktail of drugs I had before- the anaesthetic, the morphine and anti-sickness medication can give you a 'locked in' sensation. Exactly what I had- not in my head but a real medical side effect! He also comments on my crap veins! My 6th cannula in 25 days is inserted!
We see the lovely nurse 'C' in surgery and she says she will try to get me up on the surgical ward after the procedure.
So down I go. Get positioned with my arms tied to my side and my head has to stay rotated to the left. My face is covered by a sheet with an oxygen mask on. Sedation in. Feel sleepy but I'm not asleep like I was for the colonoscopy. I can feel pressure and pulling under my right collar bone. At one stage it starts to hurt so I call out. The next minute I feel the cold medicine coming into my cannula and the pain stops. Feels like it lasts 10 minutes but by the time they take the sheet off my head 30 minutes has passed. See my other surgical nurse 'C' in recovery. Love seeing familiar faces! Dr Salti checks my wound. He mentions cutting the final part to release the fluid next week in clinic- that does not sound like something I want to happen!
Dr Salti lets mum and Matt know I am ok. He shakes mum's hand 3 times. Nurse 'C' tells us he has read my blog and therefore he knows mum fancies him! Hilarious none of us had thought of this!
Get taken to a surgical room. Nurse 'C' is looking after me. I apparently tell her about my blog and the Australian lady we met in CT last week. I can't remember any of this and after a few hours sleep I repeat the stories again! So now I have to stay a few more hours as I am only now being 'normal'!
It's now 5 hours post procedure and it is just starting to feel a little tender. Hurts if I lift my arm above my head or reach across my body. Oh well to be expected! Covered with a little bandage so can't see but the anaesthetist thinks I had dissolvable internal stitches and steri-strips. Please don't say I had normal stitches that will need to be taken out! We all know what will happen then!
So glad this is all over. Feel like a weight has been lifted. May feel depressed in a day or two when the bandage comes off and I see the scar and potentially the lump of the portacath. But for now I feel cheery.
Back home and good to be eating dinner! Also work my way through some quality street! Weighed myself today and have lost a further 0.4kg so still allowed chocolate at this stage!
Early night tonight-looking forward to a good night's sleep. Only problem is that I have to lie flat again for a few nights!
Cast allocation- thinking I may have Ginnifer Goodwin to play me. Any other suggestions?
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Meeting baby 'A'
Day 24-Sunday
Up early today to meet a special little boy 'A'. I have known him in his mummy's tummy (Yummy Mummy 'J') since he was about 20 weeks but have yet to meet him now he is nearly 5 months old. He doesn’t disappoint- totally adorable with the biggest brown eyes. Yummy mummy 'J' makes us a lovely lunch, pudding and all, and we order up cappuccino and hot chocolate from a coffee shop in her building! Only in Dubai! Mum loves the apartment as you can see the Burj Khalifa and the fountains from the lounge balcony. Get some thoughtful presents and baby 'A' seems to like the noisy toy I got him!
Did some more Christmas shopping today- well mum did! I treated myself to a pair of shorts for the rugby 7s next weekend. They have a lovely belt with a bow- I am obsessed by bows! In fact most of my shoes have bows on them! Haven’t been able to wear shorts for years with my fat legs so now taking full advantage of the weight loss!
Feeling very anxious about tomorrow. Trying to put it out of my mind but keeps creeping back in and making me have a nervous feeling in my tummy. When I need to relax I listen to……….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyhc4fscbsw&feature=related
Surgery isn't happening until 1pm but I have to be 'nil by mouth' from 6am. Thinking I will get up at 5am, have breakfast, and then go back to bed, otherwise I will be starving by about 10!
Go for a walk around the block. Have to admit I haven’t done this the last two nights even though I said I would! Sorry 'S'! I manage fine, all be it slow! Go past the crazy house with all the birds and loud music- poor neighbours!
Cast allocation- my sister's boyfriend 'P' to be played by Jesse Metcalfe. Needs to work on his Brazilian accent though!
Chocolate- half a double choc chip cookie and 2 pecan and caramel bites, current scars- 1, spots-about 6, poos-3, anxiety levels- sky high!
Up early today to meet a special little boy 'A'. I have known him in his mummy's tummy (Yummy Mummy 'J') since he was about 20 weeks but have yet to meet him now he is nearly 5 months old. He doesn’t disappoint- totally adorable with the biggest brown eyes. Yummy mummy 'J' makes us a lovely lunch, pudding and all, and we order up cappuccino and hot chocolate from a coffee shop in her building! Only in Dubai! Mum loves the apartment as you can see the Burj Khalifa and the fountains from the lounge balcony. Get some thoughtful presents and baby 'A' seems to like the noisy toy I got him!
Did some more Christmas shopping today- well mum did! I treated myself to a pair of shorts for the rugby 7s next weekend. They have a lovely belt with a bow- I am obsessed by bows! In fact most of my shoes have bows on them! Haven’t been able to wear shorts for years with my fat legs so now taking full advantage of the weight loss!
Feeling very anxious about tomorrow. Trying to put it out of my mind but keeps creeping back in and making me have a nervous feeling in my tummy. When I need to relax I listen to……….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyhc4fscbsw&feature=related
Surgery isn't happening until 1pm but I have to be 'nil by mouth' from 6am. Thinking I will get up at 5am, have breakfast, and then go back to bed, otherwise I will be starving by about 10!
Go for a walk around the block. Have to admit I haven’t done this the last two nights even though I said I would! Sorry 'S'! I manage fine, all be it slow! Go past the crazy house with all the birds and loud music- poor neighbours!
Cast allocation- my sister's boyfriend 'P' to be played by Jesse Metcalfe. Needs to work on his Brazilian accent though!
Chocolate- half a double choc chip cookie and 2 pecan and caramel bites, current scars- 1, spots-about 6, poos-3, anxiety levels- sky high!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Angel
Day 23- Saturday
Matt plays tennis this morning and mum goes food shopping so I'm home alone! Decide to have a shower, which I'm not allowed to do in case I slip! Half way through the shower I realize my razor is missing. Great now I can't shave and am going to have hairy legs and armpits! So this now limits what I can wear today- jeans and long sleeves then!
Mum comes back and she has managed to overspend again. This was her last chance so now supermarket shopping is being taken off her. 8 pounds for strawberries! Because she chose the strawberries from USA- only 14 hours plus plane ride away!
Meeting 'R' & 'J' and 'J' & 'K' for lunch in the mall. Decide on a restaurant we haven’t been to before that overlooks the ski slopes. Our decision is made by which vouchers we have- Matt isn't completely lavish yet! Feels nice and Christmassy looking at the (fake) snow. Have a lovely lunch that 'K' kindly treats us to and 'J' asks lots of questions! "Does it feel like you have a hole in your stomach?" and actually yes it really does. Especially when I'm trying to sit up. We begin to plan things for next June when hopefully all my treatment is over.
We pop into Home Centre to buy a spare duvet. We get distracted by the pile of cuddly toys. Now, I already have Eeyore and cuddly (previously mentioned when writing my possessions list!) that I cannot sleep without. I am a lover of all things soft. I'm the type of person who can't walk past soft things without touching and usually rubbing against my face! We decided I deserve a nice soft new chemo cuddly- for the days I am fatigued and feeling sorry for myself. After a long discussion we decide on a big pink soft dog that can double as a pillow! I name him 'ginger' as hopefully he can help me when I'm feeling sick!
So the new me is going to be someone who doesn’t put things off for no reason . I'm going to do things that make me happy with the people I love. I am very lucky to have Matt and I probably take him for granted sometimes. In him I have someone who loves me unconditionally, respects me, supports me and makes me laugh. I love him with all my heart and today's song is for him. Love you baby! Our first dance…….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gr-Ff8us0Hg
Weeping starts again tonight- more pumping out than weeping actually! Slightly concerned there may be an infection even though I'm still on the antibiotics. Part of me would be happy if there was an infection as then the portacath surgery couldn’t go ahead! Know it is not something that can be avoided though and whatever happens, infection or no infection, that day will come! Every time I think about that catheter being put into a vein going into my heart I freak out. And there is an issue of the 3.5cm scar on the right side of my chest! Fed up with all these scars.
Just watched Hachiko- the most depressing film in the whole world! The box said "a true story of faith, devotion and undying love", more like "a true story of loss, death and misery". Don't ever watch it if you like a happy ending.
Weekend over :(
Matt plays tennis this morning and mum goes food shopping so I'm home alone! Decide to have a shower, which I'm not allowed to do in case I slip! Half way through the shower I realize my razor is missing. Great now I can't shave and am going to have hairy legs and armpits! So this now limits what I can wear today- jeans and long sleeves then!
Mum comes back and she has managed to overspend again. This was her last chance so now supermarket shopping is being taken off her. 8 pounds for strawberries! Because she chose the strawberries from USA- only 14 hours plus plane ride away!
Meeting 'R' & 'J' and 'J' & 'K' for lunch in the mall. Decide on a restaurant we haven’t been to before that overlooks the ski slopes. Our decision is made by which vouchers we have- Matt isn't completely lavish yet! Feels nice and Christmassy looking at the (fake) snow. Have a lovely lunch that 'K' kindly treats us to and 'J' asks lots of questions! "Does it feel like you have a hole in your stomach?" and actually yes it really does. Especially when I'm trying to sit up. We begin to plan things for next June when hopefully all my treatment is over.
We pop into Home Centre to buy a spare duvet. We get distracted by the pile of cuddly toys. Now, I already have Eeyore and cuddly (previously mentioned when writing my possessions list!) that I cannot sleep without. I am a lover of all things soft. I'm the type of person who can't walk past soft things without touching and usually rubbing against my face! We decided I deserve a nice soft new chemo cuddly- for the days I am fatigued and feeling sorry for myself. After a long discussion we decide on a big pink soft dog that can double as a pillow! I name him 'ginger' as hopefully he can help me when I'm feeling sick!
So the new me is going to be someone who doesn’t put things off for no reason . I'm going to do things that make me happy with the people I love. I am very lucky to have Matt and I probably take him for granted sometimes. In him I have someone who loves me unconditionally, respects me, supports me and makes me laugh. I love him with all my heart and today's song is for him. Love you baby! Our first dance…….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gr-Ff8us0Hg
Weeping starts again tonight- more pumping out than weeping actually! Slightly concerned there may be an infection even though I'm still on the antibiotics. Part of me would be happy if there was an infection as then the portacath surgery couldn’t go ahead! Know it is not something that can be avoided though and whatever happens, infection or no infection, that day will come! Every time I think about that catheter being put into a vein going into my heart I freak out. And there is an issue of the 3.5cm scar on the right side of my chest! Fed up with all these scars.
Just watched Hachiko- the most depressing film in the whole world! The box said "a true story of faith, devotion and undying love", more like "a true story of loss, death and misery". Don't ever watch it if you like a happy ending.
Weekend over :(
Friday, November 25, 2011
Christmas tree
Day 22-Friday
Had a really good sleep last night- managed a whole 9 hours and in the marital bed! Woken by Malika barking at a bird on the balcony! Very annoying as once I got up she had taken herself back to bed and was snoozing again! Although very naughtily she was on the bed with her nanny which is not allowed! She is a sneaky face!
Standing taller this morning- probably after all the nagging last night! I can even stand flat against a wall- well almost, my chin is still sticking forward a bit! I do this a few times, thinking in my head "I'll show them!" when the wound starts to weep again. And from a different place this time. SEE, I told everyone there was a good reason to be hunched over! Anyway will continue to practice today.
I have also decided that as of today I'm going to go for a short walk every day. This is due to work colleague 'S' giving me a talking to! She has a point though- need to get my now flabby arse moving! 'S' bought me a lovely Lancome gift set, which I have used this morning, with anti-stress mosturising cream so hopefully will start to look my age again soon!
Colleague 'D' pops round with flowers- lovely English roses! And we have a good catch up. I love 'D' she has been a great colleague and an even better friend. She also brings with her a bag of gorgeous mushroom themed goodies from my dear patient Latifa. So I am now the proud owner of a Braccialini mushroom handbag, belt, purse and two keyrings! Thank you my lovely for your very thoughtful gifts. Latifa also gives me a DVD about the Gerson therapy- going to watch later.
Today is a very exciting day…..putting up the tree! I LOVE Christmas! I become an excited 5 year old every year! Family tradition is putting up the tree with a nice glass of wine and Christmas songs playing- so this is what we are doing! My first glass of wine since ER admission and god does it taste nice! Does it matter that it is only 4pm?! Hope you all agree the tree looks lovely. It should do anyway as I have spent over 150 pounds on decorations!!! Couldn't tell Matt at the time as he would have killed me but now the new "let's spend all our money" Matt doesn’t care! To get you all in the Christmas spirit ………http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPuRA1rZuTA
Speak to an old school friend 'A' in Australia. We have a good chat and it's nice to hear she is settling in. 'M' and 'E' pop in again to see how I'm doing. Trying to organize nights out around my chemo dates!
Have Indian take away for dinner. I only have a small portion in case it upsets my tummy. But then finish by eating 7 Quality Street chocolates! And I have already had 3 Ferrero Roches today!!! I am a Christmas pig and there is still 4 weeks to go! Finish the evening watching 'Love actually', well you always have to watch a Christmas film on the day you put up the tree!
Have a lovely email from my brother in law's girlfriend 'S'. Makes me think about things. Amazing how quickly your life can change. Makes you appreciate what you have more . Life is too short to hold grudges or bad feeling. Live each day to the full and surround yourself with people you love. If you are not happy, change things, don't wait for life to change around you.
Had a really good sleep last night- managed a whole 9 hours and in the marital bed! Woken by Malika barking at a bird on the balcony! Very annoying as once I got up she had taken herself back to bed and was snoozing again! Although very naughtily she was on the bed with her nanny which is not allowed! She is a sneaky face!
Standing taller this morning- probably after all the nagging last night! I can even stand flat against a wall- well almost, my chin is still sticking forward a bit! I do this a few times, thinking in my head "I'll show them!" when the wound starts to weep again. And from a different place this time. SEE, I told everyone there was a good reason to be hunched over! Anyway will continue to practice today.
I have also decided that as of today I'm going to go for a short walk every day. This is due to work colleague 'S' giving me a talking to! She has a point though- need to get my now flabby arse moving! 'S' bought me a lovely Lancome gift set, which I have used this morning, with anti-stress mosturising cream so hopefully will start to look my age again soon!
Colleague 'D' pops round with flowers- lovely English roses! And we have a good catch up. I love 'D' she has been a great colleague and an even better friend. She also brings with her a bag of gorgeous mushroom themed goodies from my dear patient Latifa. So I am now the proud owner of a Braccialini mushroom handbag, belt, purse and two keyrings! Thank you my lovely for your very thoughtful gifts. Latifa also gives me a DVD about the Gerson therapy- going to watch later.
Today is a very exciting day…..putting up the tree! I LOVE Christmas! I become an excited 5 year old every year! Family tradition is putting up the tree with a nice glass of wine and Christmas songs playing- so this is what we are doing! My first glass of wine since ER admission and god does it taste nice! Does it matter that it is only 4pm?! Hope you all agree the tree looks lovely. It should do anyway as I have spent over 150 pounds on decorations!!! Couldn't tell Matt at the time as he would have killed me but now the new "let's spend all our money" Matt doesn’t care! To get you all in the Christmas spirit ………http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPuRA1rZuTA
Speak to an old school friend 'A' in Australia. We have a good chat and it's nice to hear she is settling in. 'M' and 'E' pop in again to see how I'm doing. Trying to organize nights out around my chemo dates!
Have Indian take away for dinner. I only have a small portion in case it upsets my tummy. But then finish by eating 7 Quality Street chocolates! And I have already had 3 Ferrero Roches today!!! I am a Christmas pig and there is still 4 weeks to go! Finish the evening watching 'Love actually', well you always have to watch a Christmas film on the day you put up the tree!
Have a lovely email from my brother in law's girlfriend 'S'. Makes me think about things. Amazing how quickly your life can change. Makes you appreciate what you have more . Life is too short to hold grudges or bad feeling. Live each day to the full and surround yourself with people you love. If you are not happy, change things, don't wait for life to change around you.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Farewell Party
Day 21- Thursday
Yay nearly the weekend! Not that I have any concept of what day it is (have to look at the previous blog entry to know what day I'm on!) but Matt is now around for 2 days! Mum is having the weekend off. She is panicking about Christmas shopping. Normally she starts in September so this disruption has really thrown her! Don't know what I am going to do. Mum got her Christmas present and 'thank you' present from us this week- a new watch. She wanted it early so she is already wearing! Everyone else may just be getting money! Or a lovely cap or sash!!!
