I'M IN REMISSION

Day 217- Thursday 7^th June  2012

The day I get the all clear! I'M IN REMISSION officially and no spread anywhere else so still stage 3.

I am finally cancer free…………….now just need to stay this way. No more hospital visits or scans until the end of August- freedom!

So happy I am numb. Don't know whether to laugh, cry or dance around. Champagne is in the fridge and celebrating with a few friends coming round for lemon and chocolate cake!

I would like to thank everyone for their support and love, it has kept me going, and to all the staff who have helped me at American Hospital, thank you for keeping me alive!

Need to let the good news sink in so will write more tomorrow.

nothing to report

Day 216- Wednesday

'normal' day- exercise and work!

The doctor who can read my scan is off sick so will get results tomorrow. Everyone is texting and messaging me about my results, should I be more anxious?

Another PET scan

Day 215-Tuesday

Off for my PET scan. The whole process is rather boring- get injected with radioactive glucose, lie in a bed for an hour, then lie on the scanner for 30 minutes. They are not scanning my brain as apparently MRI is better for that, so will have to see what happens to my symptoms to see if that is going to be necessary. The results will be ready for tomorrow lunchtime. If I am all clear then I won't need to be at the American hospital until the end of August, that’s nearly 3 months hospital free!

Spend the afternoon by the pool. Lovely and relaxing. I have to try to avoid being too close to all the children as I am radioactive for 8 hours!

Cook spaghetti bolognaise tonight and I manage the whole meal on my own!

Worst cook

Day 214- Monday

Woken at 6am by Buddy and can't get back to sleep. Decide to get up and do the cross trainer and some pilates. My plan is to organize a routine to follow, working on different areas each day. Need to be strict now as I have less than 2 months until we are back in England. Still too fat to fit into any of my dresses so need to buy a new one today as we are going to Matt's school's party next weekend.

Meet yummy mummies 'D' and 'J' for lunch. Can't believe how much baby 'G' and 'A' have grown. Both very well behaved and adorable. Nice to hear other people's news and not just talking about myself!

PET scan tomorrow so I am on a no carbohydrate diet today and all I can think about is cake! Tomorrow is my last scan for the time being. I am being scanned head to toe as I have made such a fuss about the pins and needles in my hands and feet!

My second attempt of cooking dinner fails- I drop the chicken on the floor as I get it out of the oven and have to start again! Need to remember how to cook!

Jubilee

Day 213- Sunday

Yet another bad night with Buddy. He has us both up at 1.30am with his barking, and then again at 6! He is driving us mad! We need to somehow get him to sleep out of our room and not barking in the middle of the night because he is bored. We need mum back!

Trying to watch some Jubilee celebrations but our TV keeps breaking. England looks very gloomy and wet. Typical bank holiday weekend weather.

Busy day at work…

My car arrives

Day 212- Saturday

We have a terrible night with Buddy. We keep him off the bed but he wakes every hour or so and starts to play or wash himself. This doesn’t disturb Matt but wakes me every time. Eventually, at 6am, he is up for the day so I have to get up to let him out in the garden and feed him. Get back into bed and the barking starts. We both spend the next few hours getting up and down to sort him out. Matt gives in and gets up to walk them. I remain in bed to try and get another 30 minutes!

 Matt wakes me with the best news. Professor W from Newcastle has emailed us. He reports they can still see the small spot on my liver but he thinks it is benign! It fact he writes….'At the moment we don't think Laura has ever had secondary spread of colon cancer to her liver'. He wants to see my scans in 4-6 months time to see if anything changes with me being off chemo. So for now the best news. Now I just need my PET scan to be clear on Tuesday and I am on my way!

Then we get even more good news- my car is ready, finally! Matt picks it up and drops it off at work for me. So excited! I love it! In the end the mistake didn't cost us too much. We just had to pay the difference to get the 2013 model which comes with power steering as standard. It drives like a dream and looks so cute!

After work I can't be bothered to cook so I meet Matt at the golf club for curry night! Really delicious Indian buffet and Matt gets to watch England! This could become a regular Saturday thing!

Meeting Cookie

Day 211- Friday

We didn’t know what to do with Buddy last night. We decide he can sleep in our room in case he misses mum. He ends up jumping on our bed after an hour and when I try to move him he whimpers. I feel sorry for him so he spends the night at the bottom of the bed and I spend the night with my legs bent up! Can't have this again!

Had a great time last night. Sat talking to a group of pregnant women. Feel sad as this should have been me. Hard feeling to describe. I am not jealous, the opposite, I am really happy for them but I feel so disappointed that cancer got in the way of me being in this position. My life has been off track and I am not where I wanted to be. We can't even think about babies anytime soon. We need to build up our savings again, really wait for me to be in remission and get through my next set of tests in 3 months time, and then see how the chemo has affected my fertility. So I need to be patient and just enjoy this independence before, hopefully, we become parents.

