Anxiety high

Day 193- Monday

Wake in the night and start feeling really anxious. I am worried for my colonoscopy next week and for my MRI the week after. The colonoscopy will be able to tell if the operation was successful and also why I still get abdominal pain. I am so worried that there is more cancer at the primary site. I am also now worried that my new symptoms of neural tightness are due to a spinal metastasis. I am paranoid and searching the internet for signs and symptoms. It is going to be really hard to keep my anxiety in check.

Head to the pool again early for more sunbathing and pool dipping. I feel really tired but every time I shut my eyes I start to think of cancer again. I know I need to be positive and I know thinking about things does no good until I have all my scan results, but I just can't help it. I was hoping that for these few weeks I could just relax and be normal until the surgeon decides on surgery but that is not going to be the case!

Meeting Holly after her work today for some evening shopping and dinner. Hopefully will take my mind off things. Going to try and listen to the legend- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIjkW6iyXNo

Finally back in the sun

Day 192- Sunday

Wake up early when Matt leaves for work and head to the pool for some sunbathing! First time in 7 months. It is so hot in the day now that I figure first thing is the perfect time. Enjoy two lovely hours relaxing and reading my book. I am wearing factor 30 which is a first! Even get in the pool twice just for a dip. So nice to have some sun on my white body!

Start my cross trainer programme today. Managed 15 minutes which I am going to do every day this week before increasing to 20 minutes. Was very out of breath but legs held up ok.

Mum and I headed to JBR for lunch. Found a nice café that offered healthy option salads where they told you the calorie content. We both finished our 'diet' lunch and then decided we were still hungry! So next we headed to the ice cream place where we had 3 scoops each! Should have just had a bigger lunch and been done with it!

Matt has to drop off some paper work for the new car so I go in with him and sit in my new car for a bit!

Watch the Man City game. Exciting finish and so glad they won as I hate Man United. Whilst Matt is at football we watch a horror movie- The New Daughter. Matt hates films that are scary with kids in it so had to watch it without him. Spent half the time hiding behind a cushion!

Today's quote-'have great hopes and dare to go all out for them. Have great dreams and dare to live them. Have tremendous expectations and believe in them'.

New car

Day 191- Saturday

Going to look at cars today. Need to get another one ASAP as it is a nightmare trying to share one, especially with me going back to work. We decide on a sexy little number for me- the new Kia Rio. I really like it. Slightly smaller than the Ford focus but perfect for me. So excited- should have it by the end of next week. I have been so spoilt this month!

Mum and I head to the cinema to see The 5 year engagement- good film. Eat way too many sweets and feel sick all the way home! My cross trainer programme starts tomorrow. So looking forward to doing some exercise.

Today's quote- 'Don't be pushed by your problems. Be led by your dreams'.

The diet is working!

Day 190- Friday

Wake up early so decide to have a bath. Been afraid to wash my hair for the last two days, for those of you that know me, you know how neurotic I am normally about washing my hair daily. Do one wash with my new peppermint hair strengthening shampoo and one wash with my anti-hair loss shampoo! The good news is less hair came out today! Yay big step forward! It fact my hair feels better today- feeling more positive on this front.

Weigh in today, and despite my chocolate eating last night I have lost 2kgs! Now apart from controlling my food intake, I think stopping the steroids and other meds has helped. Hopefully when I start exercising next week it is even easier to lose weight.

The diet gets forgotten today as well- have lunch at the mall (although I have salad and I don't eat it all- this is my new portion control, not to finish everything on my plate) and then have date night. We choose an Indian/Thai restaurant we haven't been to before. It was really nice with an unusual menu so you couldn't have the same thing you always choose. Had a lovely evening and good to be starting to feel normal already. Can't wait for the next few weeks.