Happy Thanksgiving to all our American Friends! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xg0k0Tq-bN0
Meant to be snoozing today as slept badly last night and I have an evening out planned, 'T's leaving do! But I have watched 4 Masterchef The Professionals in a row instead! And written my Christmas cards in case I don't feel up to it once chemo starts. And painted nails pink, and wrapped two baby presents- so much to do!
Today's obsession is with my CEA levels-carcinoembryonic antigen. Raised CEA can sometimes be seen in colon cancer. My CEA levels pre-op were 5.8 (normal is below 2.5) and they have been tested post-op. I read that CEA levels typically return to normal within four to six weeks after successful surgical resection and they can also be used to assess the response to chemotherapy. When I see Dr Salti on Monday for my day surgery, I need to remember to ask him my post-op levels.
Matt and I have to go and get our ID cards today. A perk of being a woman in Dubai is that we have our own room in government buildings. So I get wheeled in and seen quickly and then Matt gets jumped up 85 places (!) as "my wife is very sick"! A perk of cancer! The lady who serves me is straight to the point- "sit on chair"- just as well I have cancer and don't have a disability involving my legs! Matt however, has the opposite experience. He is served by a young chap who wants to chat (and show pictures!) of the Chelsea boots he is trying to buy online from the UK! Whilst I am waiting for Matt I watch the security man hanging 'National Day' decorations- only in Dubai! No risk of crime so he can be getting on with other, more important, jobs!
We get dressed up and head over to my boss's house for 'T's leaving do. Really lovely to see everyone and catch up with everyone's news. Everyone was telling me I look well, the lighting was good (!), and that I need to stand up straight! I know that, I'm trying, but keep imagining the wound bursting open! I suppose when I work with a bunch of medical professionals I'm always going to be nagged about my poor posture and lack of exercise! They take the micky about my very early Christmas cards and then as I'm leaving I hear them all laughing about the morphine story! Not funny! Scariest moment of my life!
Cast allocation- the lovely 'J' is to be Courtney Cox. Both beautiful and 'J' shares my 'Monica-ish ' tendencies!
Yay nearly the weekend! Not that I have any concept of what day it is (have to look at the previous blog entry to know what day I'm on!) but Matt is now around for 2 days! Mum is having the weekend off. She is panicking about Christmas shopping. Normally she starts in September so this disruption has really thrown her! Don't know what I am going to do. Mum got her Christmas present and 'thank you' present from us this week- a new watch. She wanted it early so she is already wearing! Everyone else may just be getting money! Or a lovely cap or sash!!!
Happy Thanksgiving to all our American Friends! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xg0k0Tq-bN0
Meant to be snoozing today as slept badly last night and I have an evening out planned, 'T's leaving do! But I have watched 4 Masterchef The Professionals in a row instead! And written my Christmas cards in case I don't feel up to it once chemo starts. And painted nails pink, and wrapped two baby presents- so much to do!
Today's obsession is with my CEA levels-carcinoembryonic antigen. Raised CEA can sometimes be seen in colon cancer. My CEA levels pre-op were 5.8 (normal is below 2.5) and they have been tested post-op. I read that CEA levels typically return to normal within four to six weeks after successful surgical resection and they can also be used to assess the response to chemotherapy. When I see Dr Salti on Monday for my day surgery, I need to remember to ask him my post-op levels.
Matt and I have to go and get our ID cards today. A perk of being a woman in Dubai is that we have our own room in government buildings. So I get wheeled in and seen quickly and then Matt gets jumped up 85 places (!) as "my wife is very sick"! A perk of cancer! The lady who serves me is straight to the point- "sit on chair"- just as well I have cancer and don't have a disability involving my legs! Matt however, has the opposite experience. He is served by a young chap who wants to chat (and show pictures!) of the Chelsea boots he is trying to buy online from the UK! Whilst I am waiting for Matt I watch the security man hanging 'National Day' decorations- only in Dubai! No risk of crime so he can be getting on with other, more important, jobs!
We get dressed up and head over to my boss's house for 'T's leaving do. Really lovely to see everyone and catch up with everyone's news. Everyone was telling me I look well, the lighting was good (!), and that I need to stand up straight! I know that, I'm trying, but keep imagining the wound bursting open! I suppose when I work with a bunch of medical professionals I'm always going to be nagged about my poor posture and lack of exercise! They take the micky about my very early Christmas cards and then as I'm leaving I hear them all laughing about the morphine story! Not funny! Scariest moment of my life!
Cast allocation- the lovely 'J' is to be Courtney Cox. Both beautiful and 'J' shares my 'Monica-ish ' tendencies!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
New 'do'
Day 20- Wednesday
Wake this morning with a face of spots! Don't you just love it when a face mask does that! That's why I should use nothing but camel soap!
Spent 2 hours replying to emails! Having cancer, writing a blog and trying to fundraise is a full time job! God knows how I will ever have time for patients again!
Recruits for the 10km and 3km are coming in fast. Mum has decided she is going to do the 3km even if she has to walk it! This will be hilarious so I will make sure I take lots of photos for everyone back home!
Seems many of you were concerned over the 'big cry' and your positive wishes have spurred me on. So sing along……….. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1odvp-_bhk&feature=related
Mum and I have our hair cut today. Mum has gone shorter and more flicky and I have gone more dramatic! I'm now shorter at the back but long at the front (think Cheryl Cole!!) and I love it! Just as well I know 'T' our hairdresser because the hair cut took it out of me and had to lie down and rest on her couch after! God, you can't take me anywhere at the moment!
Talking of hair, I pulled out 6 grey hairs from one small patch today! Going to dye my hair next week before chemo starts and then not again for 6 months. Could be completely grey by that stage, unless the chemo does me a favour and only the grey hairs fall out! Unlikely!
Dad sets up skype today so I talk to him from his office. Well I talk to the side of his head as he didn’t quite get the right idea about positioning the camera!
My brother has signed up for a 5km run for the day I start chemo. Only catch is he has to dress up as santa! Somebody please go along and take a picture for me! I have decided on Ryan Gosling for Tom although he would rather be Will Smith!
Yummy mummy K takes me out for a walk in my wheelchair along with baby 'E' and their cute dog. Lovely to get some fresh air and we have a nice chat. Also shows me how great it would be to have a normal dog!
Matt comes back from his training run and is allowed a bath! For the last 6 months, since trying for a baby, Matt has not been allowed a bath, to wear tight boxers or drink much! All of these things have gone out of the window for the next few months so he is delighted!
Poos- 2, wound weeping- quite a lot, swelling- large, attractiveness- 5/10 (and that's only for the non-grey hair)!
Wake this morning with a face of spots! Don't you just love it when a face mask does that! That's why I should use nothing but camel soap!
Spent 2 hours replying to emails! Having cancer, writing a blog and trying to fundraise is a full time job! God knows how I will ever have time for patients again!
Recruits for the 10km and 3km are coming in fast. Mum has decided she is going to do the 3km even if she has to walk it! This will be hilarious so I will make sure I take lots of photos for everyone back home!
Seems many of you were concerned over the 'big cry' and your positive wishes have spurred me on. So sing along……….. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1odvp-_bhk&feature=related
Mum and I have our hair cut today. Mum has gone shorter and more flicky and I have gone more dramatic! I'm now shorter at the back but long at the front (think Cheryl Cole!!) and I love it! Just as well I know 'T' our hairdresser because the hair cut took it out of me and had to lie down and rest on her couch after! God, you can't take me anywhere at the moment!
Talking of hair, I pulled out 6 grey hairs from one small patch today! Going to dye my hair next week before chemo starts and then not again for 6 months. Could be completely grey by that stage, unless the chemo does me a favour and only the grey hairs fall out! Unlikely!
Dad sets up skype today so I talk to him from his office. Well I talk to the side of his head as he didn’t quite get the right idea about positioning the camera!
My brother has signed up for a 5km run for the day I start chemo. Only catch is he has to dress up as santa! Somebody please go along and take a picture for me! I have decided on Ryan Gosling for Tom although he would rather be Will Smith!
Yummy mummy K takes me out for a walk in my wheelchair along with baby 'E' and their cute dog. Lovely to get some fresh air and we have a nice chat. Also shows me how great it would be to have a normal dog!
Matt comes back from his training run and is allowed a bath! For the last 6 months, since trying for a baby, Matt has not been allowed a bath, to wear tight boxers or drink much! All of these things have gone out of the window for the next few months so he is delighted!
Poos- 2, wound weeping- quite a lot, swelling- large, attractiveness- 5/10 (and that's only for the non-grey hair)!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Tears at last
Day 19-Tuesday
Weighed myself again this morning as worried the ferrero roches may be leaving their mark! Lost another 2kg. Weigh just 7 1/2 stone now-I haven't been that weight since before my thyroid diagnosis. Feel slightly proud that I am now a skinny minnie (!) but also slightly concerned that I'm not absorbing all this food I am eating because I'm pooing so much! Mum thinks she is maybe gaining the weight for me!
Had a bad night last night. Had my first big proper cry. Had a few issues that suddenly crept up on me.
1. " I don't want to die" and if I'm going to die I don't want to die in the pain I was in before. This is the first time death has come into the equation and I blame it on the internet reading. I also looked up my staging last night and I'm IIIC- i.e. just about to spread to other organs. I'm suddenly really scared of dying. I feel anxious and panicky. I'm too young to die.
2. "why me?" start to feel angry that this is happening to me. Not that I wish it on anyone else but I have always been healthy and looked after myself. Doesn’t feel fair. I'm generally a good person and my job involves helping others so why do I deserve this.
3. "my life is never going to be the same again". I will forever have cancer hanging over me. Every time I get diarrhea, feel sick I'm going to panic it is the cancer returning. What a horrible way to have to live the rest of your life. How do you live with that anxiety? Again I feel intense anger that my life has changed.
Don't really know how to deal with these feelings. I know they need to come out and be dealt with. I know the potential damage bad feelings kept inside can cause. I don't feel like being rational and looking at the facts of my case. I feel like I could cry forever and then scream and shout and cry again. I have so much anger, hatred and disgust for this cancer. How dare it do this to me. In fact I have 'red rage'! Best friend 'C' had 'red rage' once at school and it saw her win a fight against a bully! My 'red rage' can hopefully be channeled into helping me beat cancer! So all together now…………http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fg3vzl_VwLc
Need to try and get it all out of my system before chemo. I want to go into chemo with nothing but positivity. I know chemo is going to be a crap time but I can't help waiting with excitement for the medicine that is going to kill more of these horrible cancer cells. Chemo is my friend!
Head out to buy a Christmas tree. I love decorating the tree and want to have it all up before the chemo starts. Also buy myself a 'nazar' ring to ward of the evil eye- anything to help the cause!
Dad emailed the designs for my sashes and caps. They look good! They will be being sent to you all so please wear them for any events you do! Also, Beating Bowel Cancer emailed me and everyone taking part in a fundraising event on my behalf is entitled to a free t-shirt or running vest!
My just giving account has only been open for a day and I already have 265 pounds in donation and sponsorship money! Thanks everyone! I have listed the names of friends who are joining Matt in the Dubai 10km so please continue to support them.
Mum wants to start a whole range of mushroom cards and books- think mum's head is in the clouds with this stardom business! She is coming up with these ideas whilst using my cross trainer. I saved my budget for 4 months to buy this machine and only managed to use it once before I got ill! Typical! Mum has hurt her calf though, so now I have both of them moaning with injuries! Really, do they both need reminding that right now it's all about me!
Cast allocation- Best friend 'C'- Mena Suvari and her husband 'A'- Simon Pegg. Now for those of you that don't know this couple, you must be thinking "what the hell? How has he managed that one?" He is, however, gorgeous and the only person who can keep 'C' well and truly in her place!
Bright nail varnish is driving me mad. Chips really easily and I have had to top it up 3 times in the last 24hours! Don't know if I can be bothered to be this high maintenance! Wound hasn't leaked today and managed to put on my own jeans! Things are looking up!
Weighed myself again this morning as worried the ferrero roches may be leaving their mark! Lost another 2kg. Weigh just 7 1/2 stone now-I haven't been that weight since before my thyroid diagnosis. Feel slightly proud that I am now a skinny minnie (!) but also slightly concerned that I'm not absorbing all this food I am eating because I'm pooing so much! Mum thinks she is maybe gaining the weight for me!
Had a bad night last night. Had my first big proper cry. Had a few issues that suddenly crept up on me.
1. " I don't want to die" and if I'm going to die I don't want to die in the pain I was in before. This is the first time death has come into the equation and I blame it on the internet reading. I also looked up my staging last night and I'm IIIC- i.e. just about to spread to other organs. I'm suddenly really scared of dying. I feel anxious and panicky. I'm too young to die.
2. "why me?" start to feel angry that this is happening to me. Not that I wish it on anyone else but I have always been healthy and looked after myself. Doesn’t feel fair. I'm generally a good person and my job involves helping others so why do I deserve this.
3. "my life is never going to be the same again". I will forever have cancer hanging over me. Every time I get diarrhea, feel sick I'm going to panic it is the cancer returning. What a horrible way to have to live the rest of your life. How do you live with that anxiety? Again I feel intense anger that my life has changed.
Don't really know how to deal with these feelings. I know they need to come out and be dealt with. I know the potential damage bad feelings kept inside can cause. I don't feel like being rational and looking at the facts of my case. I feel like I could cry forever and then scream and shout and cry again. I have so much anger, hatred and disgust for this cancer. How dare it do this to me. In fact I have 'red rage'! Best friend 'C' had 'red rage' once at school and it saw her win a fight against a bully! My 'red rage' can hopefully be channeled into helping me beat cancer! So all together now…………http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fg3vzl_VwLc
Need to try and get it all out of my system before chemo. I want to go into chemo with nothing but positivity. I know chemo is going to be a crap time but I can't help waiting with excitement for the medicine that is going to kill more of these horrible cancer cells. Chemo is my friend!
Head out to buy a Christmas tree. I love decorating the tree and want to have it all up before the chemo starts. Also buy myself a 'nazar' ring to ward of the evil eye- anything to help the cause!
Dad emailed the designs for my sashes and caps. They look good! They will be being sent to you all so please wear them for any events you do! Also, Beating Bowel Cancer emailed me and everyone taking part in a fundraising event on my behalf is entitled to a free t-shirt or running vest!
My just giving account has only been open for a day and I already have 265 pounds in donation and sponsorship money! Thanks everyone! I have listed the names of friends who are joining Matt in the Dubai 10km so please continue to support them.
Mum wants to start a whole range of mushroom cards and books- think mum's head is in the clouds with this stardom business! She is coming up with these ideas whilst using my cross trainer. I saved my budget for 4 months to buy this machine and only managed to use it once before I got ill! Typical! Mum has hurt her calf though, so now I have both of them moaning with injuries! Really, do they both need reminding that right now it's all about me!
Cast allocation- Best friend 'C'- Mena Suvari and her husband 'A'- Simon Pegg. Now for those of you that don't know this couple, you must be thinking "what the hell? How has he managed that one?" He is, however, gorgeous and the only person who can keep 'C' well and truly in her place!
Bright nail varnish is driving me mad. Chips really easily and I have had to top it up 3 times in the last 24hours! Don't know if I can be bothered to be this high maintenance! Wound hasn't leaked today and managed to put on my own jeans! Things are looking up!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Just giving
Day 18- Monday
Get up at 5am to do a wee, 6.30am to do a poo (this now seems to be the norm! Being woken everyday between 6-7am needing a poo!) and then can't get back to sleep as mum is snoring! Not so much snoring, more of a weird whistle blowing, puffing breathing! Very annoying as feeling tired. May go back in with Matt tonight because at least I can poke him if he starts to snore!