Today we pop along to watch one of Matt's student in a gymnastics competition . I really enjoy it and can't believe what these little girls can do. Then we head over to see 'R' and 'J' and I get to meet Cookie, their gorgeous cat, for the first time. I was told to stay away from kittens whilst on chemo so I never got to see him when he was small enough to fit into a hand. Now he is a huge fur ball who loves to chase the laser light!

We decide to have a movie night. It is really strange getting use to a quiet house! No mum talking throughout the film!

Goodbye mum

Day 210- Thursday

Have a little cry last night as I am sad mum is going. I know I should be excited about getting my life back but I just feel sad. Feels like the end of an era. Matt thinks this is normal because for the last 8 months everyone's focus has been on me and taking care of me. Now it's just up to me and my body to get on with it. A daunting thought.

Really sad saying goodbye to mum this morning. Can't cry to much as heading to work. After work I head to the pool with my magazine. Spend a lovely 3 hours by the pool. I am reminded how great it is to live in Dubai. It feels like I am on holiday.

Today is my first time making dinner. I plan chicken salad- mum has already cooked the chicken so should be easy! However disaster strikes as the fridge temperature is too low and the chicken is rock hard and nearly frozen! I only discover this once I have made and plated the salad! So dinner is just plan salad! Matt is not impressed and has to make himself a jacket potato. Oh well, things can only get better!

Now we are off to 'M' and 'E''s house warming party.

Mum's last day

Day 209- Wednesday

The portacath site has been soo sore all night. Swollen and painful around the whole area. Had to sleep on my back or on my left side with my right arm resting along the length of my body. Every time I moved or Matt moved I got pain! The op-site plaster leaked during my shower so I had to change it. I have to say the scar looks very neat and straight- another good job by Dr Salti!

Been thinking what to do about my blog once I finally get the all clear. I think I will just write it when I have something I am worried about, or upset about or even happy about. It can almost be my therapist! Whenever I have a hospital appointment or scan I will write so everyone knows what is going on. But apart from those times I hope my life is going to be horribly normal again and therefore not that interesting to read about. The blog really has been my saving grace and I recommend that anyone in my situation should write a blog or just a diary. It has definitely helped me deal with my emotions.

Really feels like I am coming to the end of my journey now. Mum is all packed and leaving tomorrow, I have sorted out my medicine cupboard and put all my chemo medicines away and I have thrown out the gloves I needed to wear when the chemo affected my hands in the cold. The medium told me yesterday that I need to be really positive and deal with any emotional issues immediately to stop me getting ill again. Yesterday was the first time I allowed myself to say 'the cancer has gone and I am cured'. And although there is still a part of my brain saying 'hold on, you need to wait to see what Professor W thinks and what your PET scan shows next week' just thinking the cancer has gone has made me feel soo much better. I feel like I have a spring in my step again and that a weight has been lifted. Probably due to the portacath coming out as well. This is the attitude I need if I am going to remain disease free and live a happy life.

Going to really miss mum. There is no way I could have gotten through the last 209 days without her. She, along with Matt, has always remained positive. Sometimes this has not been what I want to hear. When people keep telling you that everything will be ok and you just feel like shouting 'you don't know that, stop saying that'. She has been not only a great physically support, looking after us all, but has helped emotionally as well. She has always been willing to listen to me moan, complain or just talk about my worries. It must have been extremely hard for her, having a sick child, but she always dealt with her emotions privately, remaining positive around me. I can never thank her enough for giving up her life and running to be by our side. I think she is going to miss Buddy the most so I will have to check her bags before she leaves incase she is trying to steal him!

I have work this afternoon and then Holly is coming round tonight for a farewell dinner. The next time I write the blog I will be a part time housewife again!

A great day

Day 208- Tuesday

Let's start with the good news- my MRI no longer shows the black dot on my liver. This needs to be confirmed by Professor W at Newcastle but the best possible results we could have had today. Thank you for your love, prayers and messages of support.

Went to a medium again today- a different lady. She was amazing and picked up on my health issues. The good thing is she repeated lots of what the other medium said. She was really good with names and named mum, dad and my grandmother who has passed. She said I am cured of cancer and will go on to a have a family. She even brought up the water cooler! Felt really positive after the reading and she recommended  a self help book that Holly has read and said was really good. Mum had a reading too and hers was good also. Was also an excellent distraction from thinking about my portcath.

I am a nervous wreck by the time I turn up for my appointment with Dr Salti. I am not in his 'office' but a room opposite that has a proper bed in it! I question him about the vein, apparently it closes once the tube is removed, and we get started. The local anaesthetic injection hurts- an intense stinging bordering on pain. He goes in quite deep and all around the portacath. The rest of the procedure is pain free but the pushing and pulling is intense. You can feel your skin being pulled around and it feels like your insides are being pulled out through a small hole. It is over quickly though- less than 10 minutes. Apparently I had a lot of scar tissue around the portacath. Relieved that it is out and just as we finish Dr K arrives with the good news.

