Cooking

Day 186- Monday

The egg swing chair is arriving today! Exciting!

Yesterdays talk with Dr K has made me feel a bit better about my future. We discussed plans for scans (every 3months for the first year, then 6 monthly, mainly monitoring with CT), having children (anytime after I have the all clear as long as I feel ready in myself), and who I call if I get a symptom. I know I am going to be neurotic about every ache or change in body function! He also suggests that the first 3 years is when reoccurrence is most likely to occur and after 5 years your odds are better. If I can only get through these next 3 years my future looks brighter. We also discussed the liver surgery, and although Dr K didn't say it in so many words, I understood that he was suggesting it may just be best to remove the black spot so it can be tested and we no longer have to worry about it. I think I agree with him. If that black spot is still there I know I will be worried about it growing once chemo has stopped.

Manage to do about 2 hours work on my patient handouts. Slowly coming together. I even feel well enough to make a salad for lunch for mum and I. Mum has painted our bedroom today so all jobs around the house are done.

Make dinner as well- a chicken curry. This is really good for chemo week. Normally I can't do anything. Diet is going well. Having between 1200 and 1500 calories a day rather than the 2000+ I would normally have! Feel really hungry today though so it has been a bit of a challenge. Especially when I am watching cookery programmes.

My swing chair doesn't arrive until 7pm so will have to put it up and have a go tomorrow.

Chemo out tomorrow! Yay! Then just need to flush it out of my system and get stronger and fitter.

Some bad luck

Day 185- Sunday

Wake up excited to have chemo. I feel positive and excited. Wear my new dress from c-bear and 'dad' as a little celebration. The oncology team are all happy it is my last session (think it is because they are genuinely happy for me and not just glad to be getting rid of me!) and everyone comes to speak to me. Then disaster strikes. My portacath stops working- they can't get any blood out of it so it may be blocked. I am rushed down to have a Fluoroscopy- where they put in a dye and get real time images of the portacath. Whilst we are waiting a lady starts talking to us who has just been diagnosed with a really rare condition where her body attacks itself. She was admitted with a severe stomach bug and then went on to have a heart attack and end up in a coma. She is now on a low dose chemo drug to try to treat the condition. I believe I met her today to remind me that other people are worse off than me and I need to remain thankful and positive.

There is a blockage at the end of the tube so the blood can't pass through and the dye is coming out of the side of the tube into a different vein. Initially the Dr doing the test suggests I may need the portacath out today and be admitted to have the chemo in my arm. I can't believe my luck. My portacath has been working perfectly and only last cycle the nurses were commenting on how good it was. We must have tempted fate! I only need the thing to work for one more cycle.

Anyway Dr K sees the scan and says he is happy to do the chemo this last time through my portacath as the chemo will still pass into my blood stream. I ask about the blood clot. The last thing I need is to do 6 months of chemo only to go and die from a heart attack! He assures me that it tends to be a blood 'film' rather than a typical clot that they often see at the end of the tube and not to worry. Oh well I have to trust him!

It is decided that the oxaliplatin (the drug that causes the neuropathy) will be stopped this time as it is now affecting my function. The good news is that this drug causes all of the nausea so I should feel better this cycle and I don't need all my anti-nausea meds. Here's hoping I have a good last cycle.

I hand out my presents- ties for the men, Korres beauty products for the women and chocolates for reception. 'R' the accounts man seems genuinely shocked that he has a present and for the first time ever he is speechless. Haven't mentioned him before but he is hilarious! He has great banter and always makes us laugh as we are paying the bill. He has also been a great help with chasing my insurance company so well deserving of a present.

Mum and I pop to Karama to buy Matt an end of chemo present. I get him a lovely dark brown Mulberry wallet as his wallet is getting a bit old. Also try on a pair of nude Louboutins but they don't have my size. Just as well as I have had a lot of presents this week! Save them for later in the month! Head to the polo club on the way home for lunch to celebrate. We are both very good and have fish and veg for lunch that was delicious. I want to pay as mum's end of chemo present but have left my purse in the car! Sorry mum!