So up early, again! Lovely day today; sun is shining, birds are singing and I am feeling positive and ready to fight after my results yesterday. Birds don't sing for long. As soon as the door is open Malika runs out barking to move them on their way. Malika HATES birds. In fact she hates all animals! Whilst Matt was back in the UK in the summer, she caught a bird, brought it in the house and played with it on her bed. I was hysterical. I hate birds (the flapping freaks me out) and I definitely don’t want them in the house. Eventually she took it out and ate it all apart from the tail! She is disgusting but having lived wild she will eat anything that moves!
Dr Salti phones to check on my weeping wound. It is much better today- starting to dry. He wants me to have a weeks course of antibiotics just in case, as I can't have any infection for the portacath surgery. So mum is sent out to go to the pharmacy and food shop in Spinneys. She is so excited to be set free for an hour I have never seen her get dressed so quickly! Today she is casual. Mum has a very strange wardrobe with her! As she packed in such a hurry and she didn't know how long she would be staying for, she has either black tie dresses or casual beach wear! So most of the time she is dolled up looking like she is off to one of our 5 star hotels for dinner rather than a mum pushing her sick kid round the mall!
Spent lots of time reading and copying messages from friends and family. Matt is printing them all off and I am making a scrap book. So nice to read the support and definitely brightens up my day. Had a lovely message from yummy mummy 'J' who's birthday it was yesterday. She has donated to Beating Bowel Cancer as she felt she "wanted to give something back". Brought a tear to my eye. So today's song choice is easy……………..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDSsxeBZZNY&feature=related
Set up a just giving account-
https://www.justgiving.com/account/your-pages/didamushroomsavemylive
Just noticed I have put 'live' instead of 'life'! Oh well can't change it now so please just click on the link if you want to donate or sponsor Matt in his 10km. That’s going to annoy me now, perfectionist that I am!!! Checked and if you type 'did a mushroom save my life' into the 'sponsor a friend' search it works! Panic over! Never mind typos as long as we can raise money!
Scar is so good today I decided to leave it undressed. In fact I have a pampering session! Nails- check, bikini line- check, moustache(!)- check, facial- check. Begin to feel human again. Decide on a little leggings and dress combo- only problem is when I lift up the dress my swollen belly hangs over the top of the leggings! Lovely!
Mum escapes to the pool. Now Matt will be cross because he doesn't like me left alone and mum is not off duty until he gets home from work! So, left alone I snuggle down to watch a film. Then the phone calls begin! The phone is the other side of the room, so I have to struggle up and waddle over! My dad calls to talk about my iron on transfers with my slogan- can't get them so we opt for caps . Then my aunty 'D', my nanny and my aunty 'N' phone. Nice to hear from my family and I realize how worried they have all been back home.
I do something bad today that I had promised myself I wouldn't do. I read other people's cancer stories. Most of them depressing and they have suppressed my positivity a little. The talk of reoccurrence and spread has frightened me and I'm annoyed at myself for reading. Feel like I need to ask Dr K what my chances of success are. I hadn't considered the future, just thought get through chemo and I'll be OK. Have that exam dread feeling in my tummy now. Advice to others- don't look things up on the internet, it doesn't help! Need to remember that Dr Salti said he had operated to cure me – that's my story and only my story is important.
Our friend 'Mr Tetley' comes round with flowers. I love this guy- he is hilarious and his life is going to be my excitement for the next 6 months. Soo excited to see him, in fact, that my wound starts weeping! Mr Tetley is 'working' his way around the world, if you get my gist, and is currently looking for a Miss France, Italy or South America! His stories make me laugh and he has offered to take mum out to find a man. He has also offered to do the Oman runs with mum, which will be a great help, but as he is "not fussy about age" I am concerned mum may not be safe!!! He is a great friend and Matt's 'shoulder to cry on' when I was in hospital.
Cast allocation- Tash, my brother's girlfriend is to be played by Mila Kunis! Eva Mendes would have been my first choice, especially in Hitch, but she is too old! Tash reports she is "more than happy" with that allocation!
Fererro Roches- 6, jelly beans-hundreds, Exercise- none unless you count getting up for the phone 4 times!
Get up at 5am to do a wee, 6.30am to do a poo (this now seems to be the norm! Being woken everyday between 6-7am needing a poo!) and then can't get back to sleep as mum is snoring! Not so much snoring, more of a weird whistle blowing, puffing breathing! Very annoying as feeling tired. May go back in with Matt tonight because at least I can poke him if he starts to snore!
So up early, again! Lovely day today; sun is shining, birds are singing and I am feeling positive and ready to fight after my results yesterday. Birds don't sing for long. As soon as the door is open Malika runs out barking to move them on their way. Malika HATES birds. In fact she hates all animals! Whilst Matt was back in the UK in the summer, she caught a bird, brought it in the house and played with it on her bed. I was hysterical. I hate birds (the flapping freaks me out) and I definitely don’t want them in the house. Eventually she took it out and ate it all apart from the tail! She is disgusting but having lived wild she will eat anything that moves!
Dr Salti phones to check on my weeping wound. It is much better today- starting to dry. He wants me to have a weeks course of antibiotics just in case, as I can't have any infection for the portacath surgery. So mum is sent out to go to the pharmacy and food shop in Spinneys. She is so excited to be set free for an hour I have never seen her get dressed so quickly! Today she is casual. Mum has a very strange wardrobe with her! As she packed in such a hurry and she didn't know how long she would be staying for, she has either black tie dresses or casual beach wear! So most of the time she is dolled up looking like she is off to one of our 5 star hotels for dinner rather than a mum pushing her sick kid round the mall!
Spent lots of time reading and copying messages from friends and family. Matt is printing them all off and I am making a scrap book. So nice to read the support and definitely brightens up my day. Had a lovely message from yummy mummy 'J' who's birthday it was yesterday. She has donated to Beating Bowel Cancer as she felt she "wanted to give something back". Brought a tear to my eye. So today's song choice is easy……………..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDSsxeBZZNY&feature=related
Set up a just giving account-
https://www.justgiving.com/account/your-pages/didamushroomsavemylive
Just noticed I have put 'live' instead of 'life'! Oh well can't change it now so please just click on the link if you want to donate or sponsor Matt in his 10km. That’s going to annoy me now, perfectionist that I am!!! Checked and if you type 'did a mushroom save my life' into the 'sponsor a friend' search it works! Panic over! Never mind typos as long as we can raise money!
Scar is so good today I decided to leave it undressed. In fact I have a pampering session! Nails- check, bikini line- check, moustache(!)- check, facial- check. Begin to feel human again. Decide on a little leggings and dress combo- only problem is when I lift up the dress my swollen belly hangs over the top of the leggings! Lovely!
Mum escapes to the pool. Now Matt will be cross because he doesn't like me left alone and mum is not off duty until he gets home from work! So, left alone I snuggle down to watch a film. Then the phone calls begin! The phone is the other side of the room, so I have to struggle up and waddle over! My dad calls to talk about my iron on transfers with my slogan- can't get them so we opt for caps . Then my aunty 'D', my nanny and my aunty 'N' phone. Nice to hear from my family and I realize how worried they have all been back home.
I do something bad today that I had promised myself I wouldn't do. I read other people's cancer stories. Most of them depressing and they have suppressed my positivity a little. The talk of reoccurrence and spread has frightened me and I'm annoyed at myself for reading. Feel like I need to ask Dr K what my chances of success are. I hadn't considered the future, just thought get through chemo and I'll be OK. Have that exam dread feeling in my tummy now. Advice to others- don't look things up on the internet, it doesn't help! Need to remember that Dr Salti said he had operated to cure me – that's my story and only my story is important.
Our friend 'Mr Tetley' comes round with flowers. I love this guy- he is hilarious and his life is going to be my excitement for the next 6 months. Soo excited to see him, in fact, that my wound starts weeping! Mr Tetley is 'working' his way around the world, if you get my gist, and is currently looking for a Miss France, Italy or South America! His stories make me laugh and he has offered to take mum out to find a man. He has also offered to do the Oman runs with mum, which will be a great help, but as he is "not fussy about age" I am concerned mum may not be safe!!! He is a great friend and Matt's 'shoulder to cry on' when I was in hospital.
Cast allocation- Tash, my brother's girlfriend is to be played by Mila Kunis! Eva Mendes would have been my first choice, especially in Hitch, but she is too old! Tash reports she is "more than happy" with that allocation!
Fererro Roches- 6, jelly beans-hundreds, Exercise- none unless you count getting up for the phone 4 times!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Good news
Day 17- Sunday
7 hours after scan, results are in-ALL CLEAR! Cannot explain how relieved I am. Dr Khan phoned as the scanner had told him I was anxious. Again what amazing service. I LOVE the American Hospital. So today's song is……… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GwjfUFyY6M
OK now we can start today's blog. Couldn't concentrate earlier! The lady who did the scan was lovely and the nurse who inserted the cannula was the nurse who wheeled me down to theatre! Was nice to see a familiar face. The scanner explained in detail to me what was going to happen. I was likely to experience an intense heat in my body as the contrast was injected that may make me feel like I had wet myself! And taste of metal in the mouth. Well I had the metal taste, very strong, but luckily only felt hot in my ears! The CT doesn’t take long and it is not a full tunnel ,just a ring. Overall, not too bad an experience.
Whilst waiting for my disc we helped an upset Australian lady. Her husband had gone in for investigation after me and unfortunately had also been diagnosed with cancer. She was obviously very emotional and had only had a baby 3 weeks ago. Makes you realize that there is always someone worse off than you.
Her main concern was her husband having surgery in Dubai. But she has no worries- his surgeon, the wonderful Dr Salti! Explained the excellent service I had received and the confidence I had in the team. We exchanged numbers and she immediately text to say "that she felt like a weight had been lifted after speaking to me". What a nice feeling to help someone else. I wish her husband all the luck in the world and will definitely keep in touch with her to offer support.
Went shopping to buy more baby clothes! Two of my ante-natal patients have become yummy mummies in the last few weeks so hoping to get in some visits before the chemo starts. Mum treated me to a lovely cozy cardigan for comfort during chemo! Had to finish shopping abruptly as started to feel ill. Think all the anxiety and tiredness are catching up on me. Get home and snooze for 2 hours!
Speak to my two cousin s 'C' and 'E' on skype. Good to see them both and they were live when I get the good news. Also skyped my brother again. We discuss who should play him in the movie. He would like Chandler Bing as he is funny or Will Ferrell! Surprised he hasn't gone for someone better looking but he has opted for GSOH! His girlfriend will not agree with this. In Spain this summer she described him as "the least funny person she knew"! It was hilarious – in fact she said my mum was funnier! Tom was gutted!
Matt, mum and I head out to the golf club for dinner to celebrate. They have a lovely menu with lots of Thai and Indian food. Decide best to avoid spice in public so opt for the lamb shank and mash! Pudding had to be skipped as after eating felt like a poo! Had to spend the next 10 minutes in the toilet playing a game of 'is it, isn't it' going to come so we decide to go home! Well at least I'm a cheap dinner date at the moment!
Best friend 'S' skyped. She didn’t realize the blog had been updated so she is 5 days behind! I am rubbish with computers and would be the same if I was trying to follow someone else! How great is skype though? You can literally sit on your couch and have a cup of tea with friends and family thousands of miles away!
So I mentioned Matt's neck pain in yesterday's blog, well it worsened as the evening went on! The performance! I have to go in to say goodnight to him as he can't make it into the spare room to see me! (Back in the spare room so I don't disturb Matt on school nights!) Mum is running around getting him pain killers and I think everyone has forgotten that I have CANCER!!! In the end, to keep him quiet I check it out- he has a muscle trigger point. Now, I don't have the strength (surprisingly!) to massage or treat this trigger point so I show mum where to press and she gets stuck in with her elbow! She is gritting her teeth and I haven't seen her have so much fun as Matt is screaming! That will teach him to moan!
Looking forward to this week. No hospital visits until next Monday! Yay!
7 hours after scan, results are in-ALL CLEAR! Cannot explain how relieved I am. Dr Khan phoned as the scanner had told him I was anxious. Again what amazing service. I LOVE the American Hospital. So today's song is……… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GwjfUFyY6M
OK now we can start today's blog. Couldn't concentrate earlier! The lady who did the scan was lovely and the nurse who inserted the cannula was the nurse who wheeled me down to theatre! Was nice to see a familiar face. The scanner explained in detail to me what was going to happen. I was likely to experience an intense heat in my body as the contrast was injected that may make me feel like I had wet myself! And taste of metal in the mouth. Well I had the metal taste, very strong, but luckily only felt hot in my ears! The CT doesn’t take long and it is not a full tunnel ,just a ring. Overall, not too bad an experience.
Whilst waiting for my disc we helped an upset Australian lady. Her husband had gone in for investigation after me and unfortunately had also been diagnosed with cancer. She was obviously very emotional and had only had a baby 3 weeks ago. Makes you realize that there is always someone worse off than you.
Her main concern was her husband having surgery in Dubai. But she has no worries- his surgeon, the wonderful Dr Salti! Explained the excellent service I had received and the confidence I had in the team. We exchanged numbers and she immediately text to say "that she felt like a weight had been lifted after speaking to me". What a nice feeling to help someone else. I wish her husband all the luck in the world and will definitely keep in touch with her to offer support.
Went shopping to buy more baby clothes! Two of my ante-natal patients have become yummy mummies in the last few weeks so hoping to get in some visits before the chemo starts. Mum treated me to a lovely cozy cardigan for comfort during chemo! Had to finish shopping abruptly as started to feel ill. Think all the anxiety and tiredness are catching up on me. Get home and snooze for 2 hours!
Speak to my two cousin s 'C' and 'E' on skype. Good to see them both and they were live when I get the good news. Also skyped my brother again. We discuss who should play him in the movie. He would like Chandler Bing as he is funny or Will Ferrell! Surprised he hasn't gone for someone better looking but he has opted for GSOH! His girlfriend will not agree with this. In Spain this summer she described him as "the least funny person she knew"! It was hilarious – in fact she said my mum was funnier! Tom was gutted!
Matt, mum and I head out to the golf club for dinner to celebrate. They have a lovely menu with lots of Thai and Indian food. Decide best to avoid spice in public so opt for the lamb shank and mash! Pudding had to be skipped as after eating felt like a poo! Had to spend the next 10 minutes in the toilet playing a game of 'is it, isn't it' going to come so we decide to go home! Well at least I'm a cheap dinner date at the moment!
Best friend 'S' skyped. She didn’t realize the blog had been updated so she is 5 days behind! I am rubbish with computers and would be the same if I was trying to follow someone else! How great is skype though? You can literally sit on your couch and have a cup of tea with friends and family thousands of miles away!
So I mentioned Matt's neck pain in yesterday's blog, well it worsened as the evening went on! The performance! I have to go in to say goodnight to him as he can't make it into the spare room to see me! (Back in the spare room so I don't disturb Matt on school nights!) Mum is running around getting him pain killers and I think everyone has forgotten that I have CANCER!!! In the end, to keep him quiet I check it out- he has a muscle trigger point. Now, I don't have the strength (surprisingly!) to massage or treat this trigger point so I show mum where to press and she gets stuck in with her elbow! She is gritting her teeth and I haven't seen her have so much fun as Matt is screaming! That will teach him to moan!
Looking forward to this week. No hospital visits until next Monday! Yay!
Saturday, November 19, 2011
The birthday BBQ
Day 16-Saturday
Nice to wake up and not worry about going to work! Maybe I could get used to this lady of leisure thing after all! Saying that I am only day 16 and from my calculations (God my maths teachers would be proud!), if my chemo goes to plan and does not need to be postponed at any stage due to low blood count, I have about 171 days to go until it's all over! There's an end in sight if ever I saw one!
The predicted chemo diary looks like I will feel good (hopefully!)for Christmas, my birthday, Matt's Easter break and Matt's birthday! Not such good news for New years's day (oh well, means the year can only get better!)or mum's birthday! In fact not good for either of mum's birthdays! She has two like the queen! The 30th and 31st of January. This is because as a child (being one of 9!) my grandparents thought she was born on the 31st! She didn’t discover the truth until years later, and her birth certificate needed to be checked, and they realized she was actually born the day before! Poor mum! She is really getting the rough deal here! So for mum's birthdays we will spend them both sitting in an oncology department!
I feel full Independence day is nearly upon me! The only things I still need help with are putting on trousers and drying my hair! It is nice to wake up in the mornings and come downstairs on my own. Once Malika has done her wee she takes herself back up to bed (!) and I get an hour of alone time to read my messages of support. The only problem is I am limited to sitting in the really hard, cheap Ikea arm chair! We have to put up all the sofa cushions every evening and every time we leave the house otherwise Malika covers them in hair. Currently these are too heavy for me to rearrange so the uncomfortable seat it is!