Had a celebratory dinner on the way home. The incision is starting to throb now so need a paracetamol. Feel really happy but don't feel like celebrating too hard. The news is good but it needs to be confirmed so holding back a little. Feel comforted by what the medium said and this is the first step in proving she is right. All in all a great day!

Important MRI

Day 207- Monday

Big day today- MRI time. Wake early as I am too nervous to sleep. This scan will tell me if I am in remission or whether I am stage 4 with spread to my liver. Big deal. I almost forget the procedure, injection of contrast material and then noisy machine, as I am just thinking of the results. Fingers crossed everyone.

Once I have my CD I am sending it straight to Newcastle for my surgeon to review. Dr K will roughly be able to tell me if the small black dot has changed. If it has that surgery is likely so it can be tested properly. So hopefully by tomorrow I will have an idea of what my next month entails. So glad we get results quickly out here, I would hate to be in the UK and having to wait 1-2 weeks.

From the hospital, mum and I are going to Karama to buy some presents and then to the supermarket for a big stock up. Tonight we are meeting Holly to see Men in Black 3. Trying to keep busy so I don't think of the results and I don't think about the portacath removal tomorrow! Porthacath removal should be a joyous day but I am just worried about bleeding to death on Dr Salti's office floor! Anyway let's deal with today before I worry about tomorrow!

A message from mum

Day 206- Sunday

Work today! Feel tired by the time I leave with upper back stiffness, so unfit!

Mum has written something for the blog as it is her last week…

I'm off home in a few days, back to boring England! It has been a hard seven months, a real rollercoaster of emotions. I've had some of the worst times of my life here. Hearing the Doctor say that your child has cancer is hard enough but watching her go through six months of grueling chemo with all the awful side effects is heartbreaking. But as a mum it was my job to keep her positive and upbeat, even when I felt like running and never stopping. What do you say when your much loved firstborn makes you promise that you won't let her die a slow painful death, if chemo doesn't work. You tell her she will be fine and promise that you will take her to that clinic in the Swiss village. I now fully understand how those families help their loved ones who choose that route.

I've also had some of the best times here. Dubai is something else. Like Venice it's a place that everyone should visit. The day Dr Salti told us the spots on her liver were not as bad as they all thought, that chemo was working and she could start it again. So in a few days her odds went from 10 to 70% of the cancer not coming back. Thank god Derek, Sue and the girls were here. I really needed them! Hope it hasn't put them off Dubai, Karama wants them back! Christmas was great, Tom and Holly were here and Laura was in great form. Xmas lunch at the Westin came complete with Santa on a camel!! We could even laugh at Tom's colonoscopy. He was so funny! We loved watching them swimming with the dolphins especially when the dolphin refused to kiss Tom! Looking back I think we have laughed more than we have cried. I know Laura did when I arrived back from a break in England sporting a new haircut. That got her through chemo that day!

Buddy has been a great distraction as has Holly moving here. They have at times driven me mad. Buddy thinks I'm a dog so he's either biting me or trying to hump me! Holly's life is full of drama, she has kept us all amused! We have even managed to laugh at Laura's hair loss! I now just blow dry it so she looks like a relic from the 60s! nice bouffant! Not forgetting poor Matt, he's had to put up with a Monster-in -law! One who has completely taken over. I would like to thank him for letting me take centre stage in Laura's care, I couldn't have watched from the sidelines.

So I cooked, ironed, painted, sewed and cleaned. God how I've hated the cooking! I'm terrible at it. And as Laura wouldn't eat red meat it was chicken every night! I'm never ever going to open a Jamie Oliver cookbook again. Even he ran out of ways to cook a bloody chicken!!! Funny thing is that whenever we ate out we all seemed to pick a chicken dish!

The best thing by far that Laura did was write her blog. From day one it has given her a reason to get up. We have spent many a day laughing about who will play who in the film of the blog. As long as George Clooney played my love interest and Rod Stewart sung the sound track I was happy! Even on her really low days she wrote a few lines or got Matt too, then she would moan at him that it wasn't up to scratch!

I can't believe how much love and support she has received. All your messages have kept her going. Every morning when she turns her laptop on there are messages .So I want to thank each and everyone of you. Her friends here in Dubai have been amazing and her patients have been unreal. Where else in the world would you have patients coming to visit you in your home, bringing flowers, cakes, shoes and even letting you use their driver on chemo days!! Everyone has been such a good friend to her. They have made me feel so welcome, letting me join them for nights out and brunches, even after I got hammered and disgraced myself at one of them! Everyone has gone the extra mile, literally in some cases with the run in Jan. I feel happier leaving her knowing that you will all keep an eye on her for me. Friends and family everywhere have been great. Cancer certainly shows you who your friends really are. Matt calls them chips down people!

Laura's cancer has shown us all what's important in life. Don't waste your life moaning about what you haven't got, be happy with what you have. Easy to say but you never know what's around the corner.

