Mum's last day

Day 209- Wednesday

The portacath site has been soo sore all night. Swollen and painful around the whole area. Had to sleep on my back or on my left side with my right arm resting along the length of my body. Every time I moved or Matt moved I got pain! The op-site plaster leaked during my shower so I had to change it. I have to say the scar looks very neat and straight- another good job by Dr Salti!

Been thinking what to do about my blog once I finally get the all clear. I think I will just write it when I have something I am worried about, or upset about or even happy about. It can almost be my therapist! Whenever I have a hospital appointment or scan I will write so everyone knows what is going on. But apart from those times I hope my life is going to be horribly normal again and therefore not that interesting to read about. The blog really has been my saving grace and I recommend that anyone in my situation should write a blog or just a diary. It has definitely helped me deal with my emotions.

Really feels like I am coming to the end of my journey now. Mum is all packed and leaving tomorrow, I have sorted out my medicine cupboard and put all my chemo medicines away and I have thrown out the gloves I needed to wear when the chemo affected my hands in the cold. The medium told me yesterday that I need to be really positive and deal with any emotional issues immediately to stop me getting ill again. Yesterday was the first time I allowed myself to say 'the cancer has gone and I am cured'. And although there is still a part of my brain saying 'hold on, you need to wait to see what Professor W thinks and what your PET scan shows next week' just thinking the cancer has gone has made me feel soo much better. I feel like I have a spring in my step again and that a weight has been lifted. Probably due to the portacath coming out as well. This is the attitude I need if I am going to remain disease free and live a happy life.

Going to really miss mum. There is no way I could have gotten through the last 209 days without her. She, along with Matt, has always remained positive. Sometimes this has not been what I want to hear. When people keep telling you that everything will be ok and you just feel like shouting 'you don't know that, stop saying that'. She has been not only a great physically support, looking after us all, but has helped emotionally as well. She has always been willing to listen to me moan, complain or just talk about my worries. It must have been extremely hard for her, having a sick child, but she always dealt with her emotions privately, remaining positive around me. I can never thank her enough for giving up her life and running to be by our side. I think she is going to miss Buddy the most so I will have to check her bags before she leaves incase she is trying to steal him!

I have work this afternoon and then Holly is coming round tonight for a farewell dinner. The next time I write the blog I will be a part time housewife again!