These early mornings are crazy though! Waking up around 6 every day! Still I should be making the most of these long days, from what I'm hearing from other cancer sufferers the fatigue with chemo is a killer! Still will give you guys a rest from my continuous babbling- I'll be too tired to write! Intense fatigue I have experienced before. Just before I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism mum and I went on holiday to celebrate the end of my first degree. I spent the whole holiday asleep- 10-12 hours a night, 2-3 hours before lunch, 1-2 hours afternoon snooze followed by 1 hour before going out for dinner! Mum never invited me on a girly holiday again! Now my mum and little sister go on their own- always very budget with lots of alcohol, cockroaches and Rod Stewart impersonators! There is a great story from a few years back when my sister was trying to 'pull' the aging Rod Stewart lookalike by 'reeling him in on a pretend fishing rod'. She thought she was in luck when he swaggered over only to be told "move over I'm interested in your mum"!
I have always been well known for my ability to snooze! I can sleep anywhere at anytime! Friends on holidays are always jealous how much sleep I can catch up on lying on the sunbed! Matt is my perfect other half- he can snooze more than me! Same with the dog- snooze bug also! Let's just hope our kids are the same otherwise there could be a problem!
Looked up diet advice on Beating bowel cancer website. Advised a low fibre diet whilst dealing with diarrhea- that's me then! So, for the moment no brown rice, bread, pasta, rough vegetables, fruit with skin/seeds or nuts. No wonder my tummy has been bad- that has pretty much been everything in my diet for the last 2 months! Also no spicey food! So will take all their advice except I'm going to carry on eating nuts in the form of ferrero roches (OBVIOUSLY!) and there is no way I'm not having a curry for 6 months!
Just sneezed! Oh the pain! I have been avoiding that sneeze for 3 days and it just crept up on me. Now feels like my tummy has ripped open!
Matt has gone for his first 10km training jog. Sent him out with a rucksack so he can pick up a few things from the shop on his way! Two birds, one stone and all that! Think he has gone out to escape more Michael Buble! I love Buble (cheese monger that I am) and today I am in just the mood for some old school swing. The last dance at our wedding was Buble's 'Everything' and it's also my ringtone! Has lovely words.
I am someone who relates songs to occasions and I love songs with good words and meanings. Going to compile a soundtrack for my cancer journey- a song a day! So as well as reading my journey you can listen to my soundtrack! Will start that from tomorrow.
Finding it hard to look at pictures of myself from the last year. Keep thinking I had cancer growing inside me and it makes me feel horrible and sick. Had to change our screensaver from a picture of Matt & I at my cousin's wedding to one of the dog dressed as a rapper! Love this picture of Malika- always makes me laugh! In fact looking at our wedding pictures makes me cry. This is the most I have cried since diagnosis. Feels so disgusting that I had that thing growing inside me on our wedding day . Depressing and upsetting and I hope I don't always feel like this about my favourite pictures.
Went to little 'E's first birthday party today. Bought her a present from Zara kids- love that shop. I could spend hours in there! Settled on a cute, and very on-trend mac with hat and a hairband. Even managed to find children's wrapping paper with cartoon mushrooms on it! Lovely to catch up with yummy mummies k & C! Matt managed to rope a few other husbands into doing the 10km with him- that was before they knew about the mushroom outfits! Also had a job offer! Yummy mummy K is setting up her own lingerie business and she has asked me to help with social media marketing! Very exciting- don't know if I will be any good but at least I have the time available to try!
Matt came back from his run with an injury! I knew this would happen! He has hurt his neck and unfortunately I am not strong enough to massage him better. I know, I'm a terrible wife! He hasn’t stopped moaning about it all day but my sympathy levels are, unsurprisingly, a little lower these days! He is propped up watching football with a hot water bottle- that should keep him quiet for a few hours whilst mum and I watch a film!
We watch 'The Wedding date' one of my all time favourite films! "I think I'd miss you even if we'd never met "- what a great line. My cousin 'S' said doctors had told her in the past to watch funny happy films when going through stressful medical treatment so this film is perfect! Also helps with cast allocation for today. My school friend 'R' is to be played by Sarah Parish, the main character's cousin in the film. Sounds and acts just like 'R' so I think this is a perfect match.
Spoke to best friend 'C' and her husband 'A'. They have some hilarious poo advice. 1) always carry toilet paper in your bag ,2) always carry a match or lighter to burn away the smell and 3) always carry at least 2 spare pairs of pants in your bag. 'A' tells a great story of pooing his pants at work, carrying them in a bag down the high street and buying another pair that were too small! Laughed so much that my tummy is still hurting an hour later!
Also skyped my brother-in-law and his girlfriend 'S'. It is the first time I have met her and I definitely do not look my best- mascara run eyes from my earlier little cry, PJ top and weeping wound do not make a good first impression!
Just had a message from a friend from uni 'L'. Extremely emotional to report she is willing to do the Bath half marathon in March and maybe the Henley ionman race in September on behalf of Beating Bowel Cancer. This is the best kind of support I can ask for. If my friends and family can support me by saving the lives of others then everything I am going through is worth it. Thank you 'L' from the bottom of my heart.
Matt is extremely excited as the Millwall captain has retweeted my blog! Very kind of him and I have to say as a Chelsea fan my opinion of Millwall fan's is rapidly changing. We have had lots of messages of support from Millwall fan's on their forum. Still want my future children to support Chelsea though!
Contrast CT scan tomorrow. Very worried about this. Please everyone keep your fingers crossed that the cancer has not spread further than lymph nodes. Hopefully will know results in a few days.
Nice to wake up and not worry about going to work! Maybe I could get used to this lady of leisure thing after all! Saying that I am only day 16 and from my calculations (God my maths teachers would be proud!), if my chemo goes to plan and does not need to be postponed at any stage due to low blood count, I have about 171 days to go until it's all over! There's an end in sight if ever I saw one!
The predicted chemo diary looks like I will feel good (hopefully!)for Christmas, my birthday, Matt's Easter break and Matt's birthday! Not such good news for New years's day (oh well, means the year can only get better!)or mum's birthday! In fact not good for either of mum's birthdays! She has two like the queen! The 30th and 31st of January. This is because as a child (being one of 9!) my grandparents thought she was born on the 31st! She didn’t discover the truth until years later, and her birth certificate needed to be checked, and they realized she was actually born the day before! Poor mum! She is really getting the rough deal here! So for mum's birthdays we will spend them both sitting in an oncology department!
I feel full Independence day is nearly upon me! The only things I still need help with are putting on trousers and drying my hair! It is nice to wake up in the mornings and come downstairs on my own. Once Malika has done her wee she takes herself back up to bed (!) and I get an hour of alone time to read my messages of support. The only problem is I am limited to sitting in the really hard, cheap Ikea arm chair! We have to put up all the sofa cushions every evening and every time we leave the house otherwise Malika covers them in hair. Currently these are too heavy for me to rearrange so the uncomfortable seat it is!
These early mornings are crazy though! Waking up around 6 every day! Still I should be making the most of these long days, from what I'm hearing from other cancer sufferers the fatigue with chemo is a killer! Still will give you guys a rest from my continuous babbling- I'll be too tired to write! Intense fatigue I have experienced before. Just before I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism mum and I went on holiday to celebrate the end of my first degree. I spent the whole holiday asleep- 10-12 hours a night, 2-3 hours before lunch, 1-2 hours afternoon snooze followed by 1 hour before going out for dinner! Mum never invited me on a girly holiday again! Now my mum and little sister go on their own- always very budget with lots of alcohol, cockroaches and Rod Stewart impersonators! There is a great story from a few years back when my sister was trying to 'pull' the aging Rod Stewart lookalike by 'reeling him in on a pretend fishing rod'. She thought she was in luck when he swaggered over only to be told "move over I'm interested in your mum"!
I have always been well known for my ability to snooze! I can sleep anywhere at anytime! Friends on holidays are always jealous how much sleep I can catch up on lying on the sunbed! Matt is my perfect other half- he can snooze more than me! Same with the dog- snooze bug also! Let's just hope our kids are the same otherwise there could be a problem!
Looked up diet advice on Beating bowel cancer website. Advised a low fibre diet whilst dealing with diarrhea- that's me then! So, for the moment no brown rice, bread, pasta, rough vegetables, fruit with skin/seeds or nuts. No wonder my tummy has been bad- that has pretty much been everything in my diet for the last 2 months! Also no spicey food! So will take all their advice except I'm going to carry on eating nuts in the form of ferrero roches (OBVIOUSLY!) and there is no way I'm not having a curry for 6 months!
Just sneezed! Oh the pain! I have been avoiding that sneeze for 3 days and it just crept up on me. Now feels like my tummy has ripped open!
Matt has gone for his first 10km training jog. Sent him out with a rucksack so he can pick up a few things from the shop on his way! Two birds, one stone and all that! Think he has gone out to escape more Michael Buble! I love Buble (cheese monger that I am) and today I am in just the mood for some old school swing. The last dance at our wedding was Buble's 'Everything' and it's also my ringtone! Has lovely words.
I am someone who relates songs to occasions and I love songs with good words and meanings. Going to compile a soundtrack for my cancer journey- a song a day! So as well as reading my journey you can listen to my soundtrack! Will start that from tomorrow.
Finding it hard to look at pictures of myself from the last year. Keep thinking I had cancer growing inside me and it makes me feel horrible and sick. Had to change our screensaver from a picture of Matt & I at my cousin's wedding to one of the dog dressed as a rapper! Love this picture of Malika- always makes me laugh! In fact looking at our wedding pictures makes me cry. This is the most I have cried since diagnosis. Feels so disgusting that I had that thing growing inside me on our wedding day . Depressing and upsetting and I hope I don't always feel like this about my favourite pictures.
Went to little 'E's first birthday party today. Bought her a present from Zara kids- love that shop. I could spend hours in there! Settled on a cute, and very on-trend mac with hat and a hairband. Even managed to find children's wrapping paper with cartoon mushrooms on it! Lovely to catch up with yummy mummies k & C! Matt managed to rope a few other husbands into doing the 10km with him- that was before they knew about the mushroom outfits! Also had a job offer! Yummy mummy K is setting up her own lingerie business and she has asked me to help with social media marketing! Very exciting- don't know if I will be any good but at least I have the time available to try!
Matt came back from his run with an injury! I knew this would happen! He has hurt his neck and unfortunately I am not strong enough to massage him better. I know, I'm a terrible wife! He hasn’t stopped moaning about it all day but my sympathy levels are, unsurprisingly, a little lower these days! He is propped up watching football with a hot water bottle- that should keep him quiet for a few hours whilst mum and I watch a film!
We watch 'The Wedding date' one of my all time favourite films! "I think I'd miss you even if we'd never met "- what a great line. My cousin 'S' said doctors had told her in the past to watch funny happy films when going through stressful medical treatment so this film is perfect! Also helps with cast allocation for today. My school friend 'R' is to be played by Sarah Parish, the main character's cousin in the film. Sounds and acts just like 'R' so I think this is a perfect match.
Spoke to best friend 'C' and her husband 'A'. They have some hilarious poo advice. 1) always carry toilet paper in your bag ,2) always carry a match or lighter to burn away the smell and 3) always carry at least 2 spare pairs of pants in your bag. 'A' tells a great story of pooing his pants at work, carrying them in a bag down the high street and buying another pair that were too small! Laughed so much that my tummy is still hurting an hour later!
Also skyped my brother-in-law and his girlfriend 'S'. It is the first time I have met her and I definitely do not look my best- mascara run eyes from my earlier little cry, PJ top and weeping wound do not make a good first impression!
Just had a message from a friend from uni 'L'. Extremely emotional to report she is willing to do the Bath half marathon in March and maybe the Henley ionman race in September on behalf of Beating Bowel Cancer. This is the best kind of support I can ask for. If my friends and family can support me by saving the lives of others then everything I am going through is worth it. Thank you 'L' from the bottom of my heart.
Matt is extremely excited as the Millwall captain has retweeted my blog! Very kind of him and I have to say as a Chelsea fan my opinion of Millwall fan's is rapidly changing. We have had lots of messages of support from Millwall fan's on their forum. Still want my future children to support Chelsea though!
Contrast CT scan tomorrow. Very worried about this. Please everyone keep your fingers crossed that the cancer has not spread further than lymph nodes. Hopefully will know results in a few days.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Beating Bowel Cancer
Day 15-Friday
Had my first cancer dream last night! Woke up doing that weird sleep crying thing! Dreamt that I started being sick a weeks worth of thyroxine and painkillers- they were coming up whole! Went to the doctors and they told me I obviously had throat cancer and the medicine hadn’t been able to get down. The prognosis was poor and they told me to go home to die! Horrible, horrible, horrible. Must be the upcoming CT scan that is on my mind. By Monday I will know definitely if there has been any spread in my chest or abdomen.
Got on with finding a charity to support this morning. Decide on Beating Bowel Cancer- http://www.beatingbowelcancer.org/. This charity is based close to where I'm from in the UK. It offers a great support for sufferers and their families as well as increasing awareness. They are holding a collection on 4th Dec at the Bentalls shopping centre, Kingston. Being a shopaholic this used to be my favourite place! They require volunteers to help with the collection if any of you are free! If not, please pop along and just leave a donation. Sunday 4th Dec is a very important day for me- the start of chemo, and it would spur me on no end if I knew my friends and family where supporting my journey back in the UK. Take a picture of yourself there and it will appear on the blog! That will entice some of you!
Already have some fundraising set up. An old flat mate and uni friend 'H', who now lives in Australia, is going to do an Aquathon in January for colon cancer. The crazy girl is going to swim 950m and run 7km! Cannot express how much this means to me and let's hope together we can increase awareness and save someone's life. Also Matt is going to do the Dubai 10km in January. He wanted to do the full marathon, but in true physio spirit I advised against this without the appropriate training! Don't need to be worrying about him getting an injury in the next 2months!
For my Dubai friends and colleagues if you feel you would like to run the 10km or 3km please bear my charity in mind. You can order 'beating bowel cancer' t-shirts off their website and I am planning to get some iron on transfers made to add onto the back of these. The slogan –
Does my colon look big in this? (picture of a mushroom! wouldn't let me paste)
Matt would also like to be dressed as a mushroom, or the very least have a mushroom hat on! Mum is going to buy a sewing machine and get creative. So let me know if you would like to be a fellow 'mushrette' and mum can sort you out!
Does my colon look big in this? (picture of a mushroom! wouldn't let me paste)
Matt would also like to be dressed as a mushroom, or the very least have a mushroom hat on! Mum is going to buy a sewing machine and get creative. So let me know if you would like to be a fellow 'mushrette' and mum can sort you out!
We went to our first ever Thanksgiving celebrations today. Dolled myself up and painted nails bight turquoise! Keep getting a shock every time I see my hands but I'm sure I will get used to this new hobby! Food was lovely and it was great to catch up with Matt's colleagues. The biscuit debate continues- the American's have very different ideas about biscuits. The y call cheese puffs/scones biscuits where we always think of HobNobs or digestives! I feel this will never be resolved!
Dad has left today. Feel sad that he has gone and that isn't a sentence I expected to be saying anytime soon. I need to let bygones be bygones and start afresh.
Cast selection today- my sister would also like to play herself. My sister is the actress of the family. Very dramatic and she often won 'Oscars' for tantrum s as a teenager! In fact she won the Shakespeare cup 3 times in a row. "Lysander, Lysander, pluck this serpent from my chest" was a line I heard often from my little sister! My sister is the only one in the family with the acting gene. I was told by my speech and drama teacher that I should only do mime as my voice
was too common and my brother's staring role was a tree!
Back in the marital bed tonight!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Back to the ER
Day 14-Thursday
Feel better after a good night's sleep. We left mum at the golf club to have a much deserved glass of wine with dad. She came home drunk!
Woken this morning with a weepy scar. Looks gross! I suppose now the staples are no longer holding things tightly together, as I move in the night it stretches on the tissue. Not that I'm moving much in the night still! Can just about manage to roll onto my right side (after 10 minutes of shuffling!) but can't lie on my left for some reason. I say to Matt that I could probably sleep back in the bed with him tonight, as he hasn’t got work tomorrow, but he doesn’t seem that keen! Now why would you not want your wife with her weeping wound, temperamental tummy and fidgeting in the bed with you!!