It's going to be really hard to leave here, especially now that Holly is living here. But I leave knowing Laura is once again well and can get on with living her life. She has been so brave, I'm so proud of her. It will be hard for her not to worry about every little pain but she's a strong girl so will cope ok. Holly is really happy living in the Marina, she has an amazing view to wake up to every day. Earning lots of Dirhams and living with a great flat mate.

So I'm going home fatter (bloody Dubai food!), looking and feeling 50 years older! (Oil of Ulay doesn't work, 9 out of 10 women are wrong!) The girls say I'm too brown, looking a bit like leather was their expression. Madge from Benidorm series another!! I'm looking forward to catching up with family and meeting my new great niece, Poppy. Not to mention seeing golden balls as matt calls Tom! Sadly I failed to meet a rich sheikh to whisk me away, so it's back home to join Match.com!!

 P.S Matt has told me they are moving soon and that he will post me their new address…but they don't have a postal service here.......

And mum's song choice for today…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WU8X4tgIBXw

The return to work

Day 205- Saturday

Today is the start of my first full week back at work. I'm excited but going to miss the luxury of doing as you please, when you please!

Mum has packed her clothes today. Going to be really weird without her here. Mum is always here if I want to talk about cancer or the last 7 months. Her and Matt are the only people that understand what it has been like day by day, the emotional and physical highs and lows. I feel slightly anxious about having time on my own. Trying to book my free days up with lunches so I have a routine. I think if I have too much time on my own sitting around that I may start to find problems that aren't there and wind myself up. It is also going to be strange, and quiet, with just the two of us here. Almost need to get used to being a married couple again. And there is the issue of housework and cooking!

Not much to report for today- work, cross trainer and an evening relaxing in front of the TV!

Pool day

Day 204- Friday

Lovely day today. The  weather is cooler and there is a breeze. Decide to spend the day by the pool. Take full advantage of being in the pool because on Tuesday when the portacath comes out I won't be able to go in the pool for a week or so.

Head out to have dinner and go to the cinema with mum, Holly and 'D'. Holly and 'D' arrive with matching plaits! We watch 'What to expect when you are expecting'. Really good film, really funny.

Have broken 2 nails in the last 24 hours. So they were really strong with chemo and now that has stopped they start to break! Makes no sense!

Bowling

Day 203- Thursday

Work then lunch with 'L' and 'D'. Spend most of lunch talking about cancer. I really need to start getting out more as my chat is getting a bit boring!  It is going to be weird as I recover as people around me are going to stop talking about cancer but for me it is still very present and on my mind.

Meet 'R' and 'J' for bowling and dinner. I am normally good at bowling but have a shocking game. Blame it on the big C! It could be that I was trying to bowl in a long tight dress that I had to keep tucking into my knickers so I didn’t fall over!

Colonoscopy number 2

Day 202- Wednesday

Manage to sleep quite well just with the regular dash to the toilet! Not too hungry today but soo thirsty. Keep thinking about sprite! Nervous about today. A little about the procedure and a lot about the results. The first colonoscopy was done when I was ill and I would have done anything to feel better so I was glad of the colonoscopy. This time I am going in cold. Having it done with Dr W again though and she is lovely.

Mum wants to come in with me whist they sedate me, which doesn’t take long. I am out with half the injection! I wake up back in the cubicle with the job done. Not that I can remember, but I then regularly ask mum what my blood pressure is and I keep telling her to withdraw money from the ATM for me! Bizarre!

Anyway Dr W comes to tell me the results and they are all good. The surgery site has healed well and the rest of my colon is in excellent shape- no inflammation and no polyps. The primary cancer is all gone! She thinks the abdominal pain I can get is due to scar tissue on the outside of my colon. She tells me I don't need another colonoscopy for 3 years but considering my cancer grew to that size and spread within two years I am taking no chances. I inform her I will be back next year!

Matt picks us up with a huge bunch of lovely flowers and some Ferrero Roche from his colleague. Off home for a lime and sprite! And some more sleep- seriously snoozey! Meeting Holly for dinner tonight to celebrate.

One problem area down, just the liver to go.

Preparation day

Day 201- Tuesday

Tired today with swollen eyes after all the crying. And by 9am I am hungry- only about 28 hours to go until I can eat! Preparation medicine starts this afternoon and then the fun begins!

Look up my symptoms today and I feel slightly happier. Wikipedia (!) states the shooting pins and needles can all be explained by my chemo. So decide to remain positive and not think about dying. Matt has told me to focus on our future and what I want to do.

Poor Matt is left dealing with the car today as I can't be away from the toilet!

Disaster day

Day 200- Monday

Day 2 of the course is less extravagant! In the afternoon I choose to go to the workshop of the current top physio in neurodynamics (the likely cause of my shooting pins and needles). I catch him afterwards to get his advice on what I should do about my symptoms. My symptoms have worsened slightly today. I am now getting shooting pins and needles around both ankles when I am standing and bend my neck. This is not good. He suggests that I get an MRI of my whole spine and brain to rule out anything horrible. This sends me into a panic so I am going to speak to Dr K on Wednesday after my colonoscopy. I cry as I drive to pick Matt up as all the horrible 'I'm dying' feelings return.