I think we may have had another 'spirit' encounter today. Buddy, who is very spiritually aware, was staring at the wall near the water cooler barking and he ran over to Matt who was by the cooler and grabbed his shorts and pulled him away. Then a noise started and we didn't know where it was coming from. Matt gave me an end of chemo card yesterday that is meant to play a song when you open it but it is broken and doesn't work. I placed it on the TV stand and it is that that has started playing without anyone going near it. Once we worked out what it was it played for another minute and now it has stopped. Hopefully it is just the spirits saying 'happy end of chemo' and not saying 'the blood clot is going to kill you'!!

Yummy mummy 'K' comes round with little 'E' and brings an end of chemo gift- some candles that smell of cookies, mint chocolate and cherries, delicious! Very kind and I have had some lovely facebook messages and text messages from friends today. Appreciate that people are following my journey and supporting me from afar.

Watch 'Britain's got talent' with dinner. Ask mum what talents we have that she is proud of. Her answer…

"I'm proud of you because you help people, I am proud of Holly's language skills and Tom, well Tom is Golden balls so he doesn't need a talent"! Hilarious!

Got to love Chloe!

Day 184- Saturday

Just one day until my last chemo! Really can't believe the time is here. Never thought this day would come. May 6^th has been imprinted on my mind since November. Got all my presents ready for the oncology team.

One more bad week to go and then I can just start getting stronger and stronger. I pray that I will never have to have chemo again. It has been a real challenge mentally and physically, not only for me but for mum and Matt as well. We were saying the other day that we are like a little group and it is only the 3 of us who truly know what it has been like. Since Holly has been here I have been handling the sessions better so she never saw the low points, the tears, the severe fatigue, the sickness and the not wanting to continue. Mum and Matt have been there every step of the way to keep me going and to keep me strong, along with the oncology team.

My fingers have been really numb, probably constantly, for the last week. I am dropping everything and then finding it difficult to pick things up from the floor. I am going to speak to Dr K about stopping the part of chemo that causes the neuropathy. Becoming a problem now especially if I want to keep doing acupuncture.

Get home from work and Matt has bought me the navy Chloe envelope bag I have wanted. He had put in a big box and the dogs helped me unwrap it. So excited, I love Chloe! Maybe the hassle of chemo was worth it after all!

My final chemo player is the England goalkeeper- Joe Hart.

Spoilt

Day 183-Friday

Up early working out the calories of the foods I eat. As well as doing low GI I am going to try to eat around 1200-1500 calories aswell. Writing down what I eat, I realize that I eat good things but my portions are too big. So changes are starting today. Get on the cross trainer for the first time in 7 months and manage 12 minutes! Really pleased and I really enjoyed it. Just hoping my legs aren't too weak later.

Head over to Festival city to go to Ikea to replace the frame that was broken by the dogs! End up buying the egg swing chair that I have wanted for the balcony for ever. A villa by the pool has one and I always look on jealous! Now I can swing in my egg and read my book relaxing. Wrong time of the year to buy it, I will only be able to use it about 10 at night when it is cool enough, but never mind. Buy a lovely big lantern with a candle to go on the balcony with it. Perfect- trying to turn my balcony into a nice relaxing place as we can't use the sandpit for much.

Decide next to head over to Gold and Diamond park. I still need to spend my birthday money from my dad and I have my eye on a pearl ring. I am taking full advantage of Matt agreeing to come shopping with me as I know that as soon as I am given the all clear this will stop. He hates shopping and is only coming with me as I am 'sick'. This is my first time to Gold and Diamond park and I think it is my new favourite place. I love diamonds so this place is like heaven to me!

The first shop we go into I find a ring and earrings that I love. Matt starts the bartering- I hate this bit but I know it is expected. Decide to look around the other shops but end up returning to the first shop. I love my ring! Been thoroughly spoilt today and Matt tells me that he is getting me an 'end of chemo' present. This really is going to be the best week!

Holly is coming round for dinner tonight and we get lost in Dubai Marina mall car park again picking her up! Really is the worse design. She had a house party at her new flat last night that we weren't invited to! Correction her flatmate, the lovely 'D', was going to invite us but my sister said no! Apparently Matt and I are not cool enough and too old! Charming!

Finish the evening with a lovely walk around the lake with the dogs. Lovely because we don't meet any other dogs and therefore Malika is well behaved! My legs feel fine so going to try the cross trainer again tomorrow.