So, yesterday….I met Dr W the fertility specialist. He is again unsure of the risk of my type of chemo on fertility but he is keen to do something to try to protect my ovaries. We talk about IVM which would be his first choice. This can't be done in Dubai so would need to go to UK or Canada. Not really an option when I am not going to be earning for 6 months! IVM sounds amazing though. They don't need to give you medication to mature your follicles. They just remove them at any stage and then mature them for you. Isn’t science amazing! He recommends that I have follicle stimulating injections for the next 2 weeks and then he will harvest my eggs. The harvesting would be done under a light general anaesthetic. He wants me to discuss this with my oncologist (sounds weird that I have oncologist- a sentence you don’t expect to ever have to say) and Matt.
I leave feeling stressed. Fertility is really something I do not need to be thinking of on top of everything else at this moment. Kinda feel like I want to bury my head in the sand. Do I put myself through extra stress and hassle for the next 2 weeks, plus another anaesthetic, to protect (or just potentially protect) my future children? Or do I just concentrate on myself? Will I regret not going through the procedure if I find out in a year that I'm infertile? Too many questions. He confirms the diagnosis of polycystic ovaries but it appears it is both ovaries. So the right one woke up and decided to join its friend!
Have lunch at a Lebanese restaurant. We order enough food for 6 and I am not even eating full sized portions yet. Well, I'm too full of ferrero roches! Randomly, to start they give us a basket of salad. Correction- salad components! The basket contains 2 whole baby gem lettuces, a whole green pepper, a lemon, bunch of mint and bunch of spinach! Very strange and we are not sure if this is a joke! Food is lovely and mum and dad love the hammour (local white fish).
People are staring at me in the wheelchair. You do not often see wheelchairs in public places in Dubai and you can see people checking you out. They start at your legs and slowly move up before giving you a sympathetic smile. They seem confused as the only thing that appears to be wrong with me is my horrendous 80's style bouffant bob that mum has given me today!
Now over to the American hospital. Dr Salti was a bundle of energetic positive joy and he always makes me smile. He involves you in your care and it feels like you make decisions together. He also gets me an immediate meeting with Dr K . Continues to surprise me how good the care is here. Everyone working together to make you the priority. Think it will be difficult to be treated anywhere else in the world after this experience.
Matt arrives in time to meet the oncology team. We have a quick discussion about the fertility options. I can see that he is not keen for the treatment. He wants me to have a restful 2 weeks preparing my body for chemo. Difficult because I am really in two minds.
The oncology department is empty. Their day should be over but they have stayed to meet me. My oncology nurse is great. Straight talking, very knowledgeable and from up north. It always nice to hear a British accent! She also reassures me that they will be monitoring any developing neuropathy very closely. She has a very positive determined spirit about her and I feel she is going to be just the lady to help me through this.
My initial thoughts of Dr K were correct. He has a strong calming influence about him that immediately puts you at ease. He supports his comments with research based evidence and this is how I work. Perfect. We have a long discussion about the stimulation of my ovaries. Dr K is concerned that there is an increased risk of renal thrombosis with stimulation and harvesting which would be adding to the risks of portacath placement. We spend 30 minutes discussing this but comments of "In Canada we would not advise you to harvest eggs", "I would tend to agree with your husband" and finally a more definite " my advice would be not to stimulate your ovaries" it is decided that we will not go ahead with any fertility treatment. It appears that the risk of infertility post chemo is lower than the risks of undergoing the fertility treatment on top of portacath surgery and whilst still recovering from major abdominal surgery. Decision made, and it was kind of taken out of my hands at the end. Always easier that way!
So for those of you who like details and looking things up on the internet, this is my chemo regime! FOLFOX- made up of Fluorouracil (5 FU), folinic acid (Leucovorin) and oxaliplatin.. I will receive all 3 when in clinic and then will be sent home with fluorouracil infusing for a further 46 hours. This will be done every 2 weeks.
As well as the side effects I have already discussed I will obviously be at an increased risk of infection. A temperature of over 38 degrees could become life threatening. So nobody with any germs is allowed to visit (Matt is insisting on hand sanitiser at the door) and we need to buy a decent thermometer!
So how do I feel? My life is mapped out for the next 6 months by drugs, blood tests and a likely rollercoaster of symptoms. Still don’t feel like crying but not as cheery as before. Easy to see why people suffer with depression when having chemo. However, I am not a depressive person and I refuse to allow myself to slip down that slope. I am temporarily allowed to feel sorry for myself but that’s it!
Dad is coming around early today to make me pancakes for breakfast. Pancakes are a family tradition on my dad's side. They are the best in the world and no one can know the secret measure of ingredients!
To perk us all up we are going shopping today, in the wheelchair. Mum is obsessed by the Dubai fountains and dad hasn’t seen the new Dubai. Spend the afternoon being spoilt! Mum and dad are stocking me up on home furnishings! Also get a thermometer and a baby's toothbrush as apparently I won't be able to brush my teeth with anything else due to bleeding sore gums.
During shopping I notice my wound is weeping and bleeding. Start to panic. Haven’t really done much- just sitting in the chair. Phone the ward and they advise I come back to ER for a check. So exactly 2 weeks later (minus 5 hours!) Matt and I are back where my story started! As we are called through the nurse says " I recognise you, you were the lady in the side room. How are you?" "Not too good" I reply. "Since I last saw you, I have had major surgery, been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and now my wound is bleeding". 'Oh" she exclaims looking horrified- don't think she was expecting that answer!
My wound is cleaned and dressed and Dr Salti is phoned. He is not concerned and I'm sent on my way. Panic over. I was starting to think I had internal bleeding as my blood pressure was only 89/65!
Now time to get home for my visitors. 'R' and her husband 'J' come round first. 'R' is a school friend from England and definitely a reason why I agreed to come to Dubai. We have been friends for 15 years and only had one argument! It was over a netball match and we didn't speak for 2 weeks, not a single word! The real test came when I stayed with her in Brighton whilst a student. My drink was spiked and I proceeded to take off all my clothes, walk around her flat naked and I was only able to talk by naming parts of the body!
They bring a lovely bag of goodies that Malika attacks at the door and breaks! It is 'J's birthday this weekend and I found him a great card today with 2 mushrooms on the front (OBVIOUSLY)! Thinking I may only send mushroom related cards in the future!
Neighbour 'E' and her husband 'M' arrive next. They were our dog walking friends until Malika attacked both of their dogs! It is great to see everyone and I feel very supported.
Malika is back to her old ways tonight. Barking at Matt whenever he comes near me! Maybe she can sense the weeping wound and is trying to protect me. Interestingly she doesn’t react when dad comes near me so she can obviously sense he is family.
Tonight should have been our English themed house party. Oh well, will save that for a later date. Maybe in January when it may rain to add to the authenticity!
Tonight's actor allocation- Bob Hoskins to play dad!
Feel better after a good night's sleep. We left mum at the golf club to have a much deserved glass of wine with dad. She came home drunk!
Woken this morning with a weepy scar. Looks gross! I suppose now the staples are no longer holding things tightly together, as I move in the night it stretches on the tissue. Not that I'm moving much in the night still! Can just about manage to roll onto my right side (after 10 minutes of shuffling!) but can't lie on my left for some reason. I say to Matt that I could probably sleep back in the bed with him tonight, as he hasn’t got work tomorrow, but he doesn’t seem that keen! Now why would you not want your wife with her weeping wound, temperamental tummy and fidgeting in the bed with you!!
So, yesterday….I met Dr W the fertility specialist. He is again unsure of the risk of my type of chemo on fertility but he is keen to do something to try to protect my ovaries. We talk about IVM which would be his first choice. This can't be done in Dubai so would need to go to UK or Canada. Not really an option when I am not going to be earning for 6 months! IVM sounds amazing though. They don't need to give you medication to mature your follicles. They just remove them at any stage and then mature them for you. Isn’t science amazing! He recommends that I have follicle stimulating injections for the next 2 weeks and then he will harvest my eggs. The harvesting would be done under a light general anaesthetic. He wants me to discuss this with my oncologist (sounds weird that I have oncologist- a sentence you don’t expect to ever have to say) and Matt.
I leave feeling stressed. Fertility is really something I do not need to be thinking of on top of everything else at this moment. Kinda feel like I want to bury my head in the sand. Do I put myself through extra stress and hassle for the next 2 weeks, plus another anaesthetic, to protect (or just potentially protect) my future children? Or do I just concentrate on myself? Will I regret not going through the procedure if I find out in a year that I'm infertile? Too many questions. He confirms the diagnosis of polycystic ovaries but it appears it is both ovaries. So the right one woke up and decided to join its friend!
Have lunch at a Lebanese restaurant. We order enough food for 6 and I am not even eating full sized portions yet. Well, I'm too full of ferrero roches! Randomly, to start they give us a basket of salad. Correction- salad components! The basket contains 2 whole baby gem lettuces, a whole green pepper, a lemon, bunch of mint and bunch of spinach! Very strange and we are not sure if this is a joke! Food is lovely and mum and dad love the hammour (local white fish).
People are staring at me in the wheelchair. You do not often see wheelchairs in public places in Dubai and you can see people checking you out. They start at your legs and slowly move up before giving you a sympathetic smile. They seem confused as the only thing that appears to be wrong with me is my horrendous 80's style bouffant bob that mum has given me today!
Now over to the American hospital. Dr Salti was a bundle of energetic positive joy and he always makes me smile. He involves you in your care and it feels like you make decisions together. He also gets me an immediate meeting with Dr K . Continues to surprise me how good the care is here. Everyone working together to make you the priority. Think it will be difficult to be treated anywhere else in the world after this experience.
Matt arrives in time to meet the oncology team. We have a quick discussion about the fertility options. I can see that he is not keen for the treatment. He wants me to have a restful 2 weeks preparing my body for chemo. Difficult because I am really in two minds.
The oncology department is empty. Their day should be over but they have stayed to meet me. My oncology nurse is great. Straight talking, very knowledgeable and from up north. It always nice to hear a British accent! She also reassures me that they will be monitoring any developing neuropathy very closely. She has a very positive determined spirit about her and I feel she is going to be just the lady to help me through this.
My initial thoughts of Dr K were correct. He has a strong calming influence about him that immediately puts you at ease. He supports his comments with research based evidence and this is how I work. Perfect. We have a long discussion about the stimulation of my ovaries. Dr K is concerned that there is an increased risk of renal thrombosis with stimulation and harvesting which would be adding to the risks of portacath placement. We spend 30 minutes discussing this but comments of "In Canada we would not advise you to harvest eggs", "I would tend to agree with your husband" and finally a more definite " my advice would be not to stimulate your ovaries" it is decided that we will not go ahead with any fertility treatment. It appears that the risk of infertility post chemo is lower than the risks of undergoing the fertility treatment on top of portacath surgery and whilst still recovering from major abdominal surgery. Decision made, and it was kind of taken out of my hands at the end. Always easier that way!
So for those of you who like details and looking things up on the internet, this is my chemo regime! FOLFOX- made up of Fluorouracil (5 FU), folinic acid (Leucovorin) and oxaliplatin.. I will receive all 3 when in clinic and then will be sent home with fluorouracil infusing for a further 46 hours. This will be done every 2 weeks.
As well as the side effects I have already discussed I will obviously be at an increased risk of infection. A temperature of over 38 degrees could become life threatening. So nobody with any germs is allowed to visit (Matt is insisting on hand sanitiser at the door) and we need to buy a decent thermometer!
So how do I feel? My life is mapped out for the next 6 months by drugs, blood tests and a likely rollercoaster of symptoms. Still don’t feel like crying but not as cheery as before. Easy to see why people suffer with depression when having chemo. However, I am not a depressive person and I refuse to allow myself to slip down that slope. I am temporarily allowed to feel sorry for myself but that’s it!
Dad is coming around early today to make me pancakes for breakfast. Pancakes are a family tradition on my dad's side. They are the best in the world and no one can know the secret measure of ingredients!
To perk us all up we are going shopping today, in the wheelchair. Mum is obsessed by the Dubai fountains and dad hasn’t seen the new Dubai. Spend the afternoon being spoilt! Mum and dad are stocking me up on home furnishings! Also get a thermometer and a baby's toothbrush as apparently I won't be able to brush my teeth with anything else due to bleeding sore gums.
During shopping I notice my wound is weeping and bleeding. Start to panic. Haven’t really done much- just sitting in the chair. Phone the ward and they advise I come back to ER for a check. So exactly 2 weeks later (minus 5 hours!) Matt and I are back where my story started! As we are called through the nurse says " I recognise you, you were the lady in the side room. How are you?" "Not too good" I reply. "Since I last saw you, I have had major surgery, been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and now my wound is bleeding". 'Oh" she exclaims looking horrified- don't think she was expecting that answer!
My wound is cleaned and dressed and Dr Salti is phoned. He is not concerned and I'm sent on my way. Panic over. I was starting to think I had internal bleeding as my blood pressure was only 89/65!
Now time to get home for my visitors. 'R' and her husband 'J' come round first. 'R' is a school friend from England and definitely a reason why I agreed to come to Dubai. We have been friends for 15 years and only had one argument! It was over a netball match and we didn't speak for 2 weeks, not a single word! The real test came when I stayed with her in Brighton whilst a student. My drink was spiked and I proceeded to take off all my clothes, walk around her flat naked and I was only able to talk by naming parts of the body!
They bring a lovely bag of goodies that Malika attacks at the door and breaks! It is 'J's birthday this weekend and I found him a great card today with 2 mushrooms on the front (OBVIOUSLY)! Thinking I may only send mushroom related cards in the future!
Neighbour 'E' and her husband 'M' arrive next. They were our dog walking friends until Malika attacked both of their dogs! It is great to see everyone and I feel very supported.
Malika is back to her old ways tonight. Barking at Matt whenever he comes near me! Maybe she can sense the weeping wound and is trying to protect me. Interestingly she doesn’t react when dad comes near me so she can obviously sense he is family.
Tonight should have been our English themed house party. Oh well, will save that for a later date. Maybe in January when it may rain to add to the authenticity!
Tonight's actor allocation- Bob Hoskins to play dad!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Day 13- Wednesday
13, unlucky for some but one of my lucky numbers. Hope this bodes well for the staple removal.
Well my tummy did not like the 'grape' champagne- must be all the bubbles. Up twice in the night to do a poo! Poor mum!
Have a great story for today. One I have been saving the whole time as I have been gaining evidence! We moved into our new villa in July. Since August we have had some spiritual encounters. Now, those of you that know me well, know I believe in spirits, angels etc. In fact me and mum sometimes went to a Spiritalist church back in England to hear the readings. I have had numerous readings over the years- most of them rubbish (told at 18 I would die in a red car so have not been in one since!), and one good reading from a medium that was communicating with my grandmother. Yeah right I hear all you skeptics say! But now I have the proof! Cousin C will be so excited by this story!
Dogs are meant to be more aware of spirits than humans and Malika is no exception. Malika is the greediest dog I have ever known and she would jump out of a window for food. However, one morning I threw some treats in her bowl, she ran over and then suddenly stopped. She was petrified. Dashing to the bowl, looking around and backing off. This went on until I moved her bowl to the other side of the kitchen and she ate with no worries. She had acted like someone or something was over her bowl and she was too scared to reach the bowl to eat. I didn’t think too much about it until a few days later she did the same thing. This time I had thrown her the end of the carrot as I was making dinner. It landed on the floor by the fridge and same thing. Crawling up to the fridge, eyes darting, backing off, trying again. I told Matt and he laughed it off- he is a non-believer. In fact, I took him to see John Edward, one of America's top mediums, in London. The show was amazing. Matt however thought the whole show was staged and all the readings had been 'placed'.
About a week later and I am in the kitchen and Malika runs in like a mad thing. She sits with her back to me but touching my leg not letting me out of the corner of the kitchen. Again she is looking around like she can see things I can't. This happens twice more that day and she spends time trying to hide under the sofa. At one stage, in a panic, she took herself to sit upstairs alone. She never does this. She is a needy rescue dog who likes to be glued to your side. Again I mention it to Matt- "maybe it was a fly" was his answer !?!