We head to the car showroom as finally the car is ready to pick up. Not even this cheers me up and I cry in the showroom as I'm talking to Matt. They send us away for '10 minutes to 2 hours' whilst they register our car, so we go to a local coffee shop. Two and a half hours later the car is ready!

I am so excited and Matt takes loads of pictures of me in the car for the blog. Then the problems start. It takes me 6 turns to get out of the car park as the steering is so bad and heavy. I must be doing something wrong. Then I start to drive on the road and I realize at the first turn that the car doesn't have power steering. It is heavier than a bus to drive. How does it not have power steering? Matt phones the showroom and they say 'Oh if you wanted power steering you needed the higher model'. We are both so cross. We asked what the difference was between the basic and higher spec and we were told 'alloy wheels, blue tooth, a sunroof and electric mirrors'. None of these things I needed so we went for the low spec. If they had told us about the power steering we would have upgraded, obviously! I even test drove a Rio with power steering! So they basically lied to us to get rid of the rubbish car that they never thought they could sell. So now we have a car that I can't drive and no one will buy! Soo upset and annoyed. Matt is going to speak to them tomorrow about what we can do.

So this day is turning into a disaster. Go to bed and have a cry. It actually turns into a big cry. I am scared the cancer is spreading, I don't want to die, and I have a terrible car. And to top it all off tomorrow I am fasting and taking laxatives ready for my colonoscopy on Wednesday. Bad few days coming up I think. 

Course Dubai style!

Day 199- Sunday

Have a physio conference to go to today. Leave early and arrive early! Very different to a physio course in the UK. Firstly it is being held in a 4 star hotel with valet parking (Obviously!), then there is entertainment in the form of an Emirati dance and music whilst you wait for the course to start (which it did 30 minutes late!), then we had the national anthem followed by a reading from the Qur'an, all finished off with an awards presentation. After this there is a coffee break and then the lectures start. Lunch was a buffet that almost could have been a brunch- salad bar, hot section and then dessert bar with a selection of about 6 puddings. Not forgetting the waitress service getting you drinks! Beats the UK hands down, in fact I don't think I could go on a course run in an NHS hospital again!!!

Roll on tomorrow- day 2 of the course. And hopefully the day we get the car!

normal day

Day 198- Saturday

Work, cross trainer, TV = very 'normal' day!

Car park madness

Day 197- Friday

The hotel was nice. The room was really new and modern, to the point that it took Matt and I 10 minutes to find out how to turn the lights off! (control panel on bed side table!) We met Matt's colleagues in the English pub where they had a live band. Had a lovely evening with lots of laughs. Managed to chair dance for a few hours- legs too weak and too sober to dance properly!

Breakfast was really disappointing though unless you wanted salad! Had an hour by the infinity pool before we head home. Poor mum hasn't left the house for two days so I decide to take her to the cinema and dinner out. Dubai Mall is packed. It takes 20 minutes to park! Crazy when you think there are 14,000 car park spaces!!! We saw The Lucky One which was a really nice film. Zac Efron was the main character so quite easy on the eye!

Saw a film advertised about a guy in his 20's who is diagnosed with cancer and the film is about dealing with cancer, the treatment and he has counselling. Really want to see this film, not to be morbid but to see what he discusses with the counsellor. Been thinking about seeing a counsellor myself to help me deal with the anxiety so I think this film will be interesting.   

Hotel tonight

Day 196- Thursday

Been emailing Dr Salti about my portacath removal. His reply was that he could remove it in his office! Now I am a bit of a baby and this freaks me out slightly. I was sedated for it going in and all I can picture is that tube going into my vein! What about if I bleed to death in his office!

Busy at work this morning and then had to rush home to pack. Matt and I are staying at a hotel in the marina tonight as another end of chemo treat! His work colleagues are joining us at the hotel in the 'English' pub for a belated 30^th celebration for Matt. Should be a good night!

Now I am off to pamper myself there before Matt finishes school!

Sun tan

Day 195- Wednesday

Mum stayed with Holly last night so we were in charge of Buddy. He was so naughty all evening and then spent half the night barking. We wake this morning exhausted and he had been sick and weed in the spare bedroom. The joys of being parents!

Managed 3 hours by the pool today and I now have a bikini mark! Yay! With my freckles now out on my face I look healthier. Did 21 minutes on the cross trainer and then mum and I went to the mall. Had to re-buy black flip flops that Buddy had eaten!

Was meant to pick up the car tonight but at the last minute the bank said it wasn’t ready- annoying! Hopefully will have it by Saturday at the latest.

Off out tonight with some of Matt's colleagues for dinner. Normality returning!

Nails turn bad

Day 194- Tuesday

Had a little cry last night with Matt. Felt much better after although I don't think he did. Managed to sleep right through.