Nerve emergency

Day 189- Thursday

Another lazy day. It fact so lazy that I have given myself another problem. Every time I stretch out a limb I am getting shooting pins and needles. In physio terms we call this adverse neural tension. Meaning the spinal cord or a nerve are not gliding as they should within their own sheath. Begin to panic and think what could be causing me to have this in my arms and legs- the chemo? Bad posture? Or something else. Now I have slept for 12 hours the last two nights and woken stiff and then spent the last two days sitting on the couch watching the TV. So a reasonable explanation is my poor posture and lack of movement has caused the tension, and if I do a few mobilizing exercises for my upper back I should be fine- this is what I would do if it was a patient. Instead I start looking up horrible conditions and worry that I need to go to A & E. Decide to phone 'J' my lovely line manager first to get her opinion. As always she calms me down and gives me some exercises to do. Just brainstorming with her makes me feel better. I am literally neurotic about my body now. 'J', and probably the whole medical team I work with, should expect these panicked phone calls over the coming months!

Mum, however, is excited about the A & E visit as she hasn't left the house for 2 days! She runs up stairs, does her hair and make up and puts on matching underwear! Don't know who she expects to see at the hospital. I can see she is slightly disappointed when I get off the phone to 'J' and the plan is just exercises! Mum is well known for dressing up in emergency situations. A few years ago Holly collapsed with pain of a disc bulge late at night. Everyone was in bed and mum had to call an ambulance. Whilst waiting for the ambulance mum got dressed up and put make up and perfume on! She even chose a belt to match her outfit! When the ambulance crew arrived and saw mum dolled up they must have thought she had been out on the town whilst her daughter was unwell at home!

The diet is broken today!-only one week in! It is teacher appreciation day and Matt comes home with a bag of treats- Ferrero Roche (cruel!), toblerones, jelly beans and much more. I can't resist, my will power is not good. So tonight I am having a blow out! Well I haven't celebrated end of chemo yet so why not! Well I can list about 100 'why nots' but I won't go there!

So now I am sitting writing this with a lumbar roll supporting my back in perfect posture- lesson learnt! Need to practice what I preach! And I'm surrounded my chocolate- heaven! Try not to think of weigh in tomorrow.

TV day

Day 188- Wednesday

Sleep for 12 hours! It must have been the relaxing half hour on the swing before bed! Spend the rest of the day sitting on the couch watching programmes. My concentration is better than normal but just feel a bit tired and weak.

2 films, 2 Britain's got talent, 1 Doctors, 1 Australian Masterchef and 1 Great British menu – too much TV! Tomorrow needs to be a more active day!

All over

Day 187- Tuesday

The last day of chemo- pump out today. 156 days of being on chemo are now over! 6 long months. Mum is worried I may get depression with the lack of routine now and the reduced medical support. Although I am anxious about 'being free' to get on with my life now, and there is the worry that there is nothing killing off cancer cells now, I think I will be ok. Today is the day I need to start trusting my own body again and not rely on drugs. I need to get back into my own routine again- work, housework, shopping, exercising, sunbathing-plenty to get on with. I will miss the nurses though. They have been such an important part of my life, as have all the staff in oncology, that I will be sad to say goodbye today. I know I can pop in and see them when I am at the hospital but it is not the same. You are in a gang up there and it makes you feel supported and safe. They are such special people who have helped me, and mum and Matt, so much. But they are only at the end of a phone if I need them and always in my memory. Think I will have to try hard not to cry. Amazing how emotional I feel. Sad, excited, anxious, apprehensive, pleased, nervous…………..

Speak to Dr K on the phone and he is with Dr Salti and it is agreed my portacath should come out soon as it is no longer working. Dr Salti is away next week so hopefully the week after I can have it out. All steps in the right direction.

When Matt gets home he makes up the egg swing chair for me. Perfect! It fits into the corner of our balcony so I can look at other people's nice gardens and can ignore the sandpit! Going to have a try tonight before bed.

Have a weird swollen tongue and sore throat today. Not sure what that is all about but hopefully it goes quickly. Just trying to keep drinking. Only needed one anti-nausea med today- so nice not to be popping pills.

Matt has come up with the perfect song for today-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8GTELtVLvk