I have had two 'spirit' encounters both from my paternal grandfather. My granddad loved purple grapes, his favourite fruit. On the day of his funeral, one where I was doing a speech (OBVIOUSLY!), I decided to walk down the road to practice whilst flowers were being put in the hearse. I was upset and anxious and the next minute a cat runs out in front of me dragging a bag. From this bag rolls purple grapes into my path! Now come on! Even you none believers must admit this is strange! When do cats drag bags, and how many grapes have you had roll out of rubbish!!!
The second time was years later when my grandmother was dying in hospital. We had been called and told she may not survive the night so mum drove me to the hospital to say goodbye. As I am sitting alone in the darkened room speaking to my grandmother I felt a heavy hand press down on my right shoulder. Now my granddad was always heavy handed! I'm sure he meant to reassure me he was there waiting for his wife but I have never been more scared. I did not look round as I knew 100% he would have been standing there. Instead I ran out crying. I was so distressed mum had to stop on the A3 on the way home to calm me down.
So a few more days go by without any 'activity'. Then I come home from work one night and Matt mentions casually that he can feel some spirit activity and he has asked them "to do something to the water if they are there". He won't elaborate and I am confused. What has happened for him to feel like this.
The next day the answer arrives. We have a stand up water cooler. One with the big bottle of water on top. We bought it with the villa and it works perfectly. When I say perfectly I mean we fill up smaller water bottles from it and put them in the fridge. Matt, since not working in the summer, has become a scrouge! We are not allowed to cool the water cooler when we are already paying for the fridge to also cool things! He has been driving me mad recently with his stingy ways! I would come home from work in August (50 degree heat) and he is sitting here with the air con off trying to save money!
Anyway back to the story. The next day our water cooler breaks- the whole thing has leaked and the floor is soaking. I can see Matt is surprised and slightly alarmed. I don't think he expected 'them' to answer him and I am so cross he asked them to do something to the water. Why didn't he just say "leave a cupboard door open if you are here"?! We play around for a few days with new water bottles etc but it is no good. Every time the bottle is on there it leaks all over the floor.
We can't work out why we have 'visitors' and why I am not getting any feelings- only Malika and Matt. I am a little bit jealous! I often 'speak' to my relatives that have passed and I like it when I get 'signs' they are around watching me. Well, we nowknow what they were saying …."get your wife to the hospital, she has cancer"!
Again I hear you cynics saying maybe the cooler just broke! But explain this?....since being home we have re-tried the water cooler- hence the delay in telling this story, and it works perfectly. No leakage, not even a drop!
So thank you my guardian angels for watching over me and trying to get our attention. Next time can you write a message- may understand you quicker that way!
Slight dilemma over what to wear today. Haven’t worn anything but PJs or hospital gown for 13 days! Need to find something hipster-ish as can't have anything touching the scar. Decide on skinny jeans that mum has brought over from England. They haven’t fitted me for 2-3 years and now they are hanging off my flat arse. I have been desperate to lose weight but now this looks horrible. All the weight has gone from my boobs, bum and just above my knees! Need to get strong so I can exercise to get some muscle tone back. Takes a while to choose the right top as they are all swamping me and making me look like the cancer victim I am!
Put make-up on for the first time today and some perfume. Well, we have to look good for the lovely Dr S!
So anxious about my journey to the hospital. Concerned I may poo my knickers! When I need to go I have less than a minute to get there! Unable to hold and have no control. Sounds funny but may end up being reality. Consider taking some spare clothes just in case!
Been thinking of cast members for the Hollywood film again! Decided Matt will be played by Jude Law. Sexy but definitely balding! He seems happy with this!
Have more lovely flowers- 'smiley knee' bought some lovely tulips and 'E' a lovely new friend and neighbor bought an amazing bunch last night. Then this morning a gorgeous bunch arrives from my hairdresser. My hairdresser is great- I'm very fussy about my hair and was very concerned that when I came to Dubai I would have to fly home every 6 weeks for a trim! Mum answered the door to the delivery man naked in a towel! God she has a lot to learn about this country!
I have some lovely post-natal pilate patients and today 'Yummy mummy K' made me some soup and provided a bag of girly DVDs. So generous and thoughtful- I love my friends out here.
Just got back from the hospital. Saw the fertility expert, Dr S and Dr K the oncologist along with the lovely oncology nurse. Lots of information and this is suddenly very real. Feel slightly down and definitely burdened. Need to process all the facts and I will express my thoughts tomorrow.
A few dates for the diary- portacath being inserted on 28th Nov (opted for local anaesthetic with sedation) and chemo starts on 4th Dec. This means my second round will be on 18th Dec so hopefully feel OK for Christmas day. On a positive, I can now attend 'T''s leaving party next Thursday and therefore see all my work colleagues and I can make the rugby 7s!
Told Dr S about the blog and he was very keen to read and pass on to other patients. He also wants to be named as there is another surgeon Dr S and he doesn’t want him taking credit for the perfect scar. So, Dr Salti is the man who saved my life. If you ever need someone to remove part of your bowel he is the man for the job! Also, he wants to play himself in the movie as he studied Shakespear at College!
Oh, P.S. - didn’t poo my knickers and the staples coming out didn’t hurt!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Home Sweet Home
Home
The car journey is difficult. Never been more scared about being hit and my seat belt going tight. Very weird that Dubai is just as I left it. Mum is excited as she hasn't been to our lovely new villa yet.
Nice to be home. I slowly show mum around and so pleased I have no problem with the stairs. I do however have my first look in a full length mirror. Bloody hell! Not a pretty sight! Hunched over as hurts too much to stand upright. Skin spotty due to lack of my miracle camel face soap in hospital (for anyone with any skin issues try camel milk soap- it is amazing. Can recommend a good website to order from to!). Black shadows under my eyes from lack of eye cream and sleep (I have been religiously applying eye cream since the age of 21 and it appears all that good work can be undone with just 9 nights of bad care! typical!). bruises all over thighs from blood thinning injections. Sticky tape marks all over stomach and both arms. 3 grey hairs on the right side of my hair line- right at the front- no missing them. Black heads all over my nose from NG tube tape. Bushy eyebrows and definitely beginnings of a moustache- well at least its Movember! I have also gone down at least a cup size in the last 10 days of starvation diet. So over all pretty gorgeous!
But the most important thing. The scar. Let's look at it medically first- no blood, no pus, no redness or signs of infection – good. Cosmetically- I have to admit not too bad. I can see the surgeon has taken care and maybe with some bio-oil I can get away with this. Overall very pleased. Not pleased however, with the weird shape of my abdomen. Now I know it's swollen but it looks like I have swallowed an alien (again!). Random lumps and bumps! Oh well that should all settle in next few weeks and maybe flatten down again.
We have encountered a problem. Our sofa and both beds are too low for me to get onto. Don't fancy sitting at the table all night so Matt needs to fashion a device. He is very good at this! On our holiday to Maldives, where he proposed, we decided to pay extra for a romantic meal on the beach. Big mistake. It was soo cold and soo windy that he 'fashioned a device' out of napkins, breadbasket and candles to protect us from the cold. It didn't really work but we have some hilarious pictures!
Propped on most of our sofa cushions I relax with the internet. Decide to email my work colleagues to let them all know what is going on. I feel I want and need people to know the details because I am going to need all the support I can get. However, writing this email and seeing it in black and white I suddenly want to cry. Suddenly all those emotions come to the surface and I'm sad and angry this is happening to me. Doesn’t last long- 5 seconds maybe, as it is too painful for my tummy to cry! Oh well hold those thoughts until I have healed better! After 5 minutes I have slipped down and have to be hauled back up again. This is a two person job and happens every 5-10 minutes for the rest of the evening.
Mum is on full housemaid duties whilst being here so I have put in my food requests. My mum is not a good cook. We have always eaten well- meat/fish with veg/salad but everything is a little plain! I have had disturbing phone calls in the past from my siblings saying mum is making a chicken casserole out of Dolmio sauce! But tonight I feel just like basic home cooked food. We decide shepherd's pie is a good start as it's nice and mushy for me (still scared to eat whole food!). But what can we do? We don't have a shepherd's pie sachet! I tell mum to be brave and we can do it without the processed chemical flavours! After all I plan to be eating very well and healthily over the next 6 months. So armed with garlic, stock, tinned tomatoes and Worchester sauce dinner is started. Dinner was lovely and as a treat we had the best ever rocky road brownies from Spinneys.
Decided I will sleep with mum as Matt needs to get up for work and I still need help getting up in the night. Nice to have cuddly back!
Can't sleep. Start thinking why I have got cancer. I eat well (90% of the time), drink minimally (since trying to conceive anyway, before all my friends comment on me being a liar!), I don't smoke, I have never taken drugs (OBVIOUSLY!) and I am relatively fit. Well at school I was an athlete and then for the last 13 years I have gone from gym bunny to lazy arse hundreds of times! I don't take the good advice I give my patients and I definitely don't do all the good exercises I give my patients but overall I would say I'm healthy.
Day 10- Sunday
Wake up at 6am so I am awake to say goodbye to Matt. I think he is anxious he may get upset at work if people show him kindness. And kindness is definitely what the staff at CAS will show. Matt has lovely, supportive colleagues who have welcomed me into their fold.
The crazy dog is back from kennels today. Have missed her and looking forward to seeing her but worried she is going to be wild around me. The plan is mum will let her in and calm her down before she is brought in to see me.
Speak to one of best friends in the UK. Nice to hear her voice and I realize it is hard for my friends to be so far away. At the moment everyone seems to be more emotional than I am.
Have an extra worry today, my dad is flying to Dubai tomorrow morning. I haven’t spoken to or seen my dad since I arrived in Dubai last September. I won't go into the ins and outs but I have a lot of stored emotions around him. Has crossed my mind that maybe if I had resolved these inner emotions of anger, hatred, disrespect and hurt 2 years ago I may not have cancer today. I remember during my human biology degree learning about the links of stress and cancer. I don't know how I'm going to feel or act or what my plan is. The one thing I do know is that if I am going to beat cancer my body must be filled only with positive thoughts. All bad emotions have to be resolved or forgotten, some how.
Malika is home and she doesn’t disappoint! I can hear the chaos down stairs as she arrives! When she is brought up she acts differently with me. Is she pissed off to have been left in kennels for so long or does she understand I need space to heal?
My brother skypes today. We discuss his future colonscopy and then true to form he tells me about his other ailments! My brother is a little precious! He has 'sensitive' skin (ALL labels in the back of clothes have to be removed before wearing!) and tends to worry about his body. He and his girlfriend both think he is perfect and he likes things to stay that way! After reassuring him his 'dead arm' from a football tackle is nothing more than bruised muscle, he is happy to continue with his day!
Matt comes home from school and I am very emotional to discover his colleagues have made a collection for me. They would like me to spend the money on something nice, a manicure or facial. Overwhelmed by this gesture. What kind people there are in this world.
Matt and I have some alone time to discuss some of his concerns. He has written a list. That is a sentence I never thought I would write. When I first met Matt, organization was not a strong point! In fact I often say I don't know how he used to survive without me. We joke that he saved me from living in London (loved living with my best friend but was just becoming disillusioned with the city) and I saved him from himself!
I also have to ruin a surprise my brother in law and I have been working on. Matt is 30 next April (yep always one for the toyboys!) and we were planning for friends and family to come over for a surprise visit. We were both very happy with the way these plans were coming along. Friends that should have been coming this year had come up with their 'excuses' so they could come in April instead. Would have been the perfect surprise! I would really like to still make Matt's 30th special so if any of you would like to save up and come to Dubai in April please please do so.
Dinner- chicken casserole with no Dolmio in sight! Very tasty!
Day 11-Monday
Up at 3am with pain. Just can't get comfortable. Unable to roll onto my side so upper back and my heels (randomly!) are feeling sore. Might as well get up! Manage to shower myself today but still need help drying legs and putting on knickers- can't bend to reach down! Now which pair of PJs to wear today!
Decide that as won't be working for so long I am going to treat myself to some bright nail varnish. Have to have clear short nails for work so I intend to fully exploit this new found freedom! Just need to be able to leave the house to buy the varnish! Oh well, that will have to wait a few more days!
Dad arrives. Don't feel upset which is what I was expecting. Strangely it feels like I saw him last month. I suppose that's the thing with families.
Start to panic as by lunch time I have not done a poo or farted! Sorry for all this talk of poo but if colon cancer is going to become more recognised we all need to rejoice in our bowel activity. From now on, poo is always going to be on my agenda! But we must not forget that with me the pain and spasm in my abdomen were my early signs. My abdomen used to contort itself into terrible shapes when I was experiencing the pain. Poor Matt, I was forever saying "quick feel this spasm"! So, as well as discussing poo we should also be asking… "does my colon look big in this?"!!!
Have to give mum some house rules today. The air con is on with doors open and she seems to forget we live in a dessert with the amount of water she is using! I think she has done about 8 machine washes in the last 24 hours and she is throwing buckets of water on our patio to clean away the sand! Explain the sand will just come back and she needs to be sweeping it not watering it! God knows how much our water bill is going to be with her living here!
Pain continues today. Just really uncomfortable along the right side. I suppose that is the problem when codeine is not allowed in the country where you live and you are surviving on panadol extra!
Still need help up off the sofa but I can finally turn on/off light switches. With my tummy muscles cut I have not been able to stabilize my core enough to press those switches! At least I am supporting all the medical evidence out there that your transverses abdominus muscle is so vital for all activities! I feel this is a story my patients will be hearing for the rest of my working days!
Manage to skype my sister in Portugal today. She is in a dodgy internet café that sounds like she is sitting on a rail way track! Can barely hear her but good to see her face. We joke about the actresses we would want to play us if 'Did a mushroom save my life?!' becomes a Hollywood movie! Mum is dead set on the gorgeous Meg Ryan playing her until Holly points out that mum looks about 100 at the moment so maybe someone older, like Helen Mirren, may be more suited! Mum's poor face! Well I can't stop laughing, and laughing kills my tummy. It all gets out of control, I'm crying with pain and skype has to be turned off. Can't wait to heal so I can laugh and cry like normal.
Have now done 2 poos so panic over! I was warned they may be diarrhea for this first week but the second try definitely looks like a poo! Yay! Maybe all the ferrero rocher I am eating! Been a favourite since childhood and I feel I deserve a treat!
I have been thinking of hobbies I can take up whilst off work. My best friend from home has come up with a plan. Apparently quite niche but props are needed so I can't be told yet! Very intrigued. Please let me know of any ideas you may have. Remember I will be wearing gloves so no painting or knitting!
Liam Neeson has been my entertainer for the last 2 evenings. Love him as an actor and it is agreed by all in my house that he is the man you need in times of a crisis!
Day 12- Tuesday
Have finally caught up and today is actually today! So from now on just daily updates! God you guys are going to be sick and tired of me by June. My friends always moan that I'm terrible at keeping in touch so this will show them! They will be begging for some peace!
Want to add that I am overwhelmed by the comments and support I am getting for this blog. Keep using the word 'overwhelmed' and have just tried checking the thesaurus for an alternative to mix it up a bit, but no other words seem to cover it. I feel so supported and loved, as does Matt, and I can never begin to express in words how wonderful that feels. So thank you all .
It is a well known fact that I love the sound of my own voice so I can't believe I haven’t discovered blogging before now! At my parent's 25th wedding anniversary we had karaoke and I would not give the mic up! Same thing happened at our engagement party, oh and at my Hen party! Have a terrible voice but love to sing! Come to think of it I also like a speech- birthdays, anniversaries, funerals! I'm very versatile actually! And always available for hire!
Getting left alone for the first time today! Now I can get up from the sofa and walk on my own I am granted an hour of quiet whilst my parents go to the supermarket. Only problem is I still can't wipe by bum so let's hope I don't need a poo whilst they are gone! That would be just my luck -stuck sitting on the toilet for an hour! I have friends and colleagues that live locally who have said "anything you need, just ask". Does bum wiping count?!!!