Did my nails today and they are now showing signs of chemo damage- ridges running across them. Can't believe they were good throughout chemo and now they decide to look ugly. Next week I start Perfectil for hair, nail and skin so hopefully that will make a difference. On a positive my skin is starting to clear up.

Manage 20 minutes on the cross trainer tonight so hopefully can just keep increasing by a minute a day until I reach 45 minutes. Is 20 minutes enough to burn off the Crunchie I had earlier?!

Anxiety high

Day 193- Monday

Wake in the night and start feeling really anxious. I am worried for my colonoscopy next week and for my MRI the week after. The colonoscopy will be able to tell if the operation was successful and also why I still get abdominal pain. I am so worried that there is more cancer at the primary site. I am also now worried that my new symptoms of neural tightness are due to a spinal metastasis. I am paranoid and searching the internet for signs and symptoms. It is going to be really hard to keep my anxiety in check.

Head to the pool again early for more sunbathing and pool dipping. I feel really tired but every time I shut my eyes I start to think of cancer again. I know I need to be positive and I know thinking about things does no good until I have all my scan results, but I just can't help it. I was hoping that for these few weeks I could just relax and be normal until the surgeon decides on surgery but that is not going to be the case!

Meeting Holly after her work today for some evening shopping and dinner. Hopefully will take my mind off things. Going to try and listen to the legend- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIjkW6iyXNo

Finally back in the sun

Day 192- Sunday

Wake up early when Matt leaves for work and head to the pool for some sunbathing! First time in 7 months. It is so hot in the day now that I figure first thing is the perfect time. Enjoy two lovely hours relaxing and reading my book. I am wearing factor 30 which is a first! Even get in the pool twice just for a dip. So nice to have some sun on my white body!

Start my cross trainer programme today. Managed 15 minutes which I am going to do every day this week before increasing to 20 minutes. Was very out of breath but legs held up ok.

Mum and I headed to JBR for lunch. Found a nice café that offered healthy option salads where they told you the calorie content. We both finished our 'diet' lunch and then decided we were still hungry! So next we headed to the ice cream place where we had 3 scoops each! Should have just had a bigger lunch and been done with it!

Matt has to drop off some paper work for the new car so I go in with him and sit in my new car for a bit!

Watch the Man City game. Exciting finish and so glad they won as I hate Man United. Whilst Matt is at football we watch a horror movie- The New Daughter. Matt hates films that are scary with kids in it so had to watch it without him. Spent half the time hiding behind a cushion!

Today's quote-'have great hopes and dare to go all out for them. Have great dreams and dare to live them. Have tremendous expectations and believe in them'.

New car

Day 191- Saturday

Going to look at cars today. Need to get another one ASAP as it is a nightmare trying to share one, especially with me going back to work. We decide on a sexy little number for me- the new Kia Rio. I really like it. Slightly smaller than the Ford focus but perfect for me. So excited- should have it by the end of next week. I have been so spoilt this month!

Mum and I head to the cinema to see The 5 year engagement- good film. Eat way too many sweets and feel sick all the way home! My cross trainer programme starts tomorrow. So looking forward to doing some exercise.

Today's quote- 'Don't be pushed by your problems. Be led by your dreams'.

The diet is working!

Day 190- Friday

Wake up early so decide to have a bath. Been afraid to wash my hair for the last two days, for those of you that know me, you know how neurotic I am normally about washing my hair daily. Do one wash with my new peppermint hair strengthening shampoo and one wash with my anti-hair loss shampoo! The good news is less hair came out today! Yay big step forward! It fact my hair feels better today- feeling more positive on this front.

Weigh in today, and despite my chocolate eating last night I have lost 2kgs! Now apart from controlling my food intake, I think stopping the steroids and other meds has helped. Hopefully when I start exercising next week it is even easier to lose weight.

The diet gets forgotten today as well- have lunch at the mall (although I have salad and I don't eat it all- this is my new portion control, not to finish everything on my plate) and then have date night. We choose an Indian/Thai restaurant we haven't been to before. It was really nice with an unusual menu so you couldn't have the same thing you always choose. Had a lovely evening and good to be starting to feel normal already. Can't wait for the next few weeks.

Nerve emergency

Day 189- Thursday

Another lazy day. It fact so lazy that I have given myself another problem. Every time I stretch out a limb I am getting shooting pins and needles. In physio terms we call this adverse neural tension. Meaning the spinal cord or a nerve are not gliding as they should within their own sheath. Begin to panic and think what could be causing me to have this in my arms and legs- the chemo? Bad posture? Or something else. Now I have slept for 12 hours the last two nights and woken stiff and then spent the last two days sitting on the couch watching the TV. So a reasonable explanation is my poor posture and lack of movement has caused the tension, and if I do a few mobilizing exercises for my upper back I should be fine- this is what I would do if it was a patient. Instead I start looking up horrible conditions and worry that I need to go to A & E. Decide to phone 'J' my lovely line manager first to get her opinion. As always she calms me down and gives me some exercises to do. Just brainstorming with her makes me feel better. I am literally neurotic about my body now. 'J', and probably the whole medical team I work with, should expect these panicked phone calls over the coming months!