Today's quote- 'It's not the years in your life that count, It's the life in your years'.

Fat pig

Day 182- Thursday

Holly's apartment is lovely. Although mum and I got lost getting out of Marina Mall car park and ended up driving around in a circle. Took us 20 minutes from leaving the front door to go past the door again in our car! Not fun late at night when you are tired!

Today started well and has progressed into a horrible day.

Work was good and had a meeting about my return to work that went well. I got invited to an emirati wedding tomorrow night. Really excited and it is brilliant to be invited. I have a few dresses that should still fit that I will try on later.

Got home and took mum on the Visa run to Oman. When we got to the border their system was down so we had to wait 45 minutes. Lovely in 43 degree heat! Then we got two flat tyres! So had to stop at the first garage to get them changed only to be told that actually all four need to be changed. Great! So basically I worked this morning to pay for new tyres! We did have a laugh at the border coming back though. The policeman looked at mum's passport and asked if it was me. I said no it is her passport pointing to mum, and he looked at her then the photo and said "Oh you look much younger in the picture!" It was only taken 3 years ago! She blames me and cancer for aging her!

Stop for Indian on the way home at the Mall near where I used to live. My favourite mall but it was packed tonight. Get home and Buddy has eaten my new flip flops I bought yesterday and smashed a picture that was going up on the lounge wall!

Find the wedding dresses I can wear in the wardrobe and I have about 6 to choose from. Then I try them on………….not one of them fits me, even the bigger ones! And they don't just not fit me, mum can't do them up by about 2 inches! I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I knew I had put on weight, being a couch potato will do that to you, but I didn't realize the situation was this bad. When I get my life back in a few weeks I am going to have nothing to wear unless I sort myself out. So as of tomorrow the diet really does START. No excuses and no cheating. Matt and I are staying in a hotel for the night in two weeks and I need to have lost enough weight so I actually have something to wear. Can't go to the wedding tomorrow, which I am upset about, but it is my own stupid fault. Refuse to buy a dress in a size bigger.

So tonight I am going to bed depressed and fat.

A naughty lunch

Day 181- Wednesday

Head out to the mall for the first time on my own in nearly 7 months! Mum isn't very well and obviously Matt can't leave the house either and I didn't fancy another day on the couch. With no one to tell me "sugar feeds cancer" I have a Cold Stone Creamery ice cream for lunch followed by a bag of sweets! I spend two hours having a slow walk around and I buy myself two day time dresses, a pair of shoes for mum, a skinny tie for Matt and a top for Holly. A selfless shopper!

Don't feel anxious anymore being on my own which is just as well as within a month I will be on my own in the daytime after mum leaves. After two hours though I am physically exhausted. My brain would like to keep shopping but my legs can't take another step. They better improve quickly because I am a girl that likes to spend days shopping not just a few hours!

Was thinking about Malika and how she acts completely differently around me these days. Before my surgery she would growl at Matt if he came near me too fast or if I was sitting at a lower height and he approached me. She was really protective of me and constantly wanted my attention. We thought it was just because she was a rescue dog and she saw me as her main owner. Now I'm thinking she could sense something was wrong with me and was therefore more protective. Since my surgery she hasn't worried about Matt approaching me or being near me and she isn't clingy at all now. In fact she isn't really fussed with me anymore, she is more of a daddy's girl. Hopefully that means I'm disease free.

Mum and I are going round to have dinner with Holly tonight. It will be the first time I have seen her flat so I'm very excited. Can't be out too late though as it is work tomorrow.

Day of rest

Day 180- Tuesday

Good week insomnia returns! Went to bed at midnight and up at 6.30! Soo tired but my brain is running on overdrive. Going to be a long day. We agreed that after our busy afternoon yesterday we would have a day of rest today. I need to start doing these patient handouts! Been putting it off and I don't know why as I love doing stuff like this. Hopefully once I start today I will get in the flow.

Paint my toe nails yellow from my new set and do a french manicure with my nails. Anything to avoid working! We also wash Malika. As it is so warm we wash her outside with a hose. Buddy stands cautiously watching from inside the house. Mum has been busy all day too making cushions! There is a rush to get all the jobs done now before she leaves!

Now for an early night!

Today's quote- 'time is measured in minutes, life is measured in moments'.