Look at colon cancer on the internet for the first time today. Not keen to read personal stories yet incase they describe pit falls and set backs that I don't want to think about. Stick to good old Cancer Research Uk. When a student in London, I was once accosted by a skinny runt of a boy in Leicester Square on a rainy day who was working for Cancer research. To get out of the rain and on with my day I signed up for 3 pounds a month donation. I continued to pay until I left the UK last year. I sound like a cheapskate now but at the time this seemed sufficient! Not that I was a poor student! My friends joke I was the richest student on campus and one of the few who left not with debt and student loans but with money in the bank! The perks of working for the family business where your grandmother was in charge of the petty cash! Cancer Research Uk was my chosen charity and boy am I pleased with that.
Have a phone call from the fertility clinic in Dubai. Lovely Dr K has arranged for me to meet with their top guy tomorrow to discuss embryo harvesting further. I cannot believe the care and attention I am receiving from all my doctors. They are going above and beyond to look after me and protect my future.
Have had my first home visitor today so best PJs chosen! Just noticed they have a hole in the leg though! That's what you get when you buy Primark specials! You can't expect them to be worn more than once! 'J' came to see how I am doing armed with ice-cream! Cookies and cream my fav! Need to be careful with all these calories as I'm already on ferrero rocher number 5 and its only 3.30pm!
'J' recommends hiring a wheelchair so I can be taken out for walks. Send Matt to pick it up on the way home. Cheaper to buy so now I own a wheelchair! Poor mum, pushing me around is not going to be good for the old arthritic hands!
My brother skypes again. Can I have a look at the bite on his knee- he is a little worried about it!!!!!
'Smiley knee' comes for a visit. She is a patient who has become a friend. She makes me laugh for the whole of our physic sessions with her swearing and frank talking! She also wants me to mention how hard she works! She always brightens up my day with her 'fame-esque' clothing! Laughing is still not allowed- could be a problem!
Just enjoyed a lamb roast with sparking grape juice as my champagne! The first roast my father has ever cooked me- tasted delicious!
Staples out tomorrow. Feeling nervous.
The car journey is difficult. Never been more scared about being hit and my seat belt going tight. Very weird that Dubai is just as I left it. Mum is excited as she hasn't been to our lovely new villa yet.
Nice to be home. I slowly show mum around and so pleased I have no problem with the stairs. I do however have my first look in a full length mirror. Bloody hell! Not a pretty sight! Hunched over as hurts too much to stand upright. Skin spotty due to lack of my miracle camel face soap in hospital (for anyone with any skin issues try camel milk soap- it is amazing. Can recommend a good website to order from to!). Black shadows under my eyes from lack of eye cream and sleep (I have been religiously applying eye cream since the age of 21 and it appears all that good work can be undone with just 9 nights of bad care! typical!). bruises all over thighs from blood thinning injections. Sticky tape marks all over stomach and both arms. 3 grey hairs on the right side of my hair line- right at the front- no missing them. Black heads all over my nose from NG tube tape. Bushy eyebrows and definitely beginnings of a moustache- well at least its Movember! I have also gone down at least a cup size in the last 10 days of starvation diet. So over all pretty gorgeous!
But the most important thing. The scar. Let's look at it medically first- no blood, no pus, no redness or signs of infection – good. Cosmetically- I have to admit not too bad. I can see the surgeon has taken care and maybe with some bio-oil I can get away with this. Overall very pleased. Not pleased however, with the weird shape of my abdomen. Now I know it's swollen but it looks like I have swallowed an alien (again!). Random lumps and bumps! Oh well that should all settle in next few weeks and maybe flatten down again.
We have encountered a problem. Our sofa and both beds are too low for me to get onto. Don't fancy sitting at the table all night so Matt needs to fashion a device. He is very good at this! On our holiday to Maldives, where he proposed, we decided to pay extra for a romantic meal on the beach. Big mistake. It was soo cold and soo windy that he 'fashioned a device' out of napkins, breadbasket and candles to protect us from the cold. It didn't really work but we have some hilarious pictures!
Propped on most of our sofa cushions I relax with the internet. Decide to email my work colleagues to let them all know what is going on. I feel I want and need people to know the details because I am going to need all the support I can get. However, writing this email and seeing it in black and white I suddenly want to cry. Suddenly all those emotions come to the surface and I'm sad and angry this is happening to me. Doesn’t last long- 5 seconds maybe, as it is too painful for my tummy to cry! Oh well hold those thoughts until I have healed better! After 5 minutes I have slipped down and have to be hauled back up again. This is a two person job and happens every 5-10 minutes for the rest of the evening.
Mum is on full housemaid duties whilst being here so I have put in my food requests. My mum is not a good cook. We have always eaten well- meat/fish with veg/salad but everything is a little plain! I have had disturbing phone calls in the past from my siblings saying mum is making a chicken casserole out of Dolmio sauce! But tonight I feel just like basic home cooked food. We decide shepherd's pie is a good start as it's nice and mushy for me (still scared to eat whole food!). But what can we do? We don't have a shepherd's pie sachet! I tell mum to be brave and we can do it without the processed chemical flavours! After all I plan to be eating very well and healthily over the next 6 months. So armed with garlic, stock, tinned tomatoes and Worchester sauce dinner is started. Dinner was lovely and as a treat we had the best ever rocky road brownies from Spinneys.
Decided I will sleep with mum as Matt needs to get up for work and I still need help getting up in the night. Nice to have cuddly back!
Can't sleep. Start thinking why I have got cancer. I eat well (90% of the time), drink minimally (since trying to conceive anyway, before all my friends comment on me being a liar!), I don't smoke, I have never taken drugs (OBVIOUSLY!) and I am relatively fit. Well at school I was an athlete and then for the last 13 years I have gone from gym bunny to lazy arse hundreds of times! I don't take the good advice I give my patients and I definitely don't do all the good exercises I give my patients but overall I would say I'm healthy.
Day 10- Sunday
Wake up at 6am so I am awake to say goodbye to Matt. I think he is anxious he may get upset at work if people show him kindness. And kindness is definitely what the staff at CAS will show. Matt has lovely, supportive colleagues who have welcomed me into their fold.
The crazy dog is back from kennels today. Have missed her and looking forward to seeing her but worried she is going to be wild around me. The plan is mum will let her in and calm her down before she is brought in to see me.
Speak to one of best friends in the UK. Nice to hear her voice and I realize it is hard for my friends to be so far away. At the moment everyone seems to be more emotional than I am.
Have an extra worry today, my dad is flying to Dubai tomorrow morning. I haven’t spoken to or seen my dad since I arrived in Dubai last September. I won't go into the ins and outs but I have a lot of stored emotions around him. Has crossed my mind that maybe if I had resolved these inner emotions of anger, hatred, disrespect and hurt 2 years ago I may not have cancer today. I remember during my human biology degree learning about the links of stress and cancer. I don't know how I'm going to feel or act or what my plan is. The one thing I do know is that if I am going to beat cancer my body must be filled only with positive thoughts. All bad emotions have to be resolved or forgotten, some how.
Malika is home and she doesn’t disappoint! I can hear the chaos down stairs as she arrives! When she is brought up she acts differently with me. Is she pissed off to have been left in kennels for so long or does she understand I need space to heal?
My brother skypes today. We discuss his future colonscopy and then true to form he tells me about his other ailments! My brother is a little precious! He has 'sensitive' skin (ALL labels in the back of clothes have to be removed before wearing!) and tends to worry about his body. He and his girlfriend both think he is perfect and he likes things to stay that way! After reassuring him his 'dead arm' from a football tackle is nothing more than bruised muscle, he is happy to continue with his day!
Matt comes home from school and I am very emotional to discover his colleagues have made a collection for me. They would like me to spend the money on something nice, a manicure or facial. Overwhelmed by this gesture. What kind people there are in this world.
Matt and I have some alone time to discuss some of his concerns. He has written a list. That is a sentence I never thought I would write. When I first met Matt, organization was not a strong point! In fact I often say I don't know how he used to survive without me. We joke that he saved me from living in London (loved living with my best friend but was just becoming disillusioned with the city) and I saved him from himself!
I also have to ruin a surprise my brother in law and I have been working on. Matt is 30 next April (yep always one for the toyboys!) and we were planning for friends and family to come over for a surprise visit. We were both very happy with the way these plans were coming along. Friends that should have been coming this year had come up with their 'excuses' so they could come in April instead. Would have been the perfect surprise! I would really like to still make Matt's 30th special so if any of you would like to save up and come to Dubai in April please please do so.
Dinner- chicken casserole with no Dolmio in sight! Very tasty!
Day 11-Monday
Up at 3am with pain. Just can't get comfortable. Unable to roll onto my side so upper back and my heels (randomly!) are feeling sore. Might as well get up! Manage to shower myself today but still need help drying legs and putting on knickers- can't bend to reach down! Now which pair of PJs to wear today!
Decide that as won't be working for so long I am going to treat myself to some bright nail varnish. Have to have clear short nails for work so I intend to fully exploit this new found freedom! Just need to be able to leave the house to buy the varnish! Oh well, that will have to wait a few more days!
Dad arrives. Don't feel upset which is what I was expecting. Strangely it feels like I saw him last month. I suppose that's the thing with families.
Start to panic as by lunch time I have not done a poo or farted! Sorry for all this talk of poo but if colon cancer is going to become more recognised we all need to rejoice in our bowel activity. From now on, poo is always going to be on my agenda! But we must not forget that with me the pain and spasm in my abdomen were my early signs. My abdomen used to contort itself into terrible shapes when I was experiencing the pain. Poor Matt, I was forever saying "quick feel this spasm"! So, as well as discussing poo we should also be asking… "does my colon look big in this?"!!!
Have to give mum some house rules today. The air con is on with doors open and she seems to forget we live in a dessert with the amount of water she is using! I think she has done about 8 machine washes in the last 24 hours and she is throwing buckets of water on our patio to clean away the sand! Explain the sand will just come back and she needs to be sweeping it not watering it! God knows how much our water bill is going to be with her living here!
Pain continues today. Just really uncomfortable along the right side. I suppose that is the problem when codeine is not allowed in the country where you live and you are surviving on panadol extra!
Still need help up off the sofa but I can finally turn on/off light switches. With my tummy muscles cut I have not been able to stabilize my core enough to press those switches! At least I am supporting all the medical evidence out there that your transverses abdominus muscle is so vital for all activities! I feel this is a story my patients will be hearing for the rest of my working days!
Manage to skype my sister in Portugal today. She is in a dodgy internet café that sounds like she is sitting on a rail way track! Can barely hear her but good to see her face. We joke about the actresses we would want to play us if 'Did a mushroom save my life?!' becomes a Hollywood movie! Mum is dead set on the gorgeous Meg Ryan playing her until Holly points out that mum looks about 100 at the moment so maybe someone older, like Helen Mirren, may be more suited! Mum's poor face! Well I can't stop laughing, and laughing kills my tummy. It all gets out of control, I'm crying with pain and skype has to be turned off. Can't wait to heal so I can laugh and cry like normal.
Have now done 2 poos so panic over! I was warned they may be diarrhea for this first week but the second try definitely looks like a poo! Yay! Maybe all the ferrero rocher I am eating! Been a favourite since childhood and I feel I deserve a treat!
I have been thinking of hobbies I can take up whilst off work. My best friend from home has come up with a plan. Apparently quite niche but props are needed so I can't be told yet! Very intrigued. Please let me know of any ideas you may have. Remember I will be wearing gloves so no painting or knitting!
Liam Neeson has been my entertainer for the last 2 evenings. Love him as an actor and it is agreed by all in my house that he is the man you need in times of a crisis!
Day 12- Tuesday
Have finally caught up and today is actually today! So from now on just daily updates! God you guys are going to be sick and tired of me by June. My friends always moan that I'm terrible at keeping in touch so this will show them! They will be begging for some peace!
Want to add that I am overwhelmed by the comments and support I am getting for this blog. Keep using the word 'overwhelmed' and have just tried checking the thesaurus for an alternative to mix it up a bit, but no other words seem to cover it. I feel so supported and loved, as does Matt, and I can never begin to express in words how wonderful that feels. So thank you all .
It is a well known fact that I love the sound of my own voice so I can't believe I haven’t discovered blogging before now! At my parent's 25th wedding anniversary we had karaoke and I would not give the mic up! Same thing happened at our engagement party, oh and at my Hen party! Have a terrible voice but love to sing! Come to think of it I also like a speech- birthdays, anniversaries, funerals! I'm very versatile actually! And always available for hire!
Getting left alone for the first time today! Now I can get up from the sofa and walk on my own I am granted an hour of quiet whilst my parents go to the supermarket. Only problem is I still can't wipe by bum so let's hope I don't need a poo whilst they are gone! That would be just my luck -stuck sitting on the toilet for an hour! I have friends and colleagues that live locally who have said "anything you need, just ask". Does bum wiping count?!!!
Look at colon cancer on the internet for the first time today. Not keen to read personal stories yet incase they describe pit falls and set backs that I don't want to think about. Stick to good old Cancer Research Uk. When a student in London, I was once accosted by a skinny runt of a boy in Leicester Square on a rainy day who was working for Cancer research. To get out of the rain and on with my day I signed up for 3 pounds a month donation. I continued to pay until I left the UK last year. I sound like a cheapskate now but at the time this seemed sufficient! Not that I was a poor student! My friends joke I was the richest student on campus and one of the few who left not with debt and student loans but with money in the bank! The perks of working for the family business where your grandmother was in charge of the petty cash! Cancer Research Uk was my chosen charity and boy am I pleased with that.
Have a phone call from the fertility clinic in Dubai. Lovely Dr K has arranged for me to meet with their top guy tomorrow to discuss embryo harvesting further. I cannot believe the care and attention I am receiving from all my doctors. They are going above and beyond to look after me and protect my future.
Have had my first home visitor today so best PJs chosen! Just noticed they have a hole in the leg though! That's what you get when you buy Primark specials! You can't expect them to be worn more than once! 'J' came to see how I am doing armed with ice-cream! Cookies and cream my fav! Need to be careful with all these calories as I'm already on ferrero rocher number 5 and its only 3.30pm!
'J' recommends hiring a wheelchair so I can be taken out for walks. Send Matt to pick it up on the way home. Cheaper to buy so now I own a wheelchair! Poor mum, pushing me around is not going to be good for the old arthritic hands!
My brother skypes again. Can I have a look at the bite on his knee- he is a little worried about it!!!!!
'Smiley knee' comes for a visit. She is a patient who has become a friend. She makes me laugh for the whole of our physic sessions with her swearing and frank talking! She also wants me to mention how hard she works! She always brightens up my day with her 'fame-esque' clothing! Laughing is still not allowed- could be a problem!
Just enjoyed a lamb roast with sparking grape juice as my champagne! The first roast my father has ever cooked me- tasted delicious!
Staples out tomorrow. Feeling nervous.
Monday, November 14, 2011
The long awaited second instalment! Day 4 to Discharge
Day 4 continues……
Ok this all may seem funny now but at the time this was very real and very scary.
I'm taken to my new room 513 on surgical. The first problem is that I am hot. Now I don’t just mean "someone turn up the air con" I mean my body, and especially my face is on fire. I feel like I am going to explode with this heat and it is making me feel terrible. I demand to be fanned. Mum and Matt get to work with magazines whilst the nurses look for a fan. There isn’t one in the hospital, so with my heat increasing, Matt makes the 1 hour round trip home to get ours.
Now my mum has arthritis in her hands and carpal tunnel so this is killing her. Every time they stop I beg for more. The air con is now on its lowest, everyone is freezing except me. My temperature is taken regularly but there is no problem. Just going to have to ride this out. When Matt arrives with the fan he finds mum has fallen asleep, I mean really! And I'm still crying out to be cooled. Anyway the fan works, crisis 1 diverted!
Crisis 2- I discover I can't open my left eye at all and barely my right. When I manage a slit the room is scrolling down like a broken computer and everything is blurry. On top of that I am just not right. Can't put my finger on it but it's like I'm looking down on myself acting as a puppeteer instead of the person. Now I have had anaesthetic before but this is different. "Oh God, I have had a neurological event" is my thought. I lie there and check my body- I can move every part, I can think and I can speak but something has definitely happened. I think back to uni and try to work out which part of my brain could be damaged. Now, I am a rational, reasonably intelligent individual but at this moment I am 100% convinced I have had some type of stroke. And I am really scared.