Mum, however, is excited about the A & E visit as she hasn't left the house for 2 days! She runs up stairs, does her hair and make up and puts on matching underwear! Don't know who she expects to see at the hospital. I can see she is slightly disappointed when I get off the phone to 'J' and the plan is just exercises! Mum is well known for dressing up in emergency situations. A few years ago Holly collapsed with pain of a disc bulge late at night. Everyone was in bed and mum had to call an ambulance. Whilst waiting for the ambulance mum got dressed up and put make up and perfume on! She even chose a belt to match her outfit! When the ambulance crew arrived and saw mum dolled up they must have thought she had been out on the town whilst her daughter was unwell at home!

The diet is broken today!-only one week in! It is teacher appreciation day and Matt comes home with a bag of treats- Ferrero Roche (cruel!), toblerones, jelly beans and much more. I can't resist, my will power is not good. So tonight I am having a blow out! Well I haven't celebrated end of chemo yet so why not! Well I can list about 100 'why nots' but I won't go there!

So now I am sitting writing this with a lumbar roll supporting my back in perfect posture- lesson learnt! Need to practice what I preach! And I'm surrounded my chocolate- heaven! Try not to think of weigh in tomorrow.

TV day

Day 188- Wednesday

Sleep for 12 hours! It must have been the relaxing half hour on the swing before bed! Spend the rest of the day sitting on the couch watching programmes. My concentration is better than normal but just feel a bit tired and weak.

2 films, 2 Britain's got talent, 1 Doctors, 1 Australian Masterchef and 1 Great British menu – too much TV! Tomorrow needs to be a more active day!

All over

Day 187- Tuesday

The last day of chemo- pump out today. 156 days of being on chemo are now over! 6 long months. Mum is worried I may get depression with the lack of routine now and the reduced medical support. Although I am anxious about 'being free' to get on with my life now, and there is the worry that there is nothing killing off cancer cells now, I think I will be ok. Today is the day I need to start trusting my own body again and not rely on drugs. I need to get back into my own routine again- work, housework, shopping, exercising, sunbathing-plenty to get on with. I will miss the nurses though. They have been such an important part of my life, as have all the staff in oncology, that I will be sad to say goodbye today. I know I can pop in and see them when I am at the hospital but it is not the same. You are in a gang up there and it makes you feel supported and safe. They are such special people who have helped me, and mum and Matt, so much. But they are only at the end of a phone if I need them and always in my memory. Think I will have to try hard not to cry. Amazing how emotional I feel. Sad, excited, anxious, apprehensive, pleased, nervous…………..

Speak to Dr K on the phone and he is with Dr Salti and it is agreed my portacath should come out soon as it is no longer working. Dr Salti is away next week so hopefully the week after I can have it out. All steps in the right direction.

When Matt gets home he makes up the egg swing chair for me. Perfect! It fits into the corner of our balcony so I can look at other people's nice gardens and can ignore the sandpit! Going to have a try tonight before bed.

Have a weird swollen tongue and sore throat today. Not sure what that is all about but hopefully it goes quickly. Just trying to keep drinking. Only needed one anti-nausea med today- so nice not to be popping pills.

Matt has come up with the perfect song for today-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8GTELtVLvk

Cooking

Day 186- Monday

The egg swing chair is arriving today! Exciting!

Yesterdays talk with Dr K has made me feel a bit better about my future. We discussed plans for scans (every 3months for the first year, then 6 monthly, mainly monitoring with CT), having children (anytime after I have the all clear as long as I feel ready in myself), and who I call if I get a symptom. I know I am going to be neurotic about every ache or change in body function! He also suggests that the first 3 years is when reoccurrence is most likely to occur and after 5 years your odds are better. If I can only get through these next 3 years my future looks brighter. We also discussed the liver surgery, and although Dr K didn't say it in so many words, I understood that he was suggesting it may just be best to remove the black spot so it can be tested and we no longer have to worry about it. I think I agree with him. If that black spot is still there I know I will be worried about it growing once chemo has stopped.

Manage to do about 2 hours work on my patient handouts. Slowly coming together. I even feel well enough to make a salad for lunch for mum and I. Mum has painted our bedroom today so all jobs around the house are done.

Make dinner as well- a chicken curry. This is really good for chemo week. Normally I can't do anything. Diet is going well. Having between 1200 and 1500 calories a day rather than the 2000+ I would normally have! Feel really hungry today though so it has been a bit of a challenge. Especially when I am watching cookery programmes.

My swing chair doesn't arrive until 7pm so will have to put it up and have a go tomorrow.

Chemo out tomorrow! Yay! Then just need to flush it out of my system and get stronger and fitter.