I wait for mum to leave the room, no point worrying her just yet, and explain the situation to Matt. "Now, I have had some kind of neurological event. I need you to explain this to the doctors. This is serious and I want it taken seriously". His reply was to tell me it was just the anaesthetic and I am fine. The doctors were happy. I lie there in quiet outrage that he is not taking me seriously. I am scared but I am just going to have to hope 'M' comes to see me. She will know what to do.
Crisis 3- I am developing an altered personality- obviously linked to crisis 2! I have this intense aggression and rage towards everyone. Right at this moment I could punch everyone that speaks or comes near me. In fact if I could open my eyes and see them I might just have done that! Matt has a cold and he is sniffing in my ear. "Stop sniffing and blow your nose" I scream. I feel like if I had a knife I would have cut off his nose, no joke. "Will you two stop talking over me so I can get some sleep" when what I wanted to do was throw them both out of the 5th floor window! And when they respected this and started to whisper " How I am meant to know what you are saying if you are both going to whisper"! Leave me alone to monitor my neurological signs! Every nurse got shouted at and I told them in no uncertain terms that for 25,000 pounds I was disgusted that I had to bring my own fan! Now this was my new ward, with my new nurses, so they must have thought I was a darling!
Finally 'M' arrives. Everything will be ok now- CT head will be organized, full neuro assessment will be done and I will know the extent of the damage. Not quite! 'M' 'humoured' me with a basic neuro check, including making me smile to check for face drop, and reassured me it was just the morphine. Now I'm not sure about this. My aggression starts to boil and I think no one in the world understands me. However, I hadn’t considered the morphine. Maybe she has a point!
Ok had time to reflect and it's probably the morphine! I am someone that hates drugs. I mean really hates drug use. It makes me angry (even at non-morphine enraged times) and extremely upset. And if this is what taking drugs is like then I think people must be mad. I had just had probably the worst experiences of my life in the last few hours and some people pay for this?! I mean, I know I'm a control freak (I even hate it and begin to panic when you have had one too many drinks and the toilet cubicle starts to blur) but that was horrendous. Why would you not want to be in control of your own body like that? Anyway rant over!
Day 5- Tuesday
After no sleep all night I realize I can start to open my eyes and see. Ok so I admit it was the morphine and I am going to be fine!
Feel awful today. NG tube is making me very nauseous and trying to retch with 9 staples in your tummy is agony. Thank god for the catheter because I could not be getting out of bed today. I can't move on my own because of the pain and I am so weak as I haven’t eaten for 4 days that I can barely speak. I feel like death warmed up and I certainly looked like it.
Dr S comes to visit me. Explains that he removed a large section of my colon but that he was really happy with the surgery. He could not wait to show me and the nurses the scar. His best yet he proclaimed! And he had cut around my piercing so if I still wanted to act like a teenager I could! The section had been sent straight for testing and results would be within 48 hours. I asked the dreaded question, "in your experience what do you think of the tissue?" He refused to answer stating experience had told him never to speculate and always wait for results. At that point I knew I had cancer. Surgeons know what they have seen and would have a strong suspicion of diagnosis. I did not push him further and I wasn’t even disturbed by my thoughts. The aim- to get strong and be discharged and that was the only thing I was going to concentrate on.
Managed to doze throughout the day but probably the longest day of my life. My thoughts- this can only get better. Seem to be in a different world. Mum says I am acting like a zombie with 'dead' eyes. Can't engage, can't look people in the eye and staring straight ahead seems to be the only thing I can manage.
After my 'traumatic' night, and because I am sure the nurses are scared of me! I am given the 'employee of the month' as my day nurse! A lovely Irish lady, nurse 'C', who turns out to be not only a very special lady, and one I will always remember, but an extremely good nurse. She takes control, she explains every minute detail to me and I begin to see the tiny light at the end of the tunnel.
I am told the key to surgical success is the passing of wind! Apparently everyone will be asking me this and I will receive applause when it is achieved! Once wind has been passed the NG tube will be removed and the re-introduction of food takes place. Fingers crossed but so far no sign of any activity below my stomach!
The physio comes to see me today. Now I do feel sorry for them. In hospitals in Dubai some of the therapists only receive a year's training in their home country before coming over. I am seriously under-impressed. A small girl shuffles into the room and hands me an incentive spirometer (physio tool to help with breathing- no longer used regularly in the UK as has no research evidence that it actually works!) with no introduction she tells me to blow 10 times every hour. I try to remain calm and kind as I explain that I am a physiotherapist, I have been doing my breathing exercising and have mobilized around my room. And yes I am aware of the after effects of anaesthetic on my respiratory system. She doesn’t understand and says "please blow 10 times now". I catch Matt's eye and I know he is willing me to keep calm and just do as she asks. I do, but only to keep him happy!
My lovely flowers start to arrive today. The first bunch is from my husband, whom I have to apologise to after last night's antics. And then pretty much on the hour new bunches and arrangements arrive from work, Matt's colleagues, friends and my lovely patients. My room looks like a flower shop and the smell is amazing. Definitely helping to cheer me up.
Day 6-Wednesday
Results day.
Today I need to take my thyroxine. The nurse on duty gives me the pill, stops the NG suction for 30 minutes and tells me to swallow. Ok, no problem with that. I am great with tablets, no tablet too big! This is definitely not due to my mum's influence growing up. Mum is a nightmare with tablets. They go in and out, coughed up, spat out until they are finally crushed or chewed! She blames it on watching her father struggle with taking tablets. Last Christmas we went to Dominican Republic and all had to take malaria tablets. Every morning at breakfast we would be cheering mum on and so pleased when she managed to swallow the tiny tablet. She has recently confessed that once the cheering had stopped and we got on with eating our breakfast, she spat them out without us noticing! Lucky she didn't get malaria! My husband is the same! His technique is hilarious. He throws the tablet to the back of his throat, tilts his head back and proceeds to try to wiggle and shake the tablet down! I have tried to explain that it is not normal to swallow with your head in this position so no wonder it is difficult but he won't listen.
Anyway, I had not considered the large tube blocking most of my oesophagus. The tablet gets stuck! Really stuck! The nurse starts to panic and gets nurse C. Nurse C is cross- obviously I should never have been given my thyroxine in tablet form at the moment. After 25 minutes of discomfort and sipping water it passes. Great, now I am going to have a psychological issue with taking tablets too!
Thankfully Dr S didn’t arrive until the afternoon as I think I needed a little more time before I heard the results. Armed with nurse 'C' he breezed into the room with an air of positivity. I like this guy. He checks me over- "the scar is perfect, the healing is superb, you are doing better than expected but unfortunately the tissue sample came back with signs of cancer". He told me in the perfect way. Reinforced the positives and then got straight to the point. He explains he removed 24cm of colon of which 4cm was tumour, and 27 lymph nodes, of which 9 contained cancer. He "had a look around" and he was happy that he had removed all the cancer and my liver looked good. "I have operated to cure you and not for palliative care". PALLIATIVE CARE- when was that even in the equation.
Now I cry easily. Any sad film, every wedding, even when I watch people at airports. But I did not feel like crying. S**t I have cancer kept going round in my mind. So surreal, like an out of body experience (my second of the week!). I thanked him. He said he would send the oncologist to see me and he left.
Matt crumbled- physically and emotionally. Now my husband is a sensitive soul, a big softee and this is why I love him soo much. He cried 17 times on our wedding day! So this reaction I was expecting. I think he was the only one who hadn’t considered cancer, ever the optimist! I asked mum to take him outside and I sat quietly with nurse 'C'. Just kept repeating oh my god I have cancer. She was lovely. Strangely I felt completely calm. Matt however, was not doing so well. The stress had brought on a nose bleed and he sat huddled in the corridor surrounded by blood and nurses. At least I can predict what will happen in the future when I'm in labour!
Matt is now going into overdrive. He wants to leave Dubai, return to England, get a new job etc,etc. I think what he really wants to do is scream and never stop. I am not leaving Dubai. Dubai is our home, we are happy here. Yes we are a long way from family but we have really great friends here. I explain that cancer is just going to be a small part of our lives and we have to keep going around it. When I am better I need to be able to just step right back in and carry on. I need him to be my normality.
And so as I lie on the bed in my calm zombie like state the news got spread. We are concerned about telling my brother and sister. My brother is home alone and my sister is in Portugal with her boyfriend. They also need to be told that they will need colonoscopies in the next few months to check they are all clear. This is what upsets me more than anything and I feel like I have something that I may have given them. They don't deserve to go through the testing and have the constant shadow of colon cancer over them.
The day passes in a blur of best wishes and animal planet. For some reason animal planet is the only thing I can bear to have on the TV. I am watching but not seeing or listening. Just lying in my own little bubble. I tell everyone I don't want to think of the diagnosis now, I need to concentrate on getting stronger and out of hospital.
Decide I am a little bit in love with my surgeon. Liked him before but now he has saved my life, I love him. As a stranger a week ago, he is now the most important person in my life (sorry Matt!). I will always have an attachment to him. When I voice these thoughts, mum admits she quite fancies him too and Matt admits feelings of love and worship also! I have worked with great surgeons and watched them perform miracles from open heart surgery to hip replacements but it isn’t until right now that I really appreciate what these people do. I love my job because I can make people's lives better and easier. But they save lives everyday- how great must that be! A new found respect for surgeons! Especially Dr S as he is so humble and doesn’t come with the usual 'god-complex'!
Dr K, the oncologist, comes to meet me. He is a well presented chap with an air of calm authority about him. He talks me through the stages of cancer. I am stage 3 meaning I have cancer in an organ and there has been spread to the local lymph system. Stage 4 is where there is also cancer in another organ and he is happy this is not me. He tells me the name of the two chemo drugs he will be using and the likely side effects. They seem pretty typical with nausea, fatigue, vomiting and diarrhea. He also mentions neuropathy- tingling and numbness in the finger tips and toes. This is a concern. My fingers are my tool for work. My fingers are just as important as my eyes for helping my patients. He explains the neuropathy may be permanent but that during treatment I should wear gloves and socks and not handle anything cold. My chemo treatment will be active for 48 hours with a 2 week break. This will be repeated for 12 cycles taking 6 months. He wants to start in 3-4 weeks once I have recovered from surgery. He sounds like a man with a plan, a good sensible plan at that, and I am happy. Most importantly I trust him with my life.
Mum seems to be holding it together too. I think she guessed cancer early on too but we just hadn’t discussed it. Mum is going to stay for the whole thing. She will be my main carer for 6 months and this is what I need. I have only been married a year and I don’t want Matt to be dealing constantly with the horrible side effects of this treatment. I love my mum to death but I feel she may slowly turn me crazy!
Now I worry about work again. Dr K does not recommend people return to physical work during chemo. The symptoms are unpredictable and I need to be relaxed and not stressed. 6 months off work. Will I still have a job in 6 months? We are busy and my place will need to be filled. Can we survive on Matt's salary? I decide these are things that I cannot worry about. Savings are there for times of need and I will always be a physiotherapist.
On a positive note, I walk into the corridor today. Sounds minute but massive psychological goal to have seen outside my room.
Day 7- Thursday
Wake up stiff. This having to lie flat and keep still is hard work! Seem to be able to talk better today, my voice is no longer a whisper and I can lift my head long enough to gain eye contact.
Hang on a minute…..what is this I can feel? Yep I have passed wind! Celebrations follow! I boast to anyone that will listen that I have farted! Nurse C is thrilled and promises to phone Dr S at once. Word on the ward is that I have been the quickest patient to fart post op this year! What a result! Always knew I was destined for the top! My body is finally doing me proud! Now if I can just manage a few more the NG tube can come out.
'J' and my boss come to visit this morning. My boss is a doctor so handy to have around in a time of medical crisis. She heads out to grill the surgeon and make sure I am receiving the best care. 'J' has bought me a lovely hamper of things to cheer me up- nail file, hand cream, lip balm, massage wash mittons, sweets and a suduko book. She has even bought me a new diary to log all my treatment dates. I think 'J' and I are the only people left in the world who love a small diary instead of electronic ones! Their visit spurs me on and my boss reassures me my job will be waiting for me. I have been very lucky since arriving in Dubai. I found my job in my first few days of being here and my colleagues have become part of my Dubai family. Might as well add, that if you live in Dubai and require medical treatment, check us out at www.upandrunningdubai.com !!!!!!!
I have my first post op shower today. I know, slightly disgusting that I had waited so long but when you are fighting to stay alive against morphine you don’t have the energy to wash as well! Nurse C and mum help with all my wires and tubes temporarily disconnected. Feels weird being washed as an adult. Sitting there naked in front of a stranger, so weak you can't lift a body part to help. I apologized to nurse C because I'm sure she would rather be doing anything other than wash me right now. She reassures me she has seen worse- thank god for the cancer diet!
Dr K, my ob/gyn, visits me today. Very kind as I am not under her care at this hospital. She looks concerned and nurse C says she got quite emotional outside my room. So nice to realize people actually care about you. She is obviously concerned that the chemo may affect my fertility further. As colon cancer is most common in a slightly older population there has not been much research into how its treatment may affect fertility. She is going to look into it for me with a possible suggestion of harvesting an embryo. All depends on timing. At the end of the day I just have to be alive. Can't delay chemo just to save an egg- no good if I'm not around to use that egg. Putting this to the back of my mind but feeling positive that we will just adopt if that’s the way things go. Plenty of poor babies out there that need love.
After 14 more farts (!) I hear the good news that my tube can come out and I can start to drink. Nurse C is to do the procedure and I explain how neurotic I am and need to know every small detail. She is honest and it was unpleasant. Painful at the same time as making you feel like your stomach is being pulled through your nose . However, all over in 5 seconds. Lie quietly for an hour letting the nausea pass- do not have the energy to sit up and try to be sick.
Feeling very anxious. My own gut, that has been paralysed for the last 3 days since the op is now left to work for itself. Fingers crossed I drink and continue to pass wind but I have been warned the gut may get lazy and make me vomit. Matt arrives with 'pooh' the camel, a soft toy present for me to squeeze to bring me luck with my bowel activity.
Dr S is thrilled with my progress and says I am allowed soft food from tomorrow. All I can think of is mashed potato! He tells me all being well I can go home tomorrow after eating but I panic and ask to stay in another day! I have also noticed that mum gets dolled up every time we are expecting his visit!
Feel up to watching TV tonight which is positive. Still don't feel normal and it feels like groundhog day but I have achieved a lot today so must be getting better.
Day 8-Friday
Feeling better today. Get up early and have a shower. Just me and mum this time but she has to help me shave! Decide to get walking early to encourage my bowel activity and we bump into Matt as he is arriving. From the smile on his face I can tell he is glad to see me being more 'normal'.
And then I do my first poo! 'Pooh' the camel obviously did the trick! So scared and such a weird feeling but a good sign my body's recovering. Poor mum has to wipe my bum as I can't move my upper body in any direction without pain! Takes me an hour to recover after this ordeal- feels like I have run a marathon!
Dr S does his rounds and is very insistent I am recovering well and home tomorrow. I will see him in 4-5 days for the staples to come out. Now I'm hoping staples don't affect me the same way stitches do. I hate stitches- my biggest fear. In fact when my grandmother was alive and I was still a physio student I had a rather embarrassing experience. My grandmother had fallen and cut her head requiring stitches. I had the job of taking her to the doctors and holding her hand as they were removed. My 80 year old grandmother was lying there calmly, happily boasting about her grand daughter who was training at a top London medical school and who had watched operations to the doctor and the nurse. I took one look at the stitches (that had been covered until that stage) and fainted! It ended with me being looked after and having to get a cab home!
Matt has printed out messages from friends and family and it is lovely to read these. I am overwhelmed by the support and love we are receiving.
Dinner arrives and I have never tasted potatoes so good! I am chewing every mouthful to mush to try to help my gut and anxiety levels are high.
Still don't want to talk about cancer.
Day 9- Saturday
The day I never thought would come- discharge day!
Give the nurses and doctors cards and chocolates. They seem shocked but this is the norm in the UK. Difficult to write the cards. What do you say to the person who has saved your life? Feel emotional but weirdly still no tears.
Don't really want to go home. Worried what will happen if I become ill again. Also relying heavily on this amazing multi-functional bed that does the getting up for me! Once I leave this room my life is real again. Not sure I can handle that. Would love to stay locked up in here and pretend everything is fine.
I am leaving this hospital a statistic. If 1 in 3 of us will get cancer at some stage then I've done someone a favour! Taken a hit for the team!
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