Some bad luck

Day 185- Sunday

Wake up excited to have chemo. I feel positive and excited. Wear my new dress from c-bear and 'dad' as a little celebration. The oncology team are all happy it is my last session (think it is because they are genuinely happy for me and not just glad to be getting rid of me!) and everyone comes to speak to me. Then disaster strikes. My portacath stops working- they can't get any blood out of it so it may be blocked. I am rushed down to have a Fluoroscopy- where they put in a dye and get real time images of the portacath. Whilst we are waiting a lady starts talking to us who has just been diagnosed with a really rare condition where her body attacks itself. She was admitted with a severe stomach bug and then went on to have a heart attack and end up in a coma. She is now on a low dose chemo drug to try to treat the condition. I believe I met her today to remind me that other people are worse off than me and I need to remain thankful and positive.

There is a blockage at the end of the tube so the blood can't pass through and the dye is coming out of the side of the tube into a different vein. Initially the Dr doing the test suggests I may need the portacath out today and be admitted to have the chemo in my arm. I can't believe my luck. My portacath has been working perfectly and only last cycle the nurses were commenting on how good it was. We must have tempted fate! I only need the thing to work for one more cycle.

Anyway Dr K sees the scan and says he is happy to do the chemo this last time through my portacath as the chemo will still pass into my blood stream. I ask about the blood clot. The last thing I need is to do 6 months of chemo only to go and die from a heart attack! He assures me that it tends to be a blood 'film' rather than a typical clot that they often see at the end of the tube and not to worry. Oh well I have to trust him!

It is decided that the oxaliplatin (the drug that causes the neuropathy) will be stopped this time as it is now affecting my function. The good news is that this drug causes all of the nausea so I should feel better this cycle and I don't need all my anti-nausea meds. Here's hoping I have a good last cycle.

I hand out my presents- ties for the men, Korres beauty products for the women and chocolates for reception. 'R' the accounts man seems genuinely shocked that he has a present and for the first time ever he is speechless. Haven't mentioned him before but he is hilarious! He has great banter and always makes us laugh as we are paying the bill. He has also been a great help with chasing my insurance company so well deserving of a present.

Mum and I pop to Karama to buy Matt an end of chemo present. I get him a lovely dark brown Mulberry wallet as his wallet is getting a bit old. Also try on a pair of nude Louboutins but they don't have my size. Just as well as I have had a lot of presents this week! Save them for later in the month! Head to the polo club on the way home for lunch to celebrate. We are both very good and have fish and veg for lunch that was delicious. I want to pay as mum's end of chemo present but have left my purse in the car! Sorry mum!

I think we may have had another 'spirit' encounter today. Buddy, who is very spiritually aware, was staring at the wall near the water cooler barking and he ran over to Matt who was by the cooler and grabbed his shorts and pulled him away. Then a noise started and we didn't know where it was coming from. Matt gave me an end of chemo card yesterday that is meant to play a song when you open it but it is broken and doesn't work. I placed it on the TV stand and it is that that has started playing without anyone going near it. Once we worked out what it was it played for another minute and now it has stopped. Hopefully it is just the spirits saying 'happy end of chemo' and not saying 'the blood clot is going to kill you'!!

Yummy mummy 'K' comes round with little 'E' and brings an end of chemo gift- some candles that smell of cookies, mint chocolate and cherries, delicious! Very kind and I have had some lovely facebook messages and text messages from friends today. Appreciate that people are following my journey and supporting me from afar.

Watch 'Britain's got talent' with dinner. Ask mum what talents we have that she is proud of. Her answer…

"I'm proud of you because you help people, I am proud of Holly's language skills and Tom, well Tom is Golden balls so he doesn't need a talent"! Hilarious!

Got to love Chloe!

Day 184- Saturday

Just one day until my last chemo! Really can't believe the time is here. Never thought this day would come. May 6^th has been imprinted on my mind since November. Got all my presents ready for the oncology team.

One more bad week to go and then I can just start getting stronger and stronger. I pray that I will never have to have chemo again. It has been a real challenge mentally and physically, not only for me but for mum and Matt as well. We were saying the other day that we are like a little group and it is only the 3 of us who truly know what it has been like. Since Holly has been here I have been handling the sessions better so she never saw the low points, the tears, the severe fatigue, the sickness and the not wanting to continue. Mum and Matt have been there every step of the way to keep me going and to keep me strong, along with the oncology team.

My fingers have been really numb, probably constantly, for the last week. I am dropping everything and then finding it difficult to pick things up from the floor. I am going to speak to Dr K about stopping the part of chemo that causes the neuropathy. Becoming a problem now especially if I want to keep doing acupuncture.

Get home from work and Matt has bought me the navy Chloe envelope bag I have wanted. He had put in a big box and the dogs helped me unwrap it. So excited, I love Chloe! Maybe the hassle of chemo was worth it after all!

My final chemo player is the England goalkeeper- Joe